Meet Literary Larry, Your Virtual Assistant For Highbrow References
Hi there! I’m Literary Larry and I’ll fortify your online writing with cultured allusions that camouflage your work’s deficiencies in exaggerated significance, a technique behavioral economists like Dan Ariely and Daniel Kahneman call ‘The Dennis Miller Method of Pseudo-Substantiality.’
So, you’re crafting a blog piece on child rearing difficulties during the toddler phase. Wonderful! My rigorous content algorithm can examine the salient points and suggest the addition of enchanting phrases like: “Parenting is an undertaking more monumental than the completion of the Mainz Cathedral by Bardo, first arch-chancellor of the Holy Roman Empire.” Cathedrals connote stability and timeless beauty, the intriguing title ‘arch-chancellor’ stimulates the parietal lobe, and the reader’s limbic cortex will light up at the phrase ‘Holy Roman Empire’ for its trifecta of powerful words.
Hammering away at a piece on achieving personal fulfillment through work-life balance? That’s so admirable! Let’s punch up your advice with this stimulating proposition: “Proper work-life harmony can have you feeling as elated as Karma Lingpa when he discovered the Tibetan Book of the Dead on top of Mount Gampodar when he was 15 years old.” This shocking assertion will captivate the reader by electrifying their amygdala into an adrenaline-drenched hyper-awareness.
Detailing your New Year’s resolution health and fitness regime? My algorithm suggests working in an astute mention of 1970s Italian prog rock. Just try out this phrase: “You have to start small and build from there, like the increasingly intense movements of Museo Rosenbach’s 1973 conceptual opus Zarathustra.” Uncommon names like Museo and Zarathustra hook readers and tickle their temporal lobes.
Are you crafting a piece on the DIY chalkboard wall you built for your son’s bedroom? Might I recommend the following phrase: “You just need a simple and efficient design, like the clothes packing rack Milton ‘Gummo’ Marx patented after leaving his brothers’ vaudeville act and serving in World War I.” This will mobilize the reader’s hippocampus as they attempt to recall ever knowing there was a Gummo Marx while simultaneously overwhelming the right occipital lobe with wistful nostalgia for the last book club novel they read that took place during World War I.
Blogging about new Spring fashions? Try “Your eyes will be drawn to this strappy midi dress with the same intensity as the tenacious interaction between quarks and gluons in the theory of quantum chromodynamics.”
Are you writing European travel tips for first-time American backpackers? Let’s work in this helpful proposal: “Strive to live in the present and enjoy each moment as it comes, in the spirit of the infinitely flat and unchanging space-time continuum suggested by Zeno’s arrow paradox as recounted by Aristotle in 4th-century BC.” That riveting humdinger will surely grab readers by every cortex, synapse, and neuron.
Showing off a new recipe? Fantastic! I can heighten your description of the dish with a magnificent allusion like this: “Ingredients and plating are each as integral to the dining experience as Cernunnos the horned forest god is to fertility and vegetation in Celtic mythology.” References to pagan gods flood the reader with cosmic terror and the mention of fertility has the potential to excite the hypothalamus into full sexual release depending on the reader’s state of nakedness or proximity to physical contact in a crowded public place.
Literary Larry is here to help! With inclusions like these, your blog pieces will stand out with more compelling details than Hieronymus Bosch’s 16th-century oil on oak panel masterpiece The Garden of Earthly Delights.
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