Meditation Changed My Life

How I learned to take control while letting go

Rounding my thirties I one morning awoke with a sinking feeling in my stomach. It was nothing I could put my finger on or call out with confidence. Something was just off. The dreary haze followed me the rest of the day and seemed to linger in the back of my subconscious for what seemed to be days… then weeks. Something inside me had changed. Something was wrong.

mulling over my new mood with friends and of course, my mom, I realized that I was falling into a depression. My sunshine was fading and it had everything to do with the path my life had taken… or should I say not taken.

I was finally old enough to begin to notice that all the things I had once believed so thoroughly were my destiny had not come true. What adventures had I gone on? I’d never volunteered during any natural disasters. I didn’t have some clever little investments stashed away for rainy days. Actually, I could barely balance a checkbook. Why was I still living paycheck to paycheck struggling to afford a worn down rental house that I was pretty sure had termites and an uneven cement driveway that always made me trip each evening after work walking to the front door? And I did say rental… yep. Not mine. My degree that I had slaved away at for six years of my life never got me even close to being in the career of my choice. In fact, the massive debt I had accrued earning my degree is precisely the reason why I didn’t qualify for a mortgage.

It’s an age-old dilemma. What is my purpose? As a species, we’ve been plagued by this question since the beginning of time. It’s a gnawing emptiness in the pit of the stomach that transcends nationality, age, gender, race, and social status. No one escapes it and I was no exception.

The longer I tried to ignore the growing black hole inside me even the smallest aspects of daily life paled in comparison to some unmet destination I needed to reach. I smiled at gatherings and tried hard to remember the names of new couples I met. I made a point of literally stopping to smell flowers. I halted once mid-step walking through the doorway of a Coney Island restaurant nearly bowling over the older couple behind me as I awkwardly leaned over to see if the tiny climbing roses wrapped around the brick wall had any scent. I wanted them to. I hoped for a whisk of sweetness to rush my senses. I wanted to feel.

I turned to research. Reading is helpful. I read all sorts of articles, magazines… blogs. I started listening to Yanni. I bought a bunch of crystals and sage. I prayed. I visited a psychic. I bought a kitten. I mean, I was really searching. Things were slowly becoming more emotionally rewarding and so I stayed true to my mission.

My path eventually led to a yoga class. I never really understood what all the fuss was about. Why did people pay money to bend over and roll around on mats with a bunch of strangers? So I figured why not see what I’ve been missing.

Vulnerable. I felt surprisingly vulnerable. Sitting there on my little mat in tights that showed far too much of how astray my diet had gone. Comfort food had not been good to me. The lights dimmed, the instructor turned on a gentle melody of soft flutes, and the candles that had been lit all along suddenly became apparent to me. The room felt soft. We began laying flat on our backs. Take a deep breath and exhale. Deep breath… and exhale. Again. At first, it felt like laying on prickly pins but the more I thought about breathing the more my body began to flatten and relax. So this was relaxation. I laid there still in the darkness. The instructor asked us to close our eyes and think of a lovely sun-soaked field. In the distance, there’s a huge beautiful hot air balloon sitting… waiting. The breeze is warm and tender. The balloon wavers a bit as it sits grounded. Go to it she said. I remember picturing myself making my way through the tall grasses. I imagined that maybe I could smell jasmine. I love jasmine and well, It’s my fantasy right? I may as well really hook it up. I reached the balloon and my mind began to wander a bit to some distant memories I had. Someone I really cared about took me in a balloon once. That was a great day. I let myself revisit that feeling of happiness.

The plot thickened and our instructor asked us to fill the balloon basket. Look inside your heart she said. Dig deep and grab tight to any feelings that hurt, regrets, sad times… memories that maybe no longer serve a purpose for our greater good. Visualize the memories as boxes and load them up into your balloon basket.

My basket filled quickly. After maybe ten minutes or so had passed, with our eyes still closed laying silently, we all at once released our balloons and watched them drift up into the blue sky. I could faintly hear the flicker of the session candles and I felt tears begin to run down my face. I was sobbing quietly. I don’t recall any one reason why. Laying there amongst strangers in the dark imagining all the balloons floating away with our pain, anger, sorrows, and missed opportunities overwhelmed my heart. I could feel my fingertips tingling and hear my pulse thumping. I was completely in that moment.

We were gently asked to get into a kneeling position. From there we slowly stood upright and phase two of the session began. I worked my way through the downward dog, warrior pose, and the eagle. By the end of class, I must have lost ten pounds, not in the thighs, but off my shoulders and heart. I drifted out the door and to my car. I sat there a few minutes just letting myself process and return to the reality of a drive home and all my evening responsibilities.

That day changed my life. That day I learned how to forgive myself. That day I found out how to prioritize. Life is what you make it. If you let yourself get bogged down, you’ll be bogged down. If you allow yourself to be taken advantage of, you’ll be taken advantage of. If you give yourself love, you’ll be loved. If you allow yourself to live in the past, how can your future ever begin.

That amazing yoga class was my first experience with any form of meditation. I realized that there’s a restart button whenever things begin feeling too heavy. Life became far less intimidating. I didn’t have to worry about the world’s expectations of me or about fitting into a mold. I didn’t have to put my dreams and needs on hold day after day pretending that everything’s alright. My anxiety and panic attacks began to subside. Somehow my skin felt more comfortable and the mornings held the sweet feeling of potential.

I adopted the ritual of quietly meditating on my little squishy blue mat in the dining room before bed. I took an example from my yoga classes and lit warm candles and dimmed the lights. I’d visualize myself in all sorts of scenarios. I’d put myself walking on a misty beach visiting with my grandmother who’d passed away quite some time ago. I’d tell her all the things I never had the chance to say when she was still alive and my best friend. I’d say I was sorry I wasn’t there by her side when she died. I imagined myself telling my dad that I forgave him for leaving us when I was little and that maybe being able to get to know each other today was much more important than any pain I could ever harbor from back then. I’d tell him I missed him.

A funny thing began to happen to me. Eventually, real-life scenarios became much easier. I applied for the portrait painting seminar I had dreamed of attending… and actually won the scholarship. I stopped pretending to be alright and told my partner about things he had said to me in the past that really hurt… things that I remembered because I had taken them to heart. He was genuinely surprised. I had hidden my pain well. But the new me allowed myself to be vulnerable in front of him and he hugged me with the love of a thousand years. We both learned a little more about love that day and what it means to be responsible for more than ourselves.

Meditation was my life raft. I was in a sinking battleship in an awful storm. So many aspects of my life were slowly unraveling because I had lost sight of the point. I had lost sight of what was important to me and I allowed the world to suffocate me. I woke up each morning gasping for air. There are so many things around us swirling out of control that’s it’s easy to lose our grounding. We lose our inner peace and with that goes our strength. Meditation helped me to regain the power to control the things I could and the strength to accept the things I didn’t have control over.

My most sincere hope is for others wandering or feeling a bit lost to take an example from my story. There’s no wrong way to begin the journey of meditation. It can be as simple as allowing yourself to lay quietly with your own thoughts each morning for five to ten minutes. Thanks to the internet, there’s no shortage of incredibly relaxing tracks designed specifically for meditation. Some even offer guided meditation like my hot air balloon experience. So make a point of setting aside a small bit of time to explore the depths of your mind and soul. Wishing you peace, love, and happiness.

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My name is Jamie Golob. I’m a writer, artist, and lover of life, motivated by the collective experiences and stories of the creative community. My mission is to illuminate and preserve the beautiful complexities of what it means to be human. Follow me on Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter.