MasterClass for Baby Adulterers

40 Essential Tips on How Not to Cheat

OPSEC SHMOPSEC.

What’s OPSEC, you ask??

How we cover up all our wrongdoing. It’s the super shady shit.

It’s what everyone hates about adulterers. We lie, we cheat, we betray, and we share tips! This is a list for beginners — baby adulterers if you will.

40 Essential Tips on How Not to Cheat:

1. Forget “working on our marriage,” and “caring about us.” Ding ding! Something is up. Likely your dick. Make sure you “check out” mentally, so it’s obvious you are on the prowl.
2. Stop wearing your wedding ring. Dumb ass. Wear it or don’t, but make the transition obvious. Make sure you let that ring finger be a beacon. A tan line? Indentation?
3. Use a burner phone. Leave this strange new device, unattended. “What’s this?” your spouse will ask. Make sure it’s unlocked for extra fun.
4. Don’t lock your phone down like the Federal Reserve. Let your kid, spouse, friend, and whoever be witnesses to your idiocy. “Can I see your phone?” “Sure, no problem,” as you hand it over.
5. Put on all notifications. On your home screen. Plainly visible. On your unlocked device. Cue the popcorn emoji.
6. Don’t use “secret” messaging apps like Kik, Signal, Telegram, WhatsApp, and Snapchat. Use Facebook or regular texting. Your affair is sure to stay a secret!
7. Or, better yet, CALL each other at home with your landlines.
8. Use your regular phone number to set up secret accounts. That won’t backfire, I promise.
9. Don’t lock your secret apps. Your spouse glances at your unlocked phone and wonders, “What’s Kik?” Voila!
10. Use your regular or work email (even better) to get illicit apps. The IT department is going to love you!
11. Use your iPhone! Apple is excellent for affairing — just kidding. You are fucked. And not in the way you want.
12. Don’t use Android. Those hidden folder features are useless!
13. Leave hotel plastic keys in your wallet. Red Roof or Motel 6 is not a pit stop for ordinary folk. “I don’t know how that got there” is the right answer.
14. Use your family credit card for those excursions. The money trail will be a red arrow straight to your genitals. “What charge? Must be a mistake, honey!”
15. Keep your “sex bag” somewhere visible. With dildo’s, handcuffs, lube, and lingerie, and whatever else your sick desires can dream up. You try explaining that shit in a dead bedroom or to a vanilla spouse.
16. Fuck in cars. You are so horny, and you can’t wait.
17. Don’t answer calls when you are doing the deed. Your cell rings during the crescendo — and you ignore it. “Dammit! What the fuck does my significant other want now?” Make sure you get multiple texts that you ignore. “Where are u?” and “???” are no big deal.
18. Use your house or apartment. Use their home or apartment. It should be a no brainer — much cheaper than hotels.
19. Make sure location sharing is on. Don’t clear your search history often. Ignore Google and its Big Brother minion.
20. Make sure Bluetooth features are on in your car for any “vice” related items. Your kids in the backseat get quite an earful. “Who’s that, mommy?”
21. Fuck in your work/friend/family zone. Like sucking off your best friend’s husband at a party— such a good idea! Or fucking your boss! A classic.
22. Connect on social media. You need to see his “happy life” pictures or her “I’m so blessed” drivel. It will make you feel so good inside.
23. Get a makeover! And a new wardrobe while you are at it! NOT a dead giveaway.
24. Buy sexy lingerie. Have the crotchless panties and shelf bra sent by your Amazon account to your house. Sure not to cause suspicion!
25. Wash your sex stained privates with the family load of whites! Hmmm. What’s this lacy pink number doing with the generic cotton panties?
26. Speaking of private bits — start sudden manscaping or Brazilian waxing where there was a bush before. Your spouse should see you naked and be surprised!
27. Come home reeking of pussy or dick. Don’t do a “ho bath” with wipes at the bare minimum.
28. Make certain strands of hair that don’t match your family are on your clothing or in your car.
29. Accept “gifts.” Especially ones that are impossible to hide like expensive jewelry with engraving.
30. Be nicer at home! Your usual miserable self is nowhere to be found.
31. Smile secretly at your phone. Cling to it like Magneto. That sucker is going to the bathroom with you and everywhere else! Maybe, Clorox wipe it occasionally?
32. Lie horribly — fidget, look at your feet, hem and haw, and over-explain. You need MasterClass for acting. Badly. Maybe Natalie can teach you something.
33. Tell all your friends about your indiscretions. Get drunk and tell all the buddies at the bar. Tell your neighbors, your coworkers. Tell everyone to assuage your guilt. That won’t come back to bite you.
34. Keep emails. And definitely, texts. The more sexual, the better.
35. Keep ALL nudes. Or, better yet, amateur porn that you made with your affair partner.
36. Make sure all tattoos and identifiable features are fully visible in the aforementioned porn video. Oh, and upload to the world wide web!
37. Don’t delete anything.
38. Don’t empty the trash.
39. Don’t check if the trash emptied.
40. Don’t have a backup email on a throwaway account in case it all goes to shit. Which it will. Sooner rather than later.

Too much for you? Aw, that’s rough. Adultery ain’t for sissies. Only the strongest survive in this harsh a landscape, or the most underhanded.

You, baby adulterers, are fresh into the wilds of cheating, scared and unsure of yourselves. You guys are raw meat — ripe for the killing. I’ll eat you for lunch with some fava beans and a nice Chianti after I watch Gordon Ramsay.

We’ll move on to MasterClass for wannabe sociopaths in our next lesson…

That one should be easy!

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