Maybe You Should Stop Trying so Hard

Detachment is the real secret to freedom

Have you ever been around someone who’s clingy?

It’s exhausting.

Clinginess is about control. People who can’t let go of getting a specific outcome become clingy and overbearing. In their obsession to get a specific outcome, they drive away the thing they want.

Maybe you’re not clingy in your relationships — that’s good. But how comfortable are you detaching from outcomes? Most of us, myself included, struggle not to coerce or force the outcomes we want in life.

There is such a thing as trying too hard. Strangely, the harder you try to force an outcome, the less likely you are to get it.

I’ve learned that detaching from outcomes means changing how I talk to myself about what’s happening. I haven’t mastered the art of detachment, but here are a few everyday strategies I’ve found useful.

Take Effortless Action

Every influencer and talking head on the internet tells you the only way to find meaning and purpose is to hustle and grind every day.

Know what happens when you grind something? It turns to dust.

I’m fascinated by the Taoist concept of wu wei. It literally translates to non-action or effortless action. And while it looks like an oxymoron, the best way to describe it is to think about water.

Given enough time, flowing water can erode stone. All water has to do is flow downriver like it naturally does. No need to smash against the rock, or even push against it. By flowing naturally, it can wear away any obstacle in its path.

How much time have you wasted trying to force something that clearly wasn’t working? Instead, what if you put more effort into something that’s already showing promise?

We want to believe we can control outcomes, but we can’t. That’s easy to say, but are you living it?

Wu wei doesn’t mean you just “go with the flow” and never try to achieve anything. It means pouring energy into something that’s already working, upping your chances of success.

Drop Your Labels

We have a nasty habit of labeling things as “good” or “bad” before we see how they play out. It’s a shame, because sometimes what we think is bad actually ends up being good.

There’s an ancient Taoist story abut a farmer whose horse ran away. His neighbors pitied his misfortune until the horse returned some time later with six others.

Now rich in horses, the farmer’s son was out riding one day. But he fell and broke his leg, and again, the neighbors pitied the farmer’s misfortune.

A year later, the country went to war against invaders and many of the farmer’s friends and neighbors were killed. But the son, who’d broken his leg, lived because he didn’t go to war.

Bad luck brings good luck.

The same is true for you. You don’t know how a breakup, job loss, or failure might end up being to your advantage.

Only time will tell.

Accept Reality As-Is

The ability to accept life as it comes is a superpower.

Nietzsche called it amor fati, or love of one’s fate. He called it a “formula for greatness.” It means accepting life as-is and working with it, not complaining about how you wish life was.

So much unhappiness comes from fighting against life.

This isn’t an excuse to be a victim of life — it means recognizing what you can and can’t change. That’s difficult because admitting something is beyond your control is a punch to your ego.

Even if things don’t turn out how you want, you accept it and work within the constraints of your circumstances.

Got passed over for the job you wanted? You could complain about it and wallow in self-pity. Or, you could say: “This isn’t fair, but I’ll use the job I have to find a better one.”

It’s easier to swim with the tide than against it.

It’s Not Forever

As humans, our vision is severely limited. We get trapped in thinking bad times will last forever, and good times will never end. It makes us unhappy (in bad times) and makes change scary and difficult (in good times).

There’s a Persian fable about a sultan who asked a sage to give him a statement that would be true in good times and bad.

The sage gave him an inscription that read: This too shall pass.

It’s a simple but powerful adage. Whether your current circumstances are good or bad, they’re impermanent. Nothing lasts forever.

When your business fails, this too shall pass.

When you’re spending quality time with people you love, this too shall pass.

It’s sobering, isn’t it? But it’s a reminder not to let your current circumstances, good or bad, lull you into despair or apathy.

This too shall pass.

Detachment is a Superpower

Learning to detach from specific outcomes is a powerful path to happiness.

Is it easy to detach? No. We usually have a preconceived idea of how we want our plans, life, or relationships to go. We think a specific outcome will make us happy.

But detaching means this outcome — win or lose — has no bearing on what you’ve committed to doing or being.

When you let go of needing a specific outcome, you open yourself up to other ways to get what you want. When a new opportunity comes, you’re open to it because you aren’t trying to force things to happen a certain way.

The very best things in life don’t require you to force them.

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