Maybe Forgiveness is About the Other Person, Too
Many motivational public figures, including Oprah Winfrey, have stated that forgiveness is a gift you give yourself; it is not about the other person. Buddha said, “Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.”
For the most part, I agree with the aforementioned information. I believe that choosing to forgive is for yourself, but I don’t believe the act of forgiveness mutually excludes you and the offender.
You can easily say, “I forgive
For example, I have a cousin who was very rude and inconsiderate regarding a tragic situation in my life. Whenever I think of her, I get agitated. It occurred to me this morning that I need to forgive her and let it go.
In my thought process, I was reminded of information a family member recently provided me, regarding my cousin’s spouse. Let’s just say it is not a good look. As I am aware, the way people treat me is more about their character than it is mine. When people mistreat me, especially when I go to them for guidance as I did my cousin, it is a signal to me that something is wrong in their life. Now, I know that in the case of my cousin, it was the misbehavior of her spouse and all the trouble he was causing.
So, in my act of forgiving my cousin, I reflect on what must have been, and may still be, troubling her.
In forgiving her, I forgive her for taking her frustrations out on me, realizing she probably had nowhere else to divert that energy in fear of repercussions.
In forgiving her, I forgive her spouse for his wrongdoings that may have added stress to my cousin’s life.
In forgiving her, I forgive all the experiences she faced growing up as an outcast and being bullied, such that now she feels empowered to bully and be a “mean girl.”
And then, I pray for her to overcome those challenges, forgive herself, and receive God’s forgiveness.
As the picture for this article indicates, “make grace your space.” Give people grace for their mistakes and issues of life.
As you can see, you and your offender do not have to be mutually exclusive in the forgiveness process. In doing so, you take the blame off the person — the vulnerable human — and put it on the circumstances they could not control that led to the mood, temperament, or personality trait that caused their offensive behavior.
Now, when I think of my cousin, I will do so from an empathetic and gracious space rather than a place of agitation. Now, it doesn’t mean I will have much of a relationship with her — if at all — but her past behavior no longer takes me out of my peaceful state. I see her for the flawed, hurt person she is and offer compassion, forgiveness, and prayer…from afar.
So, I open the gift of forgiveness for myself and realize that it is so grand, I can gift the offender. Now, that’s great re-gifting!
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