Men Just Can’t Help Themselves When They See Breasts

And other myths that we tell to justify bad behavior

There’s a story that a lot of men (and some women) like to tell about how women’s breasts are responsible for male behavior.

“What did she expect when she was dressed like that?!!

But this is one of those “everyone knows” cultural narratives that is completely and totally wrong — for a variety of reasons, and I can prove it.

• In many cultures, women routinely have bare breasts and men don’t behave badly because of it.
• Women being required to cover their breasts is a relatively new thing.
• In environments where nudity is normalized, men control themselves with no problem.

Ever heard those stories about teen-aged boys goggling over issues of National Geographic featuring native tribes where women don’t wear tops? For them, it is salacious to look at something that is quite pedestrian in those cultures because they’ve been taught to fetishize women’s breasts and the cultures being featured have not. In places where it is routine, naked breasts are no big deal. It is demonstrably false that the sight of bare breasts is an automatic, biologically induced sexual trigger in all men in all situations.

Dr. Conrad Manning speaks to this in his paper Virtues of Nakedness: Physical & Psychological Health.

Sociological studies of ethnic groups in which nudity is common have demonstrated that there is no cause and effect relationship between being naked and immorality. Social nudists also exhibit this lack of association. Still, it is clear that many people perceive an association between nudity and overt sexuality. From the standpoint of scientific psychology it can be demonstrated that this connotation of nudity is no more than a learned sexual fetish. It is not an innate [human] characteristic. (emphasis mine)

Not only is this true in the present, but it is shored up by the fact that this was the way it was for most of human history. This is probably because the main purpose of breasts is to feed babies, and it wasn’t until a few thousand years ago that anyone thought to control women, sexually or otherwise.

Historians reckon that women only began to cover their breasts in public about 3500 years ago — when men decided they were private, sexual body parts that needed to be tucked away. Prior to that, artwork from the era suggests that women were able to wander around topless without anyone batting an eyelid. Even during the days of Ancient Egypt, historians believe that women could choose whether to cover their breasts or not — often opting for elaborate dresses and designs that would leave one breast exposed.

It’s been noted that as women were more and more forced to cover up in Ancient Greece, the more patriarchal the society became until women were fully under the authority of fathers and husbands.

I’ve spent a fair amount of time in clothing-optional spaces, including a topless-optional resort, and another clothing-optional one. I’ve been to swinger’s clubs and had my tits on display — either in lingerie or completely bare — without anyone being particularly bothered by it. If they were turned on by it, it wasn’t imagined that I now owed them something because of it. Pretending that men can’t control themselves when they see breasts is a made-up story that further reinforces the cultural narrative that women’s bodies exist for their pleasure and enjoyment.

I’m not saying it’s your fault if you are a man who grew up in a culture that taught you to fetishize breasts. I’m just saying that pretending you have no agency around that is a cop out — one that too often makes excuses for inexcusable behavior. I like breasts too — I think they are beautiful and alluring. And, I behave around beautiful breasts the same way I do around strong, shapely arms on men — by noting them to myself, and then minding my own business — at least unless I’ve been invited to do more than that.

Even men who didn’t grow up going to the topless beaches and co-ed saunas of Europe can learn to comport themselves appropriately. I know, because I’ve seen it. The topless-optional resort we visited had mostly American and Canadian guests. And guess what? Not a single man was walking into light poles or tripping over deck furniture just because there were 500 pairs of naked breasts on display around the pool. At the clothing-optional resort, there were no men covering their crotches with their hands.

And at the swinger’s club, where alcohol flowed, and women were dressed in things that were intentionally meant to be sexually exciting, no one was gawking at or groping women. The fact that these sorts of things are ubiquitous in the regular vanilla world is not because they are inevitable, but because they are tolerated. Inside a club like that, they are not. Not only would you look like a rube if you acted that way, but chances are, a bouncer would show you to the door.

If you want to make women responsible for your behavior then you don’t really deserve much respect. It may be true that you can’t help what you find to be attractive, but you can help what you do about that. Even if you live in a culture that has sent you the message that you don’t have to because “She was asking for it, I mean look at what she had on!

One of my favorite essays of all time is this one by Laura Polk, entitled When Suits Become a Stumbling Block: A Plea to My Brothers In Christ. It is not only a brilliant piece of satire, but it makes her point impeccably. Even being completely covered up can be very sexy, and it’s absurd to make other people responsible for your behavior or reaction to how you look.

Every time I pass a man in a well-tailored suit, I try to keep my eyes averted to avoid the evil, lustful thoughts that will surely creep into my head. Sometimes I’m successful. Other times…I’m in an office building and I find my senses assaulted by a sea of men in strutting around in well-tailored suits, smelling of cologne and after-shave and…….

[gazes out the window]

Don’t these men have any self respect? Do they even understand how their clothing affects me? I wonder what is going through men’s heads when they decide to dress this way. All I know is that when a man wears a nice suit with pants that are juuuust tight enough, I will notice.

Perhaps, instead of chastising me for not having enough self control, you could take a good hard look at what’s in your closet and then ask yourself: “Is my wardrobe advertising something that is not for sale?”

The essay is punctuated with pictures of men looking damned good in suits. She goes on to mention other temptations that men should refrain from doing, in the interest of keeping her from impure thoughts (complete with accompanying hot photos of men doing these things). These include Leaning while holding your suit jacket, Flaunting your intelligence by saying smart things, Being a talented musician, Wearing white button down shirts, Talking passionately about social justice causes such as fracking, Reading books, Looking pensive or smoldering, Wearing glasses, and Dancing.

The author ends with this swipe at the people who want to make these sorts of rules for women under the premise that otherwise men cannot be held responsible for what they do.

Remember: upholding an impossible standard that will never remain static and is subject to the cultural, religious, or societal context within which it resides must ALWAYS trump your comfort, convenience, and ability to exist in a public space in whatever manner you choose.

This doesn’t mean that bare breasts or lots of cleavage is appropriate for women in any and all situations any more than bare chests or tank tops are for men. But it does mean that we ought to stop perpetuating this silly myth that men have so little agency and so little self-control around women’s breasts that women themselves have to try to manage men’s reactions on their behalf because they can’t be expected to do it on their own.

Even in a society that objectifies and fetishizes women’s breasts, it is still possible for men to not be slaves to their cultural conditioning. We know this because men do it every day in swinger’s clubs and clothing-optional spaces with little to no difficulty. It all comes down to what is expected and normalized. And in addition, not everything takes place with the male gaze in mind.

Time to grow up boys, and take on some agency. Other people manage to refrain from staring, leering, groping, and commenting upon the bodies of people that they find to be attractive. If they feel turned on, they handle that like adults. In fact, lots of men do this with no issue at all. I don’t see any reason why you can’t as well.

© Copyright Elle Beau 2022