Men Describe What It Takes to Be a ‘Real Man’

And I have to say, it’s pretty disturbing

Paul Kivel conceptualized the “Act Like a Man Box” in the early 1980’s, by asking high school boys what the rules were for being a man. It turned out the rules were pretty straightforward. They included: • Hide all emotions • Treat women as less, have control over women • Be tough, never admit self doubt, fear • Police and bully other boys who don’t conform.

More recently, when researchers asked a socially and ethnically diverse range of men ages 18–30 in the US, the UK, and Mexico what it takes to be a “real man” the responses were very similar. Here are the 7 main pillars:

• Be self-sufficient — Real men should be self-reliant, particularly with regard to their physical and emotional health.
• Act tough — Real men should be willing to defend their reputation, by violence if necessary. They also should remain stoic when dealing with vulnerable emotions.
• Physical attractiveness — Real men should dress well and look good, but without appearing that they are trying too hard to do so.
• Rigid gender roles — Real men expect to be financial providers but not to do much in the way of child or home care.
• Heterosexuality and homophobia — Real men should be both heterosexual and derogatory of homosexuality, even if they have gay friends that they accept.
• Hypersexuality — Real men are interested in and ready for sex anytime and anywhere. They should always be on the prowl for their next “sexual conquest.”
• Aggression and control — Real men use physical violence when necessary, and hold control over household decisions and women’s movements.

Those are all pretty disturbing demands, both for the men themselves and for the society that they live in. It’s not 1950 anymore, but it seems that many men and boys are still being indoctrinated into these outdated ideas about masculinity — ones which lead to isolation and performative violence in order to meet the demands of the Man Box. What these studies also indicate is that this view of manhood is not only being taught and reinforced by parents and male peers but that sometimes girls (particularly girlfriends) play a part in expecting boys and men to uphold some of these mores as well.

Approximately three out of ten men in the US and UK reported that a romantic partner (mostly girlfriends) would expect them to use violence to defend their reputation, with a slightly lower rate of agreement in Mexico.

Survey participants were particularly likely to have encountered messages related to men’s self-sufficiency, toughness, and hypersexuality.

The Equimundo survey of men in the US, UK, and Mexico did find that overall, young men somewhat distance themselves from the Man Box rules, but they don’t reject them outright. “Some men may be able to reject restrictive and negative social pressures related to masculinity, but a great many embrace these pressures and the version of manhood that they promote.”

There does seem to be some positive correlation for the guys who adhere to these norms of masculinity in that they get reinforcement from society for being “a real man” and fulfilling those expectations. Those who adhere most closely to these norms tend to feel pretty good about themselves for doing so, however, there is also a price to pay.

Young men’s mental health is in a worrisome state. Their bravado masks deep insecurities, depression, and frequent thoughts of suicide. Men in the Man Box in the US and UK are statistically significantly more likely to meet a screening standard for depression than men outside the Man Box. Furthermore, all young men’s rates of suicidal ideation are troubling, with particularly high rates among men in the Man Box.

Young men are more likely to report providing emotional support to others than they are to report being emotionally vulnerable or seeking help themselves. In line with the Man Box rule that young men be self-sufficient, study participants tend to grapple with emotions with little or no support from others. When they do seek support, it is from women in their lives — almost never from their fathers. We also see that fear of appearing vulnerable or gay still has a powerful influence over young men’s behaviors, particularly for men in the Man Box.

The Man Box is also a place of extremely risky behaviors, particularly binge drinking and reckless driving. Too many young men associate being a “real man” with alcohol abuse and dangerous driving, putting themselves and others at risk when they try to meet this harmful standard.

Young men’s notions of physical attractiveness still link primarily with muscle bulk and body shape, as opposed to a more inward, individual sense of confidence and attractiveness.

The Man Box is an enormously violent place, with negative repercussions for young men themselves, for young women, and for others in their lives. Men in the Man Box in the US and UK are as much as six or seven times more likely to report having perpetrated acts of online or physical bullying against male peers than men outside the Man Box. Men in the Man Box in Mexico are also three times more likely than their peers outside the Man Box to report having perpetrated sexual harassment. In the US and UK, men in the Man Box are six times more likely to report perpetrating sexual harassment.

In other words, the comfort and sense of accomplishment that some men get from adhering to these parameters about what it means to be a real man are offset by the ways that it harms both them and society at large. Parents and friends may offer praise and the men themselves may feel that they have succeeded in doing what is expected of them, but it tends to lead to emotional isolation, loneliness, and often to violence. When men are not allowed to be who they truly are, full human beings capable of the same range of emotions and social connection needs as women and all people, it is harmful to them and our culture is selling them short in doing so.

I’ve heard many men opine that this is not societal pressure, but how men really are, or how men actually prefer to live. But if this were indeed the case, rather than deeply embedded indoctrination, why are so many men suicidal? “The suicide rate is highest among middle-aged white men, who accounted for almost 70% of all suicides in 2017.” It’s pretty apparent that the pressures of being “a real man” do not actually deliver on the promised advantages. Human beings are an incredibly social species and norms that demand isolation and suppression of normal emotions cannot help but come with negative consequences.

The good news is, more and more men, particularly young men, are realizing that they don’t have to fit into a rigid set of rules of acceptable masculinity. “One focus group participant from Beeston Hill, Leeds, UK, made the distinction between “inside strength and outside strength,” reporting that the ability to walk away from violence was what made a man strong.”

In addition, many of the respondents did not agree with the Man Box rules about household chores and childcare being “women’s work”, expressing instead that they wanted to be deeply involved in their children’s lives. “As long as I’m nothing like my dad, I’m happy,” said one participant. As the Equimundo study concludes :

Some men are able to reject restrictive, negative social pressures related to masculinity, but many embrace these pressures and rules, as well as the version of manhood they represent. young men in all three countries overwhelmingly reject notions of manhood that imply that men are superior to women or that men should not care for children. However, they show strong support for toughness and the repression of emotions. Indeed, while men in the three countries have come a long way toward accepting equality between women and men, they still have a long way to go to break free of norms that hold them in emotionally straightjacketed forms of manhood.

There is still considerable social pressure and reinforcement for staying inside The Man Box and following these rules, even though they come with consistent significant mental health consequences as well as negative repercussions for women and society as a whole. “In all three countries, men in the Man Box show dramatically, statistically significantly higher levels of reported suicidal ideas than men outside the Man Box.”

Women have come a long way in the past 50 years, and although there are still many traditional gender expectations and norms for what it means to be female, women have a lot more flexibility than they used to. Things have opened up to some extent for men as well, but it still takes courage and a real belief in oneself for men to move away from what they have been told it takes to be “a real man” because repercussions for rejecting that still exist.

Based on these studies, men and boys are well aware of what is expected of them in order to be “a real man” and they also know that is harmful to their own sense of autonomy and self, as well as to other people, particularly women. A society where no one is expected to adhere to rigid gender norms, and where each person can strive to express their true self would be a happier, healthier society for everyone.

© Copyright Elle Beau 2021