Sports
Medium Writers Fantasy Football League
Update: 9.6.23: The league is canceled, but the story is still funny. Read on!
All the fantasy magic of professional football without the life-altering brain damage.
In my previous organization, the rabid NFL football fans would metaphorically gear up for the loveable smack-talking paradise of our Office Fantasy Football League. Over several months, twelve deluded team managers selected professional athletes to represent our ego and vigorously competed based on real-world player statistics.
Nothing replaces the corrupt joy of walking into the office on Monday morning, knowing you whooped your supervisor’s bum region by 47 points in mythical completion. Then that feeling is instantly replaced by foreboding dread when he reminds you his best three players have yet to play in the Monday night game — or she makes you do real work.
After seventeen weeks of head-to-head matchups, the most crafty — and lucky — team manager took home the league trophy, a cash prize of $10,000, and two weeks of paid vacation. The winner of twelve place — or loser — had the choice of being fired without a severance package or getting an embarrassing tattoo selected by the sadistic head of marketing. ¹
Most of that never happened, but we did have a trophy.
The fourth-worst event in human history
Fast forward to a few months into my new life of solopreneur shenanigans. A realization struck me in the brain sauce like a lost hummingbird at the diabetes factory. For the first time, my brain pumped out the question:
If I don’t have coworkers, who do I play fantasy football with?
Most people would solve this conundrum with a particular classification of people called “friends.” Unfortunately, for reasons irrelevant to the reader, I have no friends. More accurately, none of my current friends care about football.
The overlap between People Who Like Sports and People Who Like Mark is a deserted wasteland of emptiness where no soul shall live. This Venn Diagram may help showcase the magnitude of the problem.
Stopgap
To preserve my beloved — but completely unnecessary — fantasy football ecosystem, a colleague created a last-minute “former employee” league. The Formers scratched my hard-to-reach fantasy itch, but my heart was still suffering from withdrawal.
I love my job, and working by myself allows me tremendous freedom in the work I do every day. But loneliness creeps in the long months of the football season.
Moving forward
The simplest solution — other than giving up my ridiculous hobby of vicariously living through professional athletes’ weekly successes and failures — is to redefine who my coworkers are.
Who do I spend the most time with besides my family and anti-sport friends? You guessed it! The not-so-small and not-so-large writers of Club Meedz. Drumroll, please. Welcome to the…
The Medium Writers Fantasy Football League
I formally invite you to play in the newly formed “Medium Writers” fantasy football league on ESPN.
It is a newly created 12-team PPR league with a fourteen-week season followed by a three-week playoff. Players are selected by a snake draft, and scoring uses the standard head-to-head ESPN configuration.
Since most of these fantasy football terms sound like crypto-bro nonsense, here are some helpful definitions hidden in a moderately snarky FAQ.
Frequently Asked Questions
Is this league real?
Yes. As a writer of satire, it can be challenging to know when I’m telling the truth.
I AM TELLING THE TRUTH RIGHT NOW.
This is a 100% authentic request for Medium writers to play fantasy football together.
Why is it called “fantasy football”?
Athletes in the real world play professional football, and ESPN calculates the value of their contribution to the team using game statistics. Weekly contests pit one league team against another.
Fantasy football managers create a microcosm of reality where Average Joe and Average Jane believe they have superior football knowledge to NFL coaches and that 90% of fantasy outcomes are not determined by luck. Does that sound like we are particularly attached to reality?
What is PPR?
Points-per-reception. Players who catch the ball get a bonus point in the ESPN scoring model. These players are usually on my opponent’s team.
When is the draft?
The draft is set for Saturday, September 2nd, at 9:00 EST.
Do I have to be online during the draft?
Technically, no. But it is significantly more fun if you are. The draft typically lasts about 90 minutes, and ESPN makes it easy for people with limited football knowledge to select their team.
Why is it called a “snake” draft?
The draft order reverses after every round to balance the fairness of the selections. Also, fantasy football was created by Lord Voldemort to give millions of adults — mostly men — an insignificant distraction from life’s priorities. Coach V. is really, really, really into snakes.
How much time does fantasy football take?
There are human beings like Matthew Berry whose entire life and livelihood are dedicated to fantasy football. This league is beginner friendly, so it does not need to rule your existence. It only takes a few minutes to make changes to your team.
We ask that everyone in the league updates their roster once a week.
Can I try it for a few weeks, then not check my team for the rest of the season?
Even in beginner leagues, this behavior constitutes a war crime.
How much does it cost?
The only price that Medium writers can afford. FREE!!!
Are their prizes for winning the league?
Yes.
Are you really going to make us ask what the winner receives?
Yes
[Grumbles] What does the winner receive?
After the season ends, we all agree to promote a Medium story by the league winner.
I’m a douchenozzle who will take this league waaaaaaay too seriously. Can I play?
No
I’m NOT a douchenozzle and want to play. How do I join the league?
Sign up with the link below.
Conclusion
I recognize that many of you are not sports fans nor care for American football. However, if you are one of the mythical unicorns in the purple area of the Venn Diagram, we would love to have you join the Medium Writers Fantasy Football League. ²
Philip Ogley Victor Cardenas Adam Robinson BichoDoMato Patrick Eades Ann James Ben Ulansey Tejaswini Katreddy B.R. Shenoy Carlo Zeno Cristina Cattai The Fifth Pillar Deb Palmer David Perlmutter Douglas Lim Eric Filipkowski Ginger Cook Grandma Smillew Grimsby Hackney Gulsun Uluer Jonathan Weaver Jay C Wells Jim Karwisch John Losey Kandis Lake Kendra Sparkles Kua Lina Linda Ann Fryer Lindy Vogel Lu Skerdoo Malky McEwan Mary Chang Story Writer Michelle Spencer Natalie Patrick Metzger Philip Mann-Montreal Rachel A Fefer Raine Lore Sally Prag Shirley Laffa Smillew Rahcuef Selina Miyasia Srini Susan Christiana Tai Le Grice Nathan Chen Toya Qualls-Barnette Eko BP Uvebruce Vidya Sury, Collecting Smiles Ed Caplan Larrylambert
Footnotes
¹ Sounds insane? My friend Bear — who is a human — was part of a FF league where the winner selected a tattoo design for last place. Last I heard, Mike Antonia is learning to appreciate his My Little Pony neck tattoo.
² I receive no compensation for hosting this league; I do it for the fun and community.
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