Master Your Relationship Identity
If you make deals with a devil, prepare for it to be hell
I can be as fun loving and free spirited as anyone, in pretty much every aspect. But make no mistake, when it comes to owning my actions and behaviors I’m very hardcore about it.
I don’t dance around when it comes to my ideals and what I want out of life. I embrace my identity and everything I’ve put into it thus far.
The same goes for any personal relationships I engage in. I take charge and answer to my part in each of them, taking full responsibility for what may or not may not come of them.
This is the biggest reason why I find it exhausting to be a spectator in relationships of others. It’s difficult to watch someone cling to false hopes, be strung along, and over-invest in relationships that they know deep down, don’t exist.
Something I have never been able to figure out is why heartbreak exists in situations where the other party is obviously detached. Why cling to someone who doesn’t want to be with you?
If the relationship was genuine from the start, I get it. It’s a totally different situation when two people loved each other enough to build a foundation for their lives together. Of course it’s heart wrenching to watch it fall apart over time. Both parties were invested in a partnership that wasn’t supposed to end.
The types of stories I’m really referring to are the ones where two strangers meet with high hopes of developing a meaningful relationship. As strangers, there should be no expectations between them in the beginning, but far too often this is not the case.
I can’t speak for everyone but having observed many women I know, it seems as though they foreshadow ten years into the future after a first encounter with a new man.
They’ve already arrived at the marriage, the children, the house, the dual income, and the perfect life — before a second date is even scheduled.
Foreshadowing can be fun but let’s be real here.
How is it possible to create idealistic scenarios centered around someone they didn’t even know yesterday? Women latch on so quickly to what they hope for that they fail to see what actually is.
Giving the benefit of the doubt is one thing. Of course we need to give each new opportunity a fair shot. But being blinded by fantasy, resulting in poor judgement is a whole other ball game.
I wish more women could be secure in their own identities before ever considering adding someone else to the mix. Without knowing themselves first, they are blind to all the indicators that a new guy could be an imposter.
Deal Breakers
Too often, after a train wreck of a short relationship crashes, women resort to sayings like,
“Highsight is 20/20”
“I should have seen the red flags.”
“He was such a fuck boy.”
Can we just STOP right here for a minute and take responsibility?
Any confident, self assured woman needs to realize that red flags aren’t even a thing. Deal breakers are. If you know your deal breakers before entering into any potential partnership, and hold true to them, no one can take you for a ride.
Ladies, surely you can spot a fuck boy before you end up in the unappealing position of posting memes about him on Facebook. If you ended up dealing with a fuck boy it could be because you had blinders on.
Don’t bend just because he has money, gives good dick, or says things that sound good to you in the moment. Don’t accept words as promises, demand action.
When I say I’ve mastered my own identity it means that I’ve set myself up properly to know exactly what I want. If I’m not receiving it, there’s no deal. Period. End of story.
If the result happens to be living an entire life of singledom because I have ideals, then so be it. Maybe my ex-husband was too good and set the bar too high for future men, but I’m not about to do the limbo and keep lowering the bar to accommodate a partner who falls short.
I’ve had a taste of the good life and I liked it, so it’s what I want.
If those seeking relationships were comfortable with who they are alone, all the game playing would have to cease. The games and the players couldn’t flourish if no one were willing to let it happen.
It’s not difficult to know what you want and stick to it. Admit it. Deep down you know you want love, security, respect, and a ride or die partner.
Then, why would you accept anything less just to have a relationship status? How can you wake up every day and roll over to less than what you want?
I couldn’t stomach the thought of going to bed that way every night, never mind waking up to it. Sharing space with someone who’s just a place holder is such a waste of time.
By accepting less than what a good partner should provide, we’re basically saying to them, “It’s okay, you can squeak through by being less. I’ll let you.”
Hello? Stop it!
I’m no relationship expert — heck, I’m over here engaging in all kinds of random sexual relationships. Part of the reason is because while I’m on the lookout for a man who can give me the four things I require — love, respect, security, and ride or die — I’m not depriving myself of immediate gratification.
I happen to like human contact but I’m able to differentiate between lust and reality.
We all have physical needs but we also need to be able to separate physical feelings from actual relationship goals.
I don’t for one minute think that a man who rocks my world in the bedroom will automatically be able to meet my deal breakers too. If he does, then great! I’ll take it.
But good sex isn’t the mark of a good man. If the rest of him can’t rise up as well as his dick does, then we don’t have a deal.
I’m not specifically calling out men here, I’m just writing from a woman’s perspective. But I am talking to everyone who speaks of the opposite sex as though they’re trashy game players.
It’s tiresome to witness scorned women play the blame game when we have full autonomy to choose wisely.
If we want to play we should play, but then we forfeit the right to hold it against the other person. Our behavior is our own responsibility.
Don’t hate the player, hate the game and stop allowing yourself to be played if you truly want a relationship. We can’t blame anyone else for unhappiness in a relationship if we chose to be there and continue to stay there.
It is our own job to set ourselves up for success.
