avatarKim McKinney

Summary

Kim McKinney reflects on her approach to relationships, embracing her role as the common denominator in her romantic life, and discusses her preferences and standards for partnership.

Abstract

Kim McKinney is a Baby Boomer who has typically been the one to end her romantic relationships when she sees a lack of long-term potential, preferring to part ways amicably. She values a partnership over traditional gender roles and seeks a relationship where both individuals are better together than apart. Kim is an introvert with extroverted tendencies, enjoys traveling, and desires a companion who shares her adventurous spirit without the need for a rigid itinerary. She has come to terms with being the common denominator in her relationships, recognizing that her friendships and family relationships are strong, and she receives positive affirmation from her male friends. Kim acknowledges that while she hasn't found lasting romantic love, she is content with her life and open to the possibility of a meaningful relationship in her golden years, though she is also prepared to remain single if necessary.

Opinions

  • Kim is not afraid to end relationships early to avoid future drama or misery.
  • She prefers a partnership where duties are shared without adherence to traditional gender roles.
  • Kim values the ability to handle unexpected travel mishaps as a reflection of one's ability to cope with life's emergencies.
  • She is introspective and sometimes misunderstood by others when she becomes quiet and withdrawn.
  • Kim does not view being the common denominator in her relationships as a negative trait, as it has led to mostly positive outcomes in her life.
  • She believes in being oneself and not conforming to societal expectations of relationships.
  • Kim is hopeful for a future relationship but is also realistic about her compatibility with potential partners.
  • She considers herself a poor caregiver, which may influence her approach to relationships as she ages.
  • Kim is content with her life, with or without a romantic partner, and does not see being alone as the worst outcome.

Maybe Being The Common Denominator In Your Relationships Is A Good Thing

Why do we always assume it to be bad?

Photo by JD Mason on Unsplash

I am typically the instigator in ending most of my romantic relationships. When I see there’s not long term potential, I want to end it before it gets messy and when we’re still at the stage where it ends kindly.

There are always armchair psychologists who want to get me to delve deeper into why my relationships don’t last. Often these people have a personal history of many messy relationships, yet they feel as though I am running away from the joy of experiencing the same.

They think my running away from bad (or lackluster) relationships is worse than staying in relationships that seem miserable to me.

Some people love that messy part of relationships, but I’m not one of them. I have a low tolerance for drama. I have dated mostly good, kind men, but when I detect we are not compatible for the long term I end it before all the good goes away.

I want a relationship where we are better together than we are apart. I have no long list of demands and am not high maintenance.

I’m not afraid of normal human relationship-messy. Love is often a bit messy, but it’s a good kind of messy. It’s the dramatic or miserable kind of messy I want to avoid.

I look around at the lives of most of my friends, but even most of those in happy relationships aren’t in the kind of relationships I want.

I’m a Baby Boomer who is not a fan of traditional relationships for myself. I am not against them for other people. They often work beautifully. They don’t work for me.

I want more of a partnership. I don’t like duties split along gender lines. I enjoy working together to get things done.

But even that’s a bit off. I was raised by traditional parents. I am not good at fixing things around my house. The men in my life usually have been. In fact, the ability to fix things is very attractive to me. I’m not above letting them do their thing while I watch and swoon.

Likewise, if I can do something they dislike or don’t see as a strength, I don’t mind doing it. Sit for an hour when new tires are put on your car? Call about your car insurance or handle your benefits open enrollment? Sure. I can do it.

Traveling is my passion, so someone who enjoys travel is important to me. I don’t want just anyone who says they like to travel, but mean they want the same vacation year after year.

I want someone who is an explorer, not afraid to sometimes be uncomfortable for the sake of adventure. I want someone who doesn’t need a rigid itinerary. Who, instead of being intent on hitting the list of the top ten tourist spots, wants to wander and experience the culture of the people who live there.

I also need a relaxed traveler. Things happen when you travel. Flights get canceled, luggage lost, cell phones are misplaced. It can ruin your vacation, or you can resolve to enjoy your time anyway.

This quality also translates well. If you handle travel emergencies well, you usually handle life emergencies well. I love a relaxed traveler in life.

I’m an introvert who often acts like an extrovert. It’s difficult for some people to cope with that dichotomy. I don’t need to be alone to slip into my shell. There can be chaos around me, and I won’t notice — the hyperfocus superpower of someone with ADHD.

When someone often chatty gets quiet for long periods of time, others sometimes see it as a sign they are angry with them.

“Are you mad at me?”

“No.”

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing.”

“You’re acting as though you’re mad at me.”

No, I’m just thinking. You were nowhere near my mind. I’m only mad now because you wouldn't let me have quiet for a few minutes!

A few “sages” have decided to give me a “talking-to.” They start putting my relationships on parade and make that profound statement, “the common denominator in all your relationships is you.” (Insert my eye roll here.)

Well, that certainly is true.

It used to make me feel insecure about myself. It’s difficult not to when so many judge your love life.

Then I realized something. My relationships with friends and family are fantastic. Even my dating relationships have been better than most.

No, I have never married, and romantic relationships haven’t lasted long with me, but neither have I ever had a messy divorce or hated someone after we broke up. I haven’t had one relationship end that shouldn’t have ended or that ended with a lot of drama.

Maybe being that common denominator isn’t so bad. It works for me.

I get great male attention. I have brothers, a brother-in-law, nephews, and many long-term male friends who love me well and tell me any man would be lucky to have me. Yes, they exaggerate, but it makes me smile, and I prefer to believe them. Everyone should have this type of person in their life.

In return, I usually tell them their partner is a saint. I keep my people humble.

I’m not easy. I don’t fit in boxes well. In some ways my mindset is thought of as traditionally male — I run by logic (thanks, Dad).

But then there is the other side that is traditionally female. I am the nurturer of all (if that nurturer is the type that kicks your butt and makes you be your best) and I feel the problems and the triumphs of others strongly.

I’m a dreamer and a romantic, to the point that I may sometimes be unrealistic. Yes, I want Prince Charming, but not the fairy tale Prince Charming. I like a few flaws and I don’t need someone to rescue me often – though I can also resume them when needed. I’m not looking for perfect. Just right. And fun.

Maybe there is a reason that I have not found lasting love, but perhaps that reason isn’t that there is something terribly wrong with me or anyone I have dated.

I know there aren’t many people I could be with in a long-term relationship, and then you must remove those who could also survive me.

The men in that small pool of potential and I haven’t found each other yet. Or perhaps we are better in the world as individuals than we would be together and will never connect.

I am still holding out hope for my golden years. I’d love the security of a loving relationship, someone to join me for travel and adventures, and a partner as we try to outrun the deterioration of our bodies.

Then again, I am a crappy caregiver. Maybe the golden years are not the time.

But whatever happens, my life will be good. So far, it has been, and I have no intention of changing that for anyone.

Alone is not the worst thing that can happen to a person. Great romantic love is not a gift bestowed upon us because we have gotten closer to perfection. Sometimes it’s dumb luck or a huge blessing. Sometimes it may even be a curse.

The common denominator in all of our lives is ourselves. We are the only person we control, the only one we can change.

Overall I am pleased with the person I have become and the one I am becoming.

I will no longer consider me being the common denominator in all my relationships to be an insult. Even if “they” mean it to be.

Kim McKinney loves stories and people. She is blessed to be surrounded by a cheering section who enjoy her just the way she is. She appreciates them and tries to love them well.

Relationships
Self
Nonfiction
Lifestyle
Life Lessons
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