Mental Illness and Parenthood: What You Should Consider

Why you should approach one of the most important decisions with caution

After reading an article by Gillian Sisley about a Youtuber rehoming an adoptive child with special needs, it triggered my thoughts on the adoption of disabled children. The story about Myka going through with an adoption, and giving up the child two years later, recently broke the Internet. While the crucial question is how could have adoptive parents make a sequence of poor decisions, it made me think about limitations I and other individuals like me may consider.

I’m in my mid-20s, and I’ve been managing my mental health issues for the last six years. Overall, I’m doing pretty well, but I would probably have to live with depression and infrequent anxiety — it comes in and out, every year is different — for a good chunk of my life. Since I’ve always considered adopting or fostering a child, this topic is significant for me. We don’t talk about these things often enough in society, but they should be addressed. In my opinion, there are certain things to consider if you’re a person with mental issues.

Disclaimer: I am not an adoption, foster parenting or mental health expert. Please ensure to discuss mental health with a doctor, and the adoption/fostering process with a corresponding specialist.

Articulate Your Adoption Goals

First of all, you should define your adoption or fostering goals. Are you planning to adopt a child? Or do you want to foster one? Is it just one, or several kids at the same time? Do you intend to take in someone from a foreign country? What age is the child going to be? Are you OK with adopting a special needs child? Would you consider adopting or fostering a kid with medical issues, either physical or mental? What cultural, social and economic considerations should you think about?

There are countless things to consider. Adopting a baby with a “clean” history at the local shelter is different from taking in a child from another country, who has health issues, or disability, or a history of abuse, or some other potentially challenging factors.

You should determine what is that you wish to give the child. What is your motivation for adopting or fostering, and how do you envision this process? Granted, you wouldn’t be able to consider every single thing, but preparation and mindfulness are a must.

Adoption and fostering are not easy. They take an emotional and mental toll on a parent.

Define the Challenges Mental Issues and Adoption (or Fostering) Create

Adoption and fostering are not easy. It takes an emotional and mental toll on a parent. Depending on your health and mental state, you might be more or less equipped to go through the adoption/fostering process. It’s lengthy, it requires a lot of patience, and not everyone gets results right away. Sometimes, you have to wait, and it can be upsetting.

Are there any challenges you can see arising due to the adoption process? Are there any limitations created by your mental health? Will your mental state condition affect the ability to provide proper care to a child, while keeping yourself healthy as well?

For example, I have depression, and some days I feel down and don’t handle bad news well. If I choose to foster a kid with behavioral issues, I may not always be able to take it well. This is why it’s essential to make a list of possible challenges and hypothesize if they will cause a roadblock along the way.

It’s also crucial to discuss this matter with your doctor, who is familiar with your medical history, and who can give you a recommendation or an opinion regarding your mental state vs parenting. Your physician has enough information to offer an idea regarding your coping skills and abilities. Also, it’s essential to speak to the adoption/fostering agent and discuss this matter (unless you wish not to, and the law allows that). Knowing the challenges you’re facing is critical because otherwise, you may end up with a child whom you cannot provide proper care too.

A child is not a project; it’s a live human being that you will be bond to for the rest of your life.

Evaluate, If You Can Adopt a Special Needs Child

If presented with an option to adopt or foster a special needs child, you should take your time and think about it. Parents with no health limitations, and with no issues whatsoever, may have a hard time taking care of such a kid too. It’s not a piece of cake. Children with special needs require extra care, extra attention — often, almost all the attention — and there are many things to consider.

Would you be able to provide care on a bad mental health day? If the child is having a meltdown, would you be able to handle it? Parents with health limitations, including mental issues, may require more effort.

To be fair, a lot of parents are having a hard time mastering the parenting craft. Not to mention, a lot of mothers go through postpartum depression, even if they didn’t have any mental problems before. There is no need to discourage yourself from adopting or fostering children, but you should foresee as many challenges as possible. By the end of the day, it’s the child’s life and well-being that’s on the line.

Knowing the challenges you’re facing is critical because otherwise, you may end up with a child whom you cannot provide proper care too.

Be Honest with Yourself

It’s crucial not to get caught up in euphoria while preparing for adoption/fostering. You may think you’re on the top of the world; you’re inspired and optimistic about making this decision. And that’s extremely important because you need the motivation to go through with it! But it’s also critical to be realistic and give yourself the benefit of the doubt.

I, personally, had to admit hard truth to myself. Before I developed a major depressive disorder, I had the strength and enough mental capacity to handle many challenges. Adopting a child with a disability didn’t seem like a problem for me; the same applied to raising a biological child similar abilities. I know that, right now, my mental health may not allow me to provide proper care to children like that. It’s primarily because I can be highly sensitive, and I wouldn’t be able to react adequately to seeing my kid struggling or in pain every day.

Currently, even when I see a disabled person on the street, I sometimes tear up. I’ve always been a compassionate and empathetic person, but my mental issues cause me to overreact. I can see myself turning into an emotional mess every day while trying to provide care to someone with a disability or special needs.

I don’t want to promise my love and care to a precious baby, and then realize I’m not capable of coming through on that promise. Not only it will mentally destroy me, but most importantly, it will cause great damage to the child. This is precisely what happened in Myka’s case, as she and her husband may not have been equipped for this challenge.

There is no need to discourage yourself from adopting or fostering children, but you should foresee as many challenges as possible. By the end of the day, it’s the child’s life and well-being that’s on the line.

Consider this When You Become a Biological Parent Too

Every parent should ideally ask themselves an array of questions before committing to parenthood. We ask ourselves if we are in an excellent place to become parents if we can financially afford it — and many other questions. Similarly, we need to be honest about our mental health challenges. A child is not a project; it’s a live human being that you will be bond to for the rest of your life.

When it comes to biological children, this principle also applies. I am fully aware that I may not be able to take care of my biological baby if he/she has a severe disability. I can see myself waking up every morning, looking at them and crying. I can also see myself having constant mental breakdowns, which will reduce my ability to be a suitable mother.

I should emphasize that having mental health issues does not constitute being a lousy parent! Many people with mental issues become parents and raise their kids in loving homes. Depression isn’t a prison sentence, nor are the other mental issues. People can live happy lives, despite their health problems. But similarly to how we may reject a stressful career, we should evaluate our ability to raise a child with special needs. By the end of the day, all we can do is our best.