Metamorphosis
Leaving the Cocoon
2000
On this dreary Sunday afternoon, so many feelings are pent-up inside of me, so many dreary regrets. My mother and her sorrows, with me forever, and my deadly fear of breaking free of them. The slow, dawning realization of who I am free of them and the incumbent sorrow. It is all happening for me finally — I am slowly metamorphosing into my original self.
At age six or seven, I captured a monarch caterpillar in a jar. I watched her spin her cocoon and emerge a beautiful butterfly. I saw her extend her wrinkly wings and flutter way, freed of the constraints I had imposed upon her. I carried that fluttering butterfly in my mind forever, never losing sight of what I would one day be able to do myself.
I have fought with my entire being for this moment of release, but I could never have imagined the sorrow I would feel at leaving my cocoon.
Though confining and paralyzing, it was also dark and safe; the safety of it I could never describe. The safety of being a child, of being a female, of knowing I would never really have to grow up; that I could attach myself always to someone else. Oh, the childish joy of it.
The joy of turning my gifts inward, of keeping them only for myself. Only I and my attached object would know the truth about me, and it would be kept safe in our wedded bliss.
Carrying out this fabrication has taken all of my being to maintain. I pride myself on my deception; it was my reward for having sacrificed so much. My mother, the object of all my love and hate; how entangled we were.
New items have appeared in my life now, and I’m striving to make a place for them all. A new job, a new skill, a new “boyfriend”, a new woman friend, and a new association with Derek.
This is lot to incorporate in a short period of time. But one thing is still very familiar, and that is my unremitting panic and despair about money.
I went out last night with Deborah and spent $40. It was a wonderful time, but the outing stirred up lots of feelings. One is the fear of having a life, because a life costs money. I missed out on endless pleasures when I was in my safe cocoon, but I see no way of being able to afford most of these delights anytime soon.
So many needs pull at me, and the world of healthy adults begins to seem overwhelming. How can I ever get myself into a reasonable financial condition again?
The biggest sorrows are leaving my mother and my therapist Derek. I know they both felt betrayed by me, but I have to start putting myself before everyone else.
The sorrow of leaving that blissful cocoon with Derek tears at me, but I had to do it to save myself. I grew tired of playing my stupid little “dumb girl“ game with him, tired of deceiving myself and everyone.
It has been my own little power trip, as a stripper who appears to be exposing herself is in fact getting off on her twisted form of power. Oh, the agony, the ecstasy, and the double edge of it all. What a cunning deceiver I was; the best of the best.
Once I unravel this puzzle, many of my struggles will cease to exist because I will no longer need to fritter my power away playing games. I can be who I am and be paid for who I am, and discover at long last, the pleasure of being a complete entity. My sense of frantic desperation will vanish, my life will come into focus, and I will no longer be a disjointed jumble of disconnected parts.