Men Are Wonderful Entry 6: When They Commit

There’s a lot of time and attention devoted to men who can’t or won’t commit for various reasons (fear, immaturity, distraction, disinterest, failure to launch, etc.). You’ve heard these conversations, and they are often loud, boisterous, and backed up by a choir singing songs that we’ve heard on a loop and learned so well: Men are unreliable or Men never settle down.

What we’re not talking about is the vast number of men (don’t believe the hype) who do just that: they settle down, they prove themselves reliable, they keep their word, and they demonstrate — consistently — their commitment to themselves, their families, their friends, and the investments within their sphere of influence.

These men are the pillars of their social structures. They are not the honorary pillars, called pillars because of who they know, who they pretend to be, or how they are perceived through the smarmy outer veneer of charisma. Our committed men show up and strive to do the right things daily (often without complaint), and as a result of that commitment, the foundation for so many of our lives is secure.

Let’s explore three ways that men are wonderful when they commit.

1- Committed Men Play the Long Game

A committed man is relentless about focusing on the future, even if that focus costs him what he wants, needs, or prefers right now. Just as women are sacrificing their career goals, interests, and self-care to support families, there are men:

• Dropping out of school, training programs, or promotion pools to be more available to aging parents, wives, or children
• Canceling vacations and spending leisure money on home emergencies
• Settling for generic, discount products when they have expensive tastes
• Working longer hours due to the higher cost of living
• Losing touch with friends because of home commitments

And you may be thinking, “Well whoop-dee-doo… women do this all the time,” but that’s sort of the point. Men also do this all the time. They’re not all shuffling a card deck of paramours, abandoning their children, and driving off into the sunset with their working women’s money. Good men regularly set aside even what they urgently desire because they have their family’s stability and future in mind.

2- Committed Men Protect Their Investments

I’m not just talking about retirement savings and diverse portfolios. When men talk about the strains of being head of household (whether you perceive that he is a head of household or not), protection is at the top of that list. From the moment the committed man wakes up in the morning until the moment he puts his head on the pillow at night, he is thinking, “How am I going to make sure everybody’s okay?”

This isn’t a mantra that we should take lightly. After all, the general expectation in society is that men will protect and defend. It’s one of the first responsibilities boys are taught in early development, right? “Boys protect and defend.” So, when a man commits himself to a social group… when he takes responsibility for the lives of people in any sense… he continually anticipates threats. The strain of standing on that wall, watching for danger (especially when many of the modern dangers feel far beyond a man’s control) can be crippling.

The committed man’s willingness to swallow that layoff and retrain for the new economy, his determination to keep certain influences out of his house even if he is unpopular because of it, his continual return to the boundary line to be sure that established routines and limits are in place to keep his finances and his family secure… it’s so wonderful.

3- Committed Men Show Up Anyway

We underestimate the importance of frustrated, irritated, discouraged men who “show up anyway” when they really want to give up and go home (or leave home). Just as women do, men go through long periods of disillusionment and unhappiness, but they often don’t feel at liberty to discuss just how unhappy they are about having to be the protectors, providers, and prognosticators for so many people.

Men go to work for bosses who berate them. They are outside in the elements working trade jobs regardless of their aches and pains to keep food on the table. They come home to women who won’t talk to them (we do that sometimes) for reasons that they don’t understand. They don’t know what’s going on ladies, seriously. They hide or ignore their health issues to avoid interrupting the flow of the household. Guys, you really shouldn’t do this. They are often sexually frustrated in ways they can’t even communicate.

And yet, they keep showing up. They get in the car in the morning and they go to work. They get in the car after work and they come home. They go to the grocery store and they come back. They go out with the guys, but they’re home by the couple's curfew. (You know… the time that the other person starts worrying that you might be dead.) They lose jobs and get jobs. They get sick but fight to get better. They get knocked down — hard sometimes — but they keep getting up. And quite frankly, they do most of their crying in seclusion, cut off from the people they most need to aid in the soothing.

Commitment Is the Hardest “Men Are Wonderful” Characteristic to Praise

Do you know why? We just take it for granted that of course, men should be committed. But here’s a newsflash — and many of us have experienced this firsthand — they don’t have to be! A man could spend every dime of what he made and never bring it home, married or not. He could not pay into a pension. He could never pay a bill. He could ignore you and the kids. He could swear off all the grandparents and family members, and never attend a holiday or social gathering.

He could open your home to miscreants of all types. He could let your teenage daughter smoke pot in the back of the house and entertain her boyfriend-of-the-week in the living room. He could watch porn in the kitchen on his cell phone during breakfast while the kids eat at the table. He could spend his nights at home getting high and “innocently” drunk dialing his female coworkers.

He could just leave home one Monday morning and say he’ll be back by six and not show up again, ever. Some of us… we have met these men who see no need to commit to the long game, protection, and showing up anyway. And I’ll tell you, if you’ve got a man around who loves you enough to be that guy, that guy committed to the holistic well-being of his family, you’ve got something outstanding.

Committed men, you are just wonderful. And we — the women — we love you for that.