MAYHEM AT THE POOL PARTY
ALLSTATE’S MAYHEM SPRAYED RAID ON A SPIDER SITTING ON TOP OF A CANDLE!
Ramon and I crashed a raging pool party at the house owned by Liberty Mutual Insurance.
Millennials were swimming, diving, and sliding around with Liberty-issued laptops until they were electrocuted by a battery charger tossed in the pool by the utterly offended Statue of Liberty who, by the way, was uninsured.
Flo from Progressive, sporting a powdered sugar pancake stapled to her face, ran around muttering “you should have bundled” after Allstate’s Mayhem sprayed Raid on a spider sitting on top of a candle! The uninsured spider succumbed to the poison, but the backyard cornfield was set ablaze!
The Farmer’s Choir dashed to rescue the corn, but the three-foot water hose exploded and wrapped itself around the neck of J.K. Simmons who screamed “I promise to rid the world of every instance of Murder of a Cat!”
Bum Ba Da Bum Ba Dum!
Knowing he was covered by insurance only he could buy, the tuba player in the United States Army Band attempted to blow out the flames with elephantine fury but farted instead and spontaneously combusted.
Gronk, an apparent conscientious objector, hopped into his car but couldn’t escape because the engine was gummed up with uninsured curly cheese fries.
Limu Emu went to war with AFLAC Duck. Limu bit AFLAC in the ass. AFLAC leaped onto the grill only to be doused in orange glaze sauce by Coach Saban, who thereafter forked the duck to death!
Limu’s mascot, Doug, was obliterated by an uninsured sheep tossed from a plane for not giving her owner enough emotional support.
Jealous that Limu has higher TV ratings, Jake from State Farm ordered Aaron Rogers to murder the bird with a 100 mph spiral of a starving dingo!
GEICO Gecko had a nervous breakdown and shit the pool. Nobody noticed until a Nationwide jazz singer rendered her version of Sarah Silverman’s Doody Song.
General Insurance called Shaquille O’Neal, its claims adjuster. Shaq dropped in by helicopter with his two white tigers, Burger King meal, AriZona Cream Soda, and Icy Hot patches. The uninsured tigers ran to Vegas to go medieval on every fan of Siegfried and Roy and the Mirage Hotel.
When the police arrived, Shaq, fancying himself the “Top” Cop, shot the Sheriff (but he did not shoot the deputy [sorry]).
After the flames turned to embers, Fire Marshall Bill discovered Jamie and the other pissed-off and underpaid Progressive actors roasting Flo like smores at a campfire!
As the place burned to rubble, Ramon and I grabbed the ice chest filled with beer and walked home. ¡Espectacular!
Postscript: The insurance companies denied all claims of those injured or killed. Each policy contained a microscopically printed exclusion for all harm suffered by marginal actors, CGI animals, sports stars, and cartoon characters, participating in assclown TV commercials for insurance. (The “Not in Good Hands” clause.)
Bummer Ba Da Bum Bummer Ba Dumb!