Photo Stories

Maybe I’m Not as Ugly and Awkward as I Thought I Was

On learning to love yourself through self-portrait and embracing the unique

The apex of awkwardness, for some of us, happens when we start going to school. It was for me. I was just perfectly fine before that. Hanging out on the farm with my brothers, making mud pies in the summer, and building snow forts in the winter. Who knew anything about awkward then? Who cared? The cows didn’t care and neither did the chickens, lambs, or even the turkeys.

None of our neighbors or hired hands on the farm cared either. It was only having to head off to school that changed everything.

I still remember my first day of kindergarten, eying all those other kids suspiciously. Who were all these jokers? Ok, I didn’t know that word yet back then, but it’s still a great word for what I was feeling but couldn’t fully describe yet.

One kid in particular was screaming and crying his head off as his mother left him that first day. I mean he was really throwing a fit. Squirming and kicking about. Begging his mother not to leave him. He just wouldn’t stop.

I had a lot of respect and admiration for that kid. He had the courage and guts, or perhaps he was just wonderfully naive as yet of the stifling confines of social etiquette, to let out verbally what we were all feeling.

What in the world am I doing here? Are they really going to leave me here and toss me to the wolves like this? What the heck did I do to deserve school?

However, much unlike that kid who screamed his head off, having observed sabbath services every Saturday since I was born, I had already been well conditioned, also known as brainwashed, to just shut up and take it. Oh yes, I was a square peg that was already being pounded into that round hole.

However, when it came to both church and school, I never fully did become that round peg.

What I’m convinced of now is that public school shouldn’t happen to any otherwise happy but potentially awkward kid. It completely ruined my life, when I really stop to think on it. That place where we’re supposed to learn, grow, and prepare for the world can also be a torture chamber for ‘awkward’ kids like me if we are not given the proper tools to navigate all the intense social pressures, which a lot of us aren’t.

Problem is, I thought I was awkward too, maybe because they told me so, or maybe because I projected awkwardness sans any kind of confidence and they could smell that from a mile away. One hideous disgusting cycle that led to a lot of bullying and self-hatred on my part.

It didn’t help that we belonged to a religion that went completely counter to the culture surrounding us. I mean, if my parents wanted to celebrate the sabbath and forbid us to celebrate Christmas or any other traditional Christian holiday or even our own birthdays, why didn’t they move us to New Jersey, New York, or Boston, where there are plenty of sabbath observers and subversives to hang out with. Why did we have to live in the land of all milk and no honey?

Anyway, since I’d been conditioned to just ‘turn the other cheek’ and take it, I did just go ahead and let all those other kids make me feel awkward and like I didn’t belong. I accepted it and didn’t know how to stand up for myself.

Oh how I wish I could zoom back in a shiny red Corvette time machine and tell myself not to listen to them and teach myself to be strong and confident.

Feeling awkward, and like you do not belong, can eventually lead to feelings of being ugly, stupid, and unlovable. And these are not good feelings to have at all.

By the way, I love that so many people are choosing to homeschool their children these days. It would have been a great option for me and my two older brothers.

I used to hate taking photos or videos of myself, but I’ve started to change that. And what I’ve discovered is that I’m not so ugly, awkward, and hideous as I once thought I was. Just because other people may make us feel that way doesn’t mean we have to accept it. We can reject their judgment of us.

We all have our own beauty, no matter who we are. I believe a lot of us writers share the trait of not always wanting to be seen in a more physical sense, but rather listened to without being judged by how we look. The reasons are many and varied, but I do know that many others were bullied or made to feel like they do not belong for whatever reason… or that they were awkward, ugly, or anything else negative.

It’s time to get rid of those feelings and learn to love ourselves, just as we are. A winning combination of confidence and humility can go a long way.

“You are beautiful no matter what they say Words can’t bring you down, oh no” —Christina Aguilera — Beautiful

I enjoyed reading this write-up from the Today Show, which implores us to ask ourselves why we are feeling awkward and what to do about it. Most all of us feel it from time to time so why do we think of awkwardness as something that needs to keep us separated from one another?

I suppose this is just how we erroneously twist things up in our own minds.

“In a way, these little moments become opportunities for remembering how connected you are to other people. Initially, they seem really isolating, but they don’t have to be.” — How to embrace your awkwardness and feel better (today.com)

As the piece further points out, feeling awkward may be a way of pointing out things we may need to improve in our lives. For instance, when I’ve seen myself in videos I’ve often had this shifty eye and bobbing head thing going on and I think, why am I doing that? It looks so ridiculous and like I’m not paying attention to the person in front of me. So, I’ve tried to stop doing that, not only in the videos but when I’m talking to people face to face.

Additionally, there is something called “the spotlight” effect, where we mistakenly think people are paying attention to everything we do when they actually aren’t. Hmm, ego check anyone?

Overall, we need to learn to have compassion for one another and ourselves and embrace each other’s weirdness, awkwardness, and otherwise harmless social faux pas.

Growing up in a cult-like church didn’t make me weird — ok, what if it really did — it also made me wonderfully unique. It equipped me with a lot of empathy and compassion. Being bullied in school does not need to stick with me for the rest of my life. Why am I letting all those silly other kids have an effect on me all these years later?

“I am beautiful no matter what they say Words can’t bring me down…”

What is your take on this subject? Have you ever felt weird or awkward? What did you do about it? How did you handle it? Would love to know.

This has been a response to the April challenge here on In Living Color, presented to us by Melissa Rock:

Celebrate yourself with a story that includes your selfie, self-portrait, or faceless self-portrait.