Medium Reporter Issue №8

Medium’s Favourite Comedy Newspaper

Humour Publications Turf War Erupts

Medium police were battling through the night to control an all-out turf war between the most popular publications of fun and wackiness on the platform.

It all started when Doctor Funny kingpin, Michael Burg, put a call out to all the leaders of the big five humour publications, in an attempt to get them working together to control all the funny output and share the rewards equally. A meeting was held, at Medium’s comedy centre “The Rib Tickler Club”, and all the big five publication leaders were to attend and bring five of their writers along for protection. In attendance were, Burg himself, Sally Prag (Badform), Christine Stevens (The Haven), Susan Brearley (MuddyUm) and Emily Kapp (Belladonna).

“The problems all started when Emily Kapp went to the toilet but, after 20 minutes, didn’t come back.” A Medium police representative told us, “ So her co-writer, █████ █████ * went to look for her and came running back shouting ‘Someone has smacked her in the face with a custard flan!’”

All hell broke loose and the gangs of laugh-mongers started nervously moving towards the exits. Philip Ogley was running around with a ladder and knocked Oscar Rhea and Emily Porter, from The Haven over, only for them to get back up again and be knocked down again as Philip kept turning around to see what was going on. The whole team from MuddyUm jumped into Anu Anniah’s car and thick black smoke came out of the engine and all the doors fell off. Badform’s Sofia Chen was squirting water on everyone from a flower in her lapel, and when Doctor Funny’s A Strong Woman Weak, grabbed her handkerchief to dry it off, an endless string of handkerchiefs kept coming from Sofia’s pocket, until they turned into all the flags of the world and ended with a plastic roasted chicken.

Eventually, Medium’s police managed to bring things under control after they had arrested everyone and rescued Patrick Eades, who was, inexplicably, hanging from the minute hand of a huge clock tower.

The police also confiscated several weapons including bags of flour, banana skins and guns that had a flag coming out of the end with the word “bang” on them.

Medium CEO Tony Stubblebine was asked to comment on these horrific shenanigans. “It’s just not fucking funny is it?” He said.

Sir,

I imagine that a prestigious publication, like Medium Reporter, would include some medical professionals among its readership. Could any one of them advise if it is actually possible to wank oneself to death? I’m asking for a friend. No honestly I am, his name is Carlo Zeno.

Yours, BichoDoMato

(Editors reply): In all honesty, we can’t be sure. However we asked around the office and at least four people replied, “If anyone could, Carlo Zeno could.”

Sir,

I wonder if your readers could advise me on a matter of etiquette. The other night, while getting a blowjob, I noticed, what looked like, a head louse crawling in her hair. I’m in two minds as to whether or not I should say something, but I’m worried to hurt her feelings. She is my wife’s best friend after all.

Regards, Uvebruce.

Sir,

If any of your readers are thinking of wearing their wife’s knickers, while they are out at the bingo, make sure to tell them to not leave any skid marks or follow through on them. I’m getting a right fucking ear bashing right now.

Cheers, T. Kent Jones.

Dear Rabbi Reuben,

I’ve recently decided to identify as a Jew and I found out that, according to the book of Hogan Torah, it is forbidden to tear, or otherwise cut, toilet paper on the Shabbat.

As someone who shits quite frequently, how can I get around this issue? Also, if you have had a particularly spicy shakshuka the previous evening, and the ring sting causes you to increase the intensity of the wipe, causing a finger to poke through, does that count as a breach of the rules too?

Yours, Debdutta Pal.

Rabbi Reuben says…

Shalom, and thanks for your lovely letter, Debdutta. It is, indeed, a problem that requires some forward planning. I suggest that you work out the average amount of times you shit per day, and multiply that number by the amount of shit tickets, you get through, per wiping procedure. That will give you the number of cleft cloths you will need to tear off before sundown on Friday. It would be prudent to tear off a few additional arse wipes, in case you encounter clag drag, persistent whinnit cling or tag nuts.

Regarding poke-through, I’m afraid it will be considered a sin, as it will be deemed that you have failed to ameliorate the chances of it happening by using insufficient paper, so make sure you err on the side of caution. In the event that all measures have failed, and your ring finger has shot up your Suroviec opening, you must repent by confessing to a loved one (spouse, mother, offspring) or you pursue works of chesed and truth. Whatever you do, make sure you wash your hands and scrape out any nutella from under your fingernail with your house key or something. You don’t really want all shit on your hands while trying to remember the story of creation.

Dear Rabbi Reuben,

My stepdaughter is going out with a Jew and I want to make a good impression when she brings him round for dinner. The trouble is, I voted for Brexit and I don’t see why I have to cook all that foreign muck you lot eat. Do you have a recipe for kosher Yorkshire pudding that’s going to get me out of this difficult situation?

Kind Regards, Robert Bush.

Rabbi Reuben says…

Shalom Robert.

I have the perfect parve recipe for you:

• 2/3 cups eggs (3 large)
• 2/3 cups soy milk
• 2/3 cups flour
• 1/4 teaspoon salt
• 1 tablespoon cold water
• a little oil for the bottom of the muffin cups

Cook as per the normal Yorkshire pudding method. Don’t be surprised if they turn out shit though. That’s because the recipe doesn’t work. Don’t worry too much, however, because according to The Talmud, any marriage between a Jew and a non-Jew is prohibited and also does not constitute a marriage under Jewish law. So by the time his mother has finished with him, he’ll drop your stepdaughter like a hot latke, no matter how good your Yorkies turn out.

Across

4. Hair loss humourist (5/9)

5. Name scrambling saucy word generator (9)

Down

1. Magic anus owner (4/8)

2. White Your “?” anal bleaching treatment (4)

3. Kristine Laco’s slapstick lactating “?” (8)

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Krystal, Smillew Rahcuef, Mike Knittel, BichoDoMato, Belcairn, Annie Trevaskis, Tai Le Grice, Bridget Stella Ruxton Wilson, Cristina Cattai, ██████ ████████, ███ █████, May More 💜, Malky McEwan, Lysergic World Design, Reuben Salsa,██ ███████, ████████ ████, Rachel A Fefer, Sylvia, Mark Suroviec, M.Ed., ████ ██████████, Raine Lore, Shirley Laffa, Jay C Wells, ██████ ██████ ███████, Jillian Spiridon, Laura Knapke (Nap-Key), Holly J See 🐩🐕🦜, Arpad Nagy, ██████ ██████, Marie A. Rebelle, ████ █████, Paul Mansfield, Simon Dillon, ███ ███, F. Leonora Solomon, Nikolaos Skordilis, █████████, Zatanna Dark, Steve Vernon, Philip Ogley, Carol Lennox, Uvebruce, █████ ████, Captain Obvious, Charlotte Ella King, The Sturg, Michael Burg, MD (Satire Sommelier), Debdutta Pal