Maybe Her Winker Is Wonky
How Mindfulness Ended My Road Rage
I tried to run someone off the road and kill them. It wasn’t my best day.
I don’t remember what started it. I think the lady might have cut me off in traffic or she didn’t use her turn signal properly. Then, she was driving too slowly and blocking my teenage need for speed. I was “forced” to follow her all the way to the next town on a narrow two lane blacktop. So of course I rode her bumper like a bounty hunter chasing his quarry.
My younger cousin Brian was in the shotgun seat. He was nervous. I could tell because he had white knuckle eyes. But I was angry, and I kept following that blue car way too close.
It was my first ride, an old Chrysler Newport boat. It was brown, extra long and took up a lot of space.
We were coming up on a major intersection. I was planning to take the cloverleaf turn onto a four lane freeway and get away from this road blocking loser. But suddenly the girl in front had enough of my stupid driving. She slammed on her brakes and we almost crashed into her. I managed to pull around her at the last second, and then we headed around the curve to get to the freeway.
The girl followed, ready for more battle.
Her car had more jam than mine. She pulled up beside me in the other lane. Traffic was light — there weren’t any other cars near us. She was right beside us on the left side, dark hair, dark eyes, screaming at me. She swerved toward me in her little blue war wagon.
I was about to swerve back and side swipe her. I had a car twice the size of her small import. There would be no contest between her light coupe and my huge American beast. She was going down.
I glanced over at Brian’s face and saw total terror.
This was the moment that I came to my senses, took my foot off the gas and dropped back out of the fight. I let that girl drive away, and none of us died on a freeway for absolutely no reason.
It was only the first incident where I let my emotions run the show on the highway. I ended up in a lot of stupid altercations before I changed my ways.
Road Rage is Dangerous
Everyone knows that driving can be infuriating. The other guy cuts you off. Or maybe he didn’t use his turn signal. Or he passed you and then slowed down.
Or you come up behind someone driving slowly in the fast lane, obliviously blocking your way through. When you finally get around them you can see them staring at their lap, obviously looking at their phone instead of even being aware you exist.
It comes down to feeling disrespected. That other driver dared to cut you off because you are less important to him or her.
They didn’t bother to use their signal light because they don’t care if you are inconvenienced or put in danger.
Their phone is more important than your safety.
But it doesn’t become road rage until you take action. You feel like they made a terrible mistake by not showing you that all important respect. Whenever I went off the rails and fought back against a “bad” driver, I needed to show them that I wan’t someone to mess with. Who do they think they are? They thought they were so much more important than me!
Me, me, me. All about me, not thinking about anyone else. That includes any unlucky passengers or drivers that had nothing to do with it.
Locked up inside my own head, I couldn’t see things from anyone else’ point of view. And that made me dangerous, because I’m the kind of guy who takes action.
Road Ragers Don’t Have Their Empathy Turned On
When you feel that burning anger and see red, the last thing on your mind is considering why that other driver is acting the way they do. They aren’t even human to you. They are an other.
Why did that jerk cut you off? Is it because he actually thinks you’re a worthless excuse for a human? Did he single you out just to ruin your day? Unlikely. From his point of view, you were just another car slowing him down on his way to the important stuff, his life. You aren’t even a consideration.
Did that lady just change lanes without using her turn signal because she looks down on you as a lower life form? Probably not. Maybe she is preoccupied by music, or thinking about her work deadline.
Is that dude looking down at his phone consciously deciding to put everyone at risk? It’s really unlikely that he weighed the pros and cons. He’s either addicted to his device, or just moping through life without thinking about it much.
Road Rage is Your Mind Playing Out Unconscious Programming
When I used to see red and get angry in traffic, I was on autopilot. There wasn’t any decision making ability. I saw a problem and I reacted with prejudice, immediately. I was unpredictable and took huge risks with my life, my passenger’s lives and of course everyone else on the road near me.
Making high speed moves with tons of steel hurtling down the road at 60 miles per hour or more is a big risk. And when you act unpredictably in traffic, it can cause other people to make mistakes too. What if they panic and veer left instead of right? Head on collisions can happen when people make bad snap decisions.
I Learned To Use Breath To Stop My Anger
I had quite a few bad days out there on the road. Eventually I realized I had a problem and decided I needed to do something about it. Since I was reading lots of books on self hypnotism and meditation, I borrowed an exercise from one of the books. It was originally designed to help deal with stressful situations at work. I wrote it on a piece of paper to take in the car.
The exercise didn’t work every time, because at first I didn’t remember to use it. But after the couple weeks I started to make it a part of my life. I practiced using it every time I noticed the paper sitting there on the dash.
Gradually my temper calmed down and I could still think when I was under pressure on the road. It’s been a few decades and I still use this technique. It has been a life saver, maybe literally.
Every once in a while, things get out of control for a minute or two. I might see red when some jack-wagon is disrespecting all the other drivers and cutting people off. Usually I manage to not respond with my own silliness, and remember to breathe.
Super Complicated Mindfulness Road Trick
Try this next time you are in a vehicle and things are getting stressful out there.
Important Safety Note: Do not take your eyes off the road! If you think this exercise will distract you in any way from making safe driving decisions and from being able to stay in control of your vehicle, then DO NOT use it!
Take in a deep breath and then let it out. Say “1”. It works best if you can count out loud, but you might be with other people and not want to explain what you’re doing. In your head is fine too.
Take in another breath and let it out. Count “2”.
Another breath in and then out. Say “3”.
Okay, another breath in and out, then Count “4”.
Do this until you reach 10 breaths. I told you this was going to be super complicated!
Now, time for two questions you can ask yourself.
The First Question Is “Will this matter next week?”
Does this jack-wagon that just cut you off matter so much to you? Will you have to deal with him in an hour? If the answer is no, then why would you risk lives for something that won’t matter to you in an hour? And the answer is that you shouldn’t.
If some slow loser is going half the speed limit and blocking everyone behind him, it’s a big aggravation to be sure. But will this wreck next week for you? Doubtful. So is it reasonable to suicide pass ten cars and nearly get in a head on collision in order to save 10 minutes? No.
But if you cause an accident and hurt someone because you got angry over something as silly as an inconvenience on the road, will it matter to you next week? You bet it will, because your insurance will go up, you might need to replace your car, and maybe someone will be in the hospital or dead. The consequences from doing something stupid could last your entire lifetime.
Or you could just calm down, slow down and drive away safely.
The Second Question Is “What reasons could there be for his/ her actions?”
I like to go big and crazy on this one. There could be all kinds of nearly justifiable motivations behind crazy driving that I would have no way of knowing.
I imagine that maybe this guy just found out someone is in the hospital and he’s in a big rush to get there before they die. Maybe he made a million dollar bet he could get to the city limits before his arch enemy Bobby and he’s still in the lead.
And the ultimate crazy reason for that dude’s shitty driving? A Terminator from the future is tracking him down. Someday, if he survives, he will be the leader of the human resistance. And if I get in his way, it will lead to his death. My stupid driving could result in nuclear armageddon.
Does She Have a Wonky Winker?
If a lady forgot to turn on her turn signal, I think “Maybe her winker is wonky.” It’s silly enough that I forget to be very mad at her. She can’t help it if her winker went wonky, can she?
If someone else is raging and I get tempted to use anger to fight back, I try to think about that guy’s day and have some empathy for why he’s like this right now. What if he just lost his job? What if his dog passed away yesterday and he doesn’t know how he can go on without his Fluffy waiting for him on the porch at home?
I don’t know this guy’s life. Maybe he has a right to be angry today.
It Pays To Take A Few Moments And Breathe
Between breathing and giving myself some space, and then thinking about my two questions, I short circuit my fight or flight responses. Instead of reacting to someone else when they drive poorly, I’m more likely to stay calm and safe.
But the biggest benefit to this is I don’t get all bent out of shape emotionally. Their driving habits can’t wreck my entire day, because I can see how it really isn’t my problem at all. It sets me free from their silliness. I don’t have to have my week ruined because I didn’t drive down that dirty little side street of rage.
Do you have moments in traffic where you want to rip someone’s head off? Why not give this mindfulness exercise a try? It’s simple, only 10 deep breaths and 2 questions. It takes a lot less out of you than rage. And it can lead you to wonder if maybe their winker is wonky.
It could save a life.