Meditating with a Double Chin
And then here I was, weeks later, judging myself for how I looked when I meditated. Ridiculous.
I have been meditating properly in some form or another (yoga, walking, and seated) for more than a decade. I have been teaching mindfulness meditation for about just as long.
I know full well, with my whole being, that the point of these practices is to leave the external and move inward. Through the movement, the breath, the pauses, and most intensely, the silence, the internal monologue quiets, the nervous system settles, the body finds ease and rest.
Jon Kabat-Zinn, founder of MBSR, defines mindfulness as:
the awareness that emerges through paying attention on purpose, in the present moment, and nonjudgmentally to the unfolding of experience moment to moment.
Nonjudgmentally. Easier said than done.
Since September, I have been co-leading Mindfulness Mondays sessions with my colleague, Personal Counseling Clinician Suzana Pilipossian, via Zoom as an offering to our campus community at Pasadena City College, where I teach English full-time. Students, staff, are faculty are invited — and happily, we have a nice balance of all attend and participate.
During our weekly sessions, Suzana teaches for the first half, leading us in amazing mini-lectures and powerful discussions on mindfulness theories and strategies. Then I lead a body-based practice during the second half; I incorporate gentle seated yoga movement, breath, and stillness, so that participants can have the embodied experience of the theories that we’ve just learned about from Suzana.
It’s been such a powerful gift to my work week; not only do we all make the conscious decision to pause on a Monday afternoon in shared practice — which itself feels quite radical — but we’ve connected on such a deep level, sharing our struggles and success, as we try to live, work, and study mindfully as campus neighbors and friends.
As one student wrote in his reflection after (and gave me permission to share):
I am a substance abuse counselor who listens to some pretty hard and emotionally draining stories/struggles throughout each day. It is important that I recharge my battery and plug in whenever I can as to fill my emotional tank with enough serenity to distribute to those in need. This hour long practice is doing more than just helping me; it is actually helping me to help others by clearing my mind, helping me to refocus my efforts and ground myself in my sense of self.
I really related to the quote used in the slides, “One of the greatest tragedies in life is to lose your own sense of self and accept the version of you that is expected by everyone else” (Unknown). One last word, DEEP.
-David M.
However, on October 2, mere weeks after we started these sessions, I ended up with severe hip and back pain that has made it difficult to sit or stand for longer than five minutes. In early November, I was in so much pain, I had to miss a session. After that, I made it a point to be present — even though I couldn’t walk, sit, or stand, I knew the practice was as vital for my own healing process as it was for those who signed up to be there.
So rather than teach the seated and standing yoga poses and meditations from my chair, as I had been during the first few months, I taught the practice from my bed, propped up, using a bed desk (which I am still using to write and work.) Thankfully, I’ve been teaching long enough that I felt confident in my own ability to dictate the movements and breathwork without having to demonstrate them physically, and the participants were all understanding and kind.
It all worked out, and I found that even though I wasn’t able to move with them, I was able to focus on my own breath. Plus just being in community itself was a healing gift.
—
Suzana and I decided early on that we would tape the Zoom sessions, even though we’re still not sure what we’re going to do with them. In the middle of December, the head of professional development asked me to verify the attendance for faculty members, and so I had to go through the recordings to double-check my own list.
That’s when I saw it:
Me teaching meditation, with my eyes closed — and with a double chin.
Now here’s the thing — I pride myself on being both body positive and body neutral. I mean, heck, I wrote a Y.A. book in which the main character is on a journey to love her body just as it is, regardless of societal expectations (yes, shocker, it’s semi-autobiographical.)
As a mother, I’ve tried my very best to instill these lessons into my daughter — and I think I’ve done a pretty okay job. I’m proud of my work, as a writer, teacher, and mother, that attempts to push against norms and pressures, especially when it comes to body image.
But wow, in that moment, seeing myself like that — in all honesty — I gasped a bit.
And then, I laughed.
Because I immediately saw it — and felt it: society’s expectations creeping in on my own psyche.
There I was, frozen in that Zoom moment: Teaching meditation, with my eyes closed, breathing deeply — SMILING.
I was in joy. At peace. Healing, with my created community.
And then here I was, weeks later, judging myself for how I looked when I meditated.
Ridiculous.
So now what? Well, I’m trying not to judge myself too harshly for judging myself in that moment. (Oh, the layers!)
I want to pause again, here, to think about the quotation that David, above, held onto:
One of the greatest tragedies in life is to lose your own sense of self and accept the version of you that is expected by everyone else. (Unknown)
I refuse to lose my own sense of self to internalized societal expectations.
Instead, I accept my body: pain, fat, flesh, healing, and all — it is all beautiful because it moves me through this world each day. It connects me with others each day.
I accept the recorded Zoom version of myself because in that moment, I am smiling, and that’s all that really matters.
I accept myself, and I breathe into myself, double chin and all.