Master the Delicate Art of the Ego Stroke

Hand Lotion Can Work Wonders

Have you ever wanted something, but didn’t want to work to get it?

Yeah. Me too. Working sucks. F*ck working.

Well, since you feel the same way, I can let you in on a little secret. It’s really pretty simple.

There are only three things to know. Well, there are a few more, but I need to go get a massage — so I don’t have the time to hold your hand all day.

Here’s the short version:

1. People are self-absorbed egomaniacs.

If you’re like most people, this would really piss you off. It would make you want to jump on a high horse and ride that stallion into the self-righteous sunset.

But here’s the thing: It’s actually good that they’re self-absorbed. That makes them easier to manipulate. Just like a giant can of Play-Doh. Mushy, soft, flexible and uncomfortably moist.

If your hands are soft and your grip is tight, you can twist them into whatever you want.

All you need to do is let them talk about yourself and look like you’re listening. I usually do Kegels and open eye meditation. Just be sure to smile and nod every now and then so they think you’re engaged.

If they ask you what you think, you could just BS, but I’ve found there’s a better way. Tell them you were thinking about how good they would be as a ____.

Don’t look at me like that.

No, you fill in the blank. I’m not going to do all your f*cking homework.

You need to bring a little creativity to the party or this is never going to work.

Anyway, after a few more generic compliments like that, you’ll have drawn them in and lubed them up just right.

2. People always want what they can’t have

Now here’s the trick. Just when their eyes start to widen and their mouth starts to salivate in eager expectation of more compliments, this is where you pull out fast.

Cut and run. Make a bee line for the door and get the fuck out of dodge.

Tell them…tell them that your other friend (who’s famous) really needs you right now. They just got dumped and need your exceptional empathetic skill to help pick them up and put them back together.

Sigh. Hair flip. Strut out the door. And scene.

Magnifique! See what you did there? Now you made them jealous.

You’re working that Play-Doh just right with those limber little fingers.

They know you’re in high demand. They know that they’ll need to impress you to keep you by their side.

Now for the master stroke.

3. Play hard to get until…

Do you happen to be sadist?

No? Oh. What a shame. This would be more fun. Oh well.

So, odds are that you’ll be invited to a fancy event because, obviously, they want to impress you.

Dress expensive. Preferably velvet. Head to toe.

Now, you should be able to tell that they’re acting a little down. You’ve been withholding strokes now for a while, and they’ll be desperate for a quick caress.

Are you even listening to me? This is mission critical. I need your attention.

Okay. So, resist the urge to stroke at all cost. I insist you stay firm on this.

The longer you can hold out, the bigger rewards they’ll dangle.

Once they finally cave and cough up what you want, take your soft fingers and place them…damnit!

I’m late for my masseuse. We’ll finish up another time.

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