Mental Stress of Being a BROWN Girl

Even today, at 34, I get the question, “Why do you look so dark?”

It is a very emotional topic for me to write on today as I have suffered with this all my Teenage life, where I felt I was ugly and my mother did not love me enough because I am Brown.

Being born to an Indian family in Austria, I was 2nd child of 4 with two brothers and one sister. Fortunately, my younger sister was born fair and beautiful, and I was Brown and ugly; that was what they believed, and most people still believe in India if the girl is dark in color.

My childhood was in India as my father wanted us to grow up in Indian culture, and our mother took my brother and me to India (Punjab) for the first ten years of our childhood. The early years were significant in India but as I grew older and reached my teenage my skin color started getting darker.

People started making comments about it, and my mom started scrubbing me more while bathing me. At that time, I did not know why my mother was scrubbing me harder. I was an innocent child busy in my childhood.

When we moved back to Vienna when I was ten years my sister, who is four years younger than me, was also growing with me, and I suddenly felt a difference in my mother's behavior between me and her. She was shown more affection than me, was always told she was gorgeous, looked like Aishwarya Rai (the most famous Miss World of all time), and nothing was said to me. It was such a sad feeling that got stuck inside me.

My mother used to make an Indian flour mask and apply it on my face to brighten it, but still, I did not say anything; inside, it was breaking me that I was not pretty. When I wore makeup, my mother commented why I wore dark makeup and that I should buy a shade lighter. The volcano was blasting inside me every day. I felt so uncomfortable in my house that my behavior changed. I became reticent about anything, felt neglected, and never felt valuable there; it affected me mentally.

Years passed, and I decided to move out of Vienna alone. The only choice was the UK as I loved the English language, and a Student loan was easy to get as a European. Again, this was an objection from my mother, but I was determined and left.

September 2008, I welcomed myself to London; I was the happiest, but still, that same feeling inside me and one question in my mind: Is being brown ugly? I want to be pretty like other girls, I want to have an identity of myself, and I want to be successful. I was a naive young adult who came to London at 19, seeking freedom, confidence, and a meaningful life.

I started my first year at University and enjoyed my new life, but it wasn't easy; I never made good friends (maybe I did not know how to make friends). I used to feel alone, and the thought again popped into my mind. I couldn't make friends because I was ugly, but I kept going because I did not want to return to Vienna. The second year started, and I met my first boyfriend, husband, and Soulmate.

When we became friends in uni and started dating, I asked him randomly, “Do you think I am pretty?” he answered Yes, I find you very pretty, especially your skin complexion, tears rolled out of my eyes. The first time someone called me beautiful. It was a big deal for me that moment that boosted my confidence, and I am thankful to my husband for taking me out of that shell. Now, every day, my husband tells me how beautiful I am, and even today, at the age of 34, my mom tells me when I visit her in Vienna, “Why do you look dark today?” like always, I ignore this and remember that I am gorgeous the way I am, I look in the mirror and say to myself “You are beautiful and I love you”.

Even today, girls in India born with dark skin are made to feel embarrassed of their color; they are told who will marry them. Use this and that to brighten up your skin. Unfortunately, their own family is making their daughters feel anxious. The day mothers will accept their daughters the way they are is the day the daughters will find a friend in their mother. Mothers are Vital in a child’s life; they can make or destroy it. I love my mother, and I also know when to listen to her and when to ignore her.

We all are beautiful no matter what skin color we are.

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