Men, Stop Mistaking Being Nice for Flirting.

Men, stop taking advantage of a woman’s kindness or taking it as a welcome sign to say or do whatever you want.

I work as a bartender, and before anyone says it, I know there are stereotypes about bartenders and the bartending industry, which make people believe, specifically men, that they can and should be allowed to flirt with the women serving them their drinks.

This is FALSE.

What I’m writing also applies to any woman who comes across as friendly and well-mannered. However, you want to call it—a woman who treats people with kindness.

I am TIRED of how men treat me sometimes because of my part-time job. Or because I’m a nice human being in general. Last time I will say it, promise.

Being a bartender does not give any man a pass to make a move on me. Also, being friendly or kind is not a green light either.

Men, when a woman acts with kindness is because she has good manners. It does not mean she wants to flirt with you, wants your attention or your number.

The assumption women have to respond to men’s attempts at flirting or getting to know them is ridiculous. We’re in the twenty-first century, for God’s sake.

For starters, I’m in a relationship. No, I don’t want your number, and I don’t want to flirt with you platonically so you can feel a little bit better about yourself.

This sounds very harsh, I know. However, a lot of men have this attitude.

How do I know? Because I work in the service industry, plus everyday life interactions have shown me so.

The part that angers me the most is men’s defensive reaction to being told no — this leads to a whole other conversation, but I’ll stop here for now.

I’ve learned to respond in a way that lets them know I’m off limits without offending them. Fortunately, saying you have a boyfriend is one of those.

Unfortunately, it doesn’t work sometimes. That’s when I need to bring my inner biotch out and put a guy in his place.

This wouldn't happen as much if men were a little more respectful.

So men, if you’re interested in that bartender, waitress, cashier, or lady you encounter, do yourself and her a favor.

First, ask her if she has a boyfriend. It may be shocking to hear, but sometimes women are in relationships.

And two, ask her if she’s interested in dating. If she’s not, do not take it personally. It’s not about you. Move on to the next!

And third, if she says no, it is not an invitation to continue asking or a dare to try to convince her!

Some women like being single, some just got out of a relationship and don’t want anything at the moment, and some may not even like men.

Some are emotionally unavailable and want to play games. This is where we run into an array of other issues, which I will most likely discuss in another blog.

Either way, it’s not some reverse-psychology attempt to keep you hooked. It’s a no. Please keep walking.

Okay, I will write with less sarcasm and anger from now on.

I’m sure if you, a man, put yourself in a woman’s shoes for a moment, you could relate to the frustration I’m feeling.

I know giving respect and being kind or friendly does not automatically mean I will be treated the same way.

However, I write this in hopes of letting men know what a better way to approach a woman is. Also, to help get in her good graces, and at the same time, explain what plagues us and show how to become part of the solution instead of remaining a part of the problem.

I hear many men complain about not being able to find a woman.

For starters, they need to change that perspective. And second, men need to look at themselves, and I mean a real honest look, to see what they bring to the table that will interest and keep a woman.

Respect will take you a lot further than pick-up lines or cheesy jokes.

A woman wants to be seen as a human being first. If you can show her respect, she will allow you to continue interacting with her.

Now here’s where this formula doesn’t always work. You can’t control how a woman is going to respond. Even if you treat her with respect and chivalry, she may still be a total bitch.

Don’t take a woman’s response to your good behavior personally.

Now I know this could be turned around on women, and men could say, ‘well, don’t take a man’s advances personally.’ This is true. However, it doesn’t apply when it interferes with a woman’s job and/or makes her uncomfortable, especially after she’s made it clear she’s not interested.

This is disrespectful. Men, stop doing this.

When a man says no, he expects the other person to stop doing whatever it is that’s bothering him.

When a woman says no, specifically to a man, it’s seen as a challenge. It’s not, I promise. Please stop continuing to flirt or asking for a woman’s number when she’s made it obvious she’s not interested.

A woman who treats others with kindness is just that, a woman with good manners. Just because she also treats the opposite sex with kindness, it does not mean she’s trying to flirt.

Please, please, please, always take this into consideration when having an interaction with a woman you may be interested in.

When a man acts with respect and chivalry, we women feel a lot safer around said man. And please, men, don’t use this as a tactic to get into a woman’s pants and then dump her.

We, women, are looking for good men too.