THE MOODY MAVEN

Me, My Boobs, and I

We are all about team work

Is there anyone among us that doesn’t think about her own boobs? Mine have been with me a while now, about half my life. We are a team, obviously a closely knit one.

We enjoy life together — we do everything together. My boobs are just so much fun, it’s hard not to give them their own names.

However, I’m afraid I’m not that creative when it comes to naming my own boobs, I have sometimes called them “The Twins” and “The Girls” (We’ll come back to The Girls later). It would be wasteful to list all the terms I may have used once or twice. But there’s a ton and we all know a bunch of them.

So I just want to talk about what I normally call my own.

And then what a certain other someone calls them.

Onto the three Ps.

When in the Professional world I use “breasts.” For example, it’s time to be a serious grown up at the doctor’s office and answer doctor questions with grown up answers. “Breasts” is just the right way to go when adulting. And, by the way, when you have adulting questions, feel free to look to me for advice.

If I am at a Public place like the gym, they’re “boobs.” Not that I have open discussions about them while at the gym (I wouldn’t want to overly tease any lurking gym creeps). But my workout attitude is way more “boobs” than “breasts” once I’m on an exercise machine. And as far as I’m concerned, that’s appropriate adulting too. Just ask me!

A quick word about bewbs. It’s fun to spell it out “bewbs,” even though it’s really just “boobs” in a dollar store costume. These are funny words because spoken they are almost identical. But written out, “boobs” could be a princess while “bewbs” is clearly a rock-a-billy honky-tonk queen. I permit myself to be either, depending on the day of the week.

Once in the Privacy of my own home it’s a totally different story, of course. My husband can say things like jugs, fun bags, or motorboat — I know that last was more of a verb, but the sentiment comes across. I’m pretty open about what he calls my boobs and we can both get pretty creative on the fly.

So, then, those might be considered the three Ps of how I see adulting with my boobs. Professional, Public, and Private which then translates into breasts, boobs/bewbs, and a treasure trove of slang and innuendo.

Something I want to add here is a name I couldn’t stand. One evening my husband used the term, “Tig Ol Bitties.” As soon as he said it I cringed. I hated it. I mean I felt overwhelmed by a preternatural hatred of a million burning hell fires.

I REALLY didn’t like that one.

The first time he said it to me I gave him my very sweetest Southern Well, bless your heart. But the second time he said it he received a quick New York Cease and Desist Order of Business. But seriously, it’s just all kinds of ew, right? “Tig Ol Bitties,” I can barely type it out.

I’m not the only person with a pet peeve about boob naming by others.

For the cover of the May 2023 Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue, Martha Stewart sat for the camera. Can I just throw out there I hope we all look so good at 81?

During her cover shoot, they primped and prodded and adjusted her for every shot. All during the session the SI crew referred to her boobs as “The Girls.” Afterward, Martha said she would never use cute names for her boobs and found it annoying when others did, and that she “Hates stuff like that.”

Then there is Dolly Parton. A woman of many talents and famous attributes. In a total about face from Martha, Dolly named her boobs “Shock and Awe,” which is something she could get away doing without anyone accusing her of exaggeration.

While sometimes I think it might be fun with my own world renowned attributes, I’m pretty sure I couldn’t pull off anything close to what Dolly can. But if I had boobs like Dolly’s I think I would name them too. And Dolly, if you are reading this, please tell me how it feels possessing the power of “Shock and Awe.”

I promise I’m not jealous!

Much.