Memories of Guilt

Summary

A teacher reflects on the guilt instilled in him during his early career due to the moral expectations and scrutiny of the community in a small, conservative Southern town.

Abstract

The author recounts a visit to his former teaching town, reminiscing about the past and the moral climate that influenced his career. He recalls the strict expectations placed on teachers, including a moral clause in contracts and the community's watchful eye, which led to feelings of guilt over perceived improprieties, such as being seen outside of school during work hours. The author reflects on how these experiences have left a lasting impact, affecting his ability to enjoy leisure activities like reading fiction without feeling guilty for not working. Despite this, he acknowledges personal growth and the freedom he now feels to engage in activities he once avoided due to his teaching responsibilities.

Opinions

The author feels that the moral expectations placed on teachers during his early career were excessive and led to unnecessary guilt.
He believes that the community's perception of teachers' behavior was overly critical, given that teachers were also expected to be constantly available and supportive outside of regular hours.
The author values the importance of work-life balance and regrets the time he missed out on personal adventures due to his commitment to teaching.
He recognizes the lingering effects of his past experiences on his current lifestyle, particularly in his leisure choices and the enjoyment of reading for pleasure.
Despite the challenges, the author is proud of his teaching career and the dedication he showed to his students.

Thursday Reflection — Guilt

I had a doctor’s appointment yesterday. I have had the same doctor for over thirty years. I have known him even longer than that. Early in my teaching career I used to also coach athletics. He would give discounted physicals to students trying out for teams. I met him through that. The good part of having an appointment is that whenever I have one I get to drive back into my personal history. I get to pass by the building that I was a rookie teacher in way back in 1977. The building is no longer the high school. It is now the middle school. It has also been greatly expanded since I was there. The entire area is was built up from the very rural high school town I started teaching in.

I do however mentally go back in history every time I make that drive. There is a modern convenience store on the corner opposite the school. Back when I started teaching it was a little gas station. The wife of the man that owned the gas station would make friend chicken in an old cast iron frying pan on a single burner hot plate. It might just be that memories exaggerate things but I this it is the best fried chicken that I have ever had. Everything was done by her recipe. They didn’t sell much in the little store that had the gas pumps outside it. It was however the only place near the high school. If you forgot your lunch it was cafeteria food, go hungry, or go there.

I started my teaching career in a small town in the southern part of the United States. It was a very conservative area. Things would happen back then that nobody could imagine now. It is where I think guilt started in my teaching career. It was an exciting time for us young teachers. We worked hard and we played hard. There was a moral clause back then in teaching contracts. That meant that if it was found out you did something immoral you could be terminated.

One well known situation back then involved a male and a female teacher. They were called into the division director’s office because her car was seen by parents in his driveway one weekend. The reality was that she got a drive from his house to the airport for a weekend trip. He then picked her up at the airport and she got her car and went back to her apartment. They explained this and were told that it was a small town and appearances matter. They were told not to do that again because it appeared immoral. It is a good thing that many of us young teachers could only afford to live in Clare’s apartments so all of our cars were parked there and they never knew who slept where. If they knew that the parties sometimes went on all night I am sure we would have been in big trouble. Nobody had to drive home.

I can recall being called into the principal’s office well a number of times because I had walked across to the gas station to get lunch. I was told that people saw me out of the high school and since they were taxpayers they had called in to find out why I wasn’t working. Yes I know that they too were probably on lunch break and doing the exact same thing but I was a teacher and I needed to be teaching. Teachers were and generally are expected to work many hours outside of their regular hours. Teachers back then were expected to attend sporting events so that their students could see them and that parents could see them supporting their kids.

Ultimately, I learned that doing things that were not part of teaching were wrong. I began to feel guilty for doing normal things. I still sometimes have a hard time reading a book for pleasure because I feel guilty. Back then I would think I could be planning or grading papers instead of reading. I could watch TV because I could do that and some school work. I also have a hard time reading nonfiction because I relate it to educational books, which tend not to be too engaging. Mathematics books especially. I have talked about putting my students first before. I don’t mind that I did and am proud of my work as a teacher.

On my drive down memory lane yesterday I realized that there probably was quite a bit of guilt ingrained into me during my teaching career. I tend to do what I want now, or think I do. I go through periods especially when I am in Romania where I read book after book. I still do not read too many nonfiction books. I used to tell Gerry I couldn’t go on adventures because it conflicted with teaching. I now go on many each year with him. I am getting better but the PTSD affects from that guilt might still need some work.