Meal O’ Clock: Play-by-Play Action
Listen up, sports fans……pets in the kitchen are positioning for a full court press!
Why can’t we eat in peace? Why can’t we — like normal people — enjoy a meal, a snack, or even take a peek into the refrigerator without being beset by a team of two drooling dogs and three sniffing, tuna-breath cats? Can someone please tell me?
Trying to duck, weave, avoid, or outsmart them takes the kind of skills you might see from a winning NBA basketball team. Even as I try to learn the rules of the game, I’m consistently defeated and outmaneuvered by the players.
So, here I am today, being interviewed by one of the top sports writers for The Best in Show Times. I’m honored to be chosen for this interview, but I honestly don’t know what I can contribute.
BIT: Deborah Camp, thanks for talking to us today. I know it’s gotta sting a little when the game plan you drew up for scoring a mid-day ice cream from the freezer fell short. What went wrong? You’ve had some wins and some losses, but tell us about your game going forward.
DC: Well, let me recap the action. The competition for Ben and Jerry’s Chubby Hubby was tougher than Kroger’s Vanilla Salted Pecan, which I must add, was not on special last week. So I just went for it, and bought the B & J. That’s on me. Mistake number one. Let’s not even talk about that loss today.
BIT: Okey-doke. Looking at your stats from last week, you had an early lead in the opening season when you managed to disguise the sound of a Lays Potato Chips package being opened by turning on the washing machine’s spin cycle. Good play!
DC: Yeah, I’m kinda proud of that one. Also, I gotta mention, in another game, I went hard into the paint around the refrigerator against our seasoned point guard, Mojo. You know, the Aussie-Border Collie mix? He’s a real play maker. Gotta practice serious zone defense against him… I mean, how many times a day can I run the washer?
BIT: Right, but don’t overthink it! I see you also delivered some other excellent offensive plays.
DC: A few. Yesterday, the tip-off at the pantry was started by Bernie cat. Bella-girl was charging, and Mooch was blocking. I enacted a pump fake, followed by a hand check, and it totally worked. Got out clean, made a slam dunk with some HOHOS and a few Little Debbie Snack Cakes.
BIT: Impressive! Tell me about that slick defense everyone is talking about.
DC: Oh, that? Well, I was getting some yogurt from the fridge when I heard Mojo get up and stretch in the hall. His tags were rattling so loud I was afraid he’d stir the cats.
BIT: So what happened?
DC: OK, this dude loves yogurt. So, I turn on the faucet, and just walk casually into the den. I open and close a few drawers. You know, pretend to put something away. He fell right back asleep, and not a peep from the cats.
BIT: Clever strategy. You might want to perfect that play — maybe run some similar versions to keep ahead of the game. Think about some post-up moves. Like you could turn on the radio maybe.
DC: Yeah, I gotta do something!
BIT: I notice things fell apart later into the week though……..
DC: Boy, did they! I tried to clear a lane to the refrigerator, but I ran into a technical that quickly became a flagrant foul. I won’t go into the gory details but I had to forfeit half a sandwich, a piece of cheesecake, and some of that expensive organic yogurt. Again, the yogurt. They all love the yogurt.
BIT: Sad. Sounds like they’ve upped their level of play.
DC: Well, as you know, cats and dogs have a much better sense of sound and smell than we do, so the match-up is uneven from the get-go. It’s hard to pull a decent defense, and offense is, like wow, almost impossible.
BIT: No doubt about it, you gotta change your mindset to get into the lead. It’s a head game. I understand it took you ten minutes to ease a calzone from the fridge, unwrap and microwave it for 60 seconds. And then you only ate two bites before the whole team was on you. What happened?
DC: Yeah, that was crazy. I mean, it took almost an entire quarter, but I thought I could pull it off. Cats were in the sun room, dogs were sleeping in the hall, and I hadn’t made a single sound until the microwave.
BIT: That’s what tipped ’em off!
DC: Uh-uh. It doesn’t usually stir them because when Michael reheats his coffee the sound rarely attracts any attention. So I don’t know what happened.
BIT: Let’s talk about your evening meal preparation. This is where you consistently fall short.
DC: You don’t hafta rub it in! I tried moving up their mealtime an hour earlier but we keep running out the clock every single night. But last night I thought I’d design a different play by ordering pizza. The strategy was just to take it to the rack and be done, but instead it was total chaos.
BIT: What kind of chaos?
DC: We ended up running a Hail Mary when Mojo and Mooch went flying to the door when the bell rang. Animals everywhere — cats perched on top of the hallway drawer, ready to pounce. One dog flopped, and the other charged the perimeter with everything he had. The cats were going paw-to-paw.
BIT: What did you do?
DC: I met the delivery guy at the door as they double-teamed me. My hands floated as high in the air as possible with the envelop containing the payment and tip.
BIT: Whoa!
DC: In mid action, Michael slid quickly towards the door, in a wide stance, low to the ground. He grabbed the Neapolitan, and sprinted to the bedroom, where a Chardonnay was chilling in a cooler. We slammed the door and ate our first meal in ages without the entire team. Game over!
BIT: Whew! What a recap. All I gotta say, Deb, is you got ice water in your veins! You’re not gonna be able to stop ’em. You can only contain ‘em.
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