RELATIONSHIPS | DIVORCE

Meet Lisa of Clear Mind and Heart; Say Goodbye to 30 Years of His Name

Biting the bullet after divorce

My divorce attorney questioned me and caught me off-guard, unprepared. My heart stopped. His words sounded cold and dramatic. Am I breathing? This dry and matter-of-fact query cut deep and shocked me.

“No!” rose from my toes and burst from my lips.

The rawness of leaving my 25-year marriage in 2018 rested on the surface of my skin with no signs of dissipating. I was acutely aware that my decision would permanently alter many lives.

Mine included.

Each and every nerve ending tingled during the process and for years after.

I had done the unthinkable by calling it quits.

Many people describe me as strong, driven, and focused.

Fearless.

I am until I’m not.

Fear of the unknown stops me dead in my tracks. Avoidance lasts as long as it takes to process every probable outcome before making a decision. My methods are generally calculated with speed. I am not a lolly-gagger.

“Do you want to go back to your maiden name?”

My knee-jerk reaction was to deny this specific request during the processing of the final judgment by the courts. I felt compelled to keep my married name.

Maintaining it served one purpose at the time.

I clung to any salvageable piece of my relationship with my adult kids.

Their anger, their disbelief, and their confusion created massive wedges in our relationships. I daresay they hated the dissolution and me at the time.

To erase the shared ‘Braun’ name would pour salt into their wounds.

I was afraid to change my name back.

So, I said no.

It’s been four years since that question was presented. The window of opportunity to handle a name change easily had slammed closed.

I started second-guessing my decision within the third year post-divorce. Last year I had written a story seeking advice.

It took much reflection, inner dialogue, and hard questions to uncover my basis for holding on. Why was this so difficult for me? It wasn’t about clinging to the past or to an unhealthy marriage. The emotional upheaval had nothing to do with my ex and everything to do with me.

I didn’t want to lose 30 years of my life.

For more than half of my time on earth, my identity was wrapped around my name. Would erasing it also erase the years? Many good memories exist from those decades. Yes, decades.

Do I have to turn my back on them?

Today, my heart and mind are settled in a place of understanding.

My name is not my identity.

My heart, my soul, and my contributions in life make up who I am.

I will no longer stress about being forgotten or having to explain my new name. Letting go of the worry allowed me to focus. My kids agreed and supported my decision to return to my maiden name.

Their acceptance, to me, made my previous indecision worth the wait.

We’ve come a long way, baby.

They love me.

I have filed my intent to the government. The 11-paged document sits in the queue.

Some of my social media user names and portions of my writing platforms were adjusted this weekend, thanks to inadvertent prodding by the writer now known as Michele Maize (The Sober Vegan Yogi).

We never know what our final push will be or where a catalyst may arise in life. Michele’s concerns stimulated a revisit of my issue.

I needed a nudge. The reminder to be present, be aware and continue self-assessment toward a better life was right in front of me.

Yes, it took me a long time to bite the bullet, but it’s my time and my bullet.

I feel good.

Free.

My name reflects my strength, integrity, and conviction.

My identity is me, who I am, what I do, and my family whom I love.

I am Lisa S. Gerard.

Nice to meet you.

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