POLITICAL DIGEST

Mauled and Eaten, Zebra Calls Lion Victory “Rigged,” Refuses to Concede

We are not brunch!

Far-right favorite Kandiss Taylor received just 3.4 percent of the vote in Georgia’s GOP primary for governor, less than one-twentieth of current Gov. Brian Kemp’s 73.7 percent of the vote. But that isn’t stopping Taylor from refusing to concede and claiming the election was “rigged.” -The Daily Beast

Statement from Kandiss Taylor Zebra.

“Citizens of the Savanna, many of you witnessed my contest with Lion Kemp and assumed I had been hunted, mauled, and swallowed in bloody, bite-size chunks. That, followed by the circling of vultures, rarely signals victory.

But know this: even though I am currently being reduced to simple starches and sugars in the lower intestinal tract of a corrupt, election-stealing lion, I am still fighting.

Savanna, I will not concede.

Like our rightful leader, TFG the Hyena, I am the victim of a rigged election.

Given that I have 20,000 volunteers, I do not trust these results, and neither should any ungulates engaged in life and death showdowns with self-appointed “kings of the jungle.”

It is my opinion that dominance in the savanna has become a travesty spearheaded by a corrupt, organized, pride led by Lion Kemp, Lion Raffensperger, Lion Chris Carr, and especially Cheetah Stacey Abrams.

Prior to this “outcome,” my grass roots popularity was skyrocketing among not just hardcore zebras, but also aardvarks, termites, meerkats, and even some RINOs.

At huge rallies under the baobab, they embraced my slogan “Jesus Guns Babies” and cheered my promise to stand up to the “Luciferian Cabal.” That excitement, coupled with the undying support of TFG the Hyena, makes my current situation both inconceivable and unacceptable. Even I, whose eyes have been liquified by leonine gastric acids, can see that.

But don’t take it from me. Take it from my colleague Lauren Witzke Zebra who said, “After seeing the energy and enthusiasm first-hand for Kandiss Taylor Zebra, the numbers obviously do not add up. I was devoured by lions last year, so I know exactly how frustrating a coordinated mauling can be.”

Trust the unimpeachable Mike Windell the MyPillow Wildebeest when he says, “Lion Kemp, he did not get 70 some percent of the vote. The savanna was completely cheated. There is an algorithm in this place that leads to God-fearing conservative zebras like KTZ winding up in the bellies of alpha predators. It’s all a big lie!”

Friends, we will not be replaced. We will not break down.

We will not supply empty carbs for Big Cats and their rapacious media cubs.

And while it is true that today I am in as dark a place as I have ever been, Kandiss Taylor Zebra does not concede.

Savanna, I’ll make you this promise: someday soon, I’m going to come out the other end of this thing, and I’ll hit the ground steaming.

Don’t Tread on Me.

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Roars for Andrew Rodwin

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