Marvel Studios: Every Movie “They” Don’t Want You To Watch

Iron Man seduces Spider-Man, Hawkeye takes aim as Dahmer, Star-Lord makes a crappy proposition, and unfortunately much more

We did it! Rabbit hole upon rabbit hole has revealed the strangest, weirdest, grossest movies the MCU’s biggest stars have ever made.

Unlocking the Vault of Weird

Paul Rudd: Scott Lang/Ant-Man

Clueless

Shallow, rich and socially successful Cher (Alicia Silverstone) is at the top of her Beverly Hills high school’s pecking scale. Seeing herself as a matchmaker, Cher first coaxes two teachers into dating each other. Emboldened by her success, she decides to give hopelessly klutzy new student Tai (Brittany Murphy) a makeover. When Tai becomes more popular than she is, Cher realizes that her disapproving ex-stepbrother (Paul Rudd) was right about how misguided she was — and falls for him. (Google Desc)

Paul Rudd falls for his (ex) stepsister in Clueless, stars as one more multi-verse version of Tommy Doyle in Halloween 6: the Curse of Michael Myers, and remains one of the best parts of an enduring cult classic in Wet Hot American Summer.

Chris Pratt: Peter Quill / Star-Lord (…who?)

Movie 43

Twelve directors, including Peter Farrelly, Griffin Dunne and Brett Ratner, contributed to this collection of outrageous spoofs and stories. A seemingly perfect man has an unusual blemish on his neck in “The Catch.” Superheroes attend a speed-dating event in “Robin’s Big Speed Date.” Two people on a blind date try to break the ice by playing “Truth or Dare.” Other stories include “iBabe,” “The Proposition,” “Beezel” and “Victory’s Glory.”

The film took over a decade to start production because most studios refused to make it. Many actors refused roles, while others actively tried to get out of the movie once they realized what it was. For a peek, here’s a bonus clip (YouTube) of Hugh Jackman/Wolverine that would make even Fox & Friends approve an orchiectomy.

James Gunn, recently promoted to head of DC films, said he blames Elizabeth Banks for this film getting made.

When the director approached George Clooney about playing himself in a sketch (the gag was that Clooney is bad at picking up women), Clooney told him “No fucking way.” (Wikipedia)

Also see Wanted for James McAvoy to swat Chris Pratt in the face with a keyboard, and then watch Passengers for…actually, don’t watch that last one.

Robert Downey Jr.: Tony Stark / Iron Man

Wonders Boys

A professor, suffering from writer’s block, tries to deal with the pressures of his complex love life and his troubled students’ assorted problems. Despite the encouragement of one of his admiring female pupils, the professor is obsessed with his current work. He finds release in his friendship with a lonely but gifted student, but the news of his lover’s pregnancy further complicates his already difficult life.

The movie where Iron Man (Robert Downey Jr) seduces Spider-Man (Tobey Maguire).

See also Weird Science for weird 80s RDJ, then watch Chef for yet one more exhibit proving Jon Favreau is better at making movies than most of us will ever be.

Jeremy Renner: Clint Barton/Hawkeye

Dahmer

In this fictionalized, fragmented biopic of one of America’s most notorious serial killers, Jeffrey Dahmer (Jeremy Renner) contemplates his latest potential victim, a young man named Rodney (Artel Kayaru). As Dahmer considers the fate of his prey, we see flashbacks to the events that led to the evolution of a monster, from Dahmer’s tortured relationship with his father (Bruce Davison), to his first kill, to his patrolling of the gay bars of Milwaukee.

So much Dahmer, so little time.

See also 28 Weeks Later for a sequel that might never get made today, then watch Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol to shed a tear for Jeremy Renner. Forever the bridesmaid, never the bride. He didn’t get to take over the Bourne franchise, either.

Don Cheadle

The Meteor Man

An unassuming teacher, Jefferson Reed (Robert Townsend) lives and works in an urban area plagued by a tough gang. When a falling meteor hits Jefferson, he discovers that he has gained numerous superpowers. Encouraged by his father (Robert Guillaume) and mother (Marla Gibbs), Jefferson sets out, somewhat awkwardly, to become a crime-fighting hero. While he manages to improve his community, he finds out that his powers aren’t limitless, making his efforts more challenging.

I’m begging the MCU to use the multiverse to bring these characters into the fold. Golden Lords! Baby Lords! Sinbad!

Also read Looking Back at ‘The Meteor Man’ With Robert Townsend (Shondaland).

Robert Townsend: There’s your limitation! I was like, “Oh, no. You could be anything.” Then it clicked in my brain. I said, “You know what? I’ll be the first African-American superhero. I’ll create a world that nobody has ever seen before. I’ll create bad guys you’ve never seen before.”

ShondaLand: In the film, Jefferson is expected to help everyone in the community as soon as they discover that he has powers. They’ve got a list of things for him to do: they want him to patrol in his costume, they want to put the phone in his home. It made me think about how the black superhero very quickly becomes a community commodity on shows like “Luke Cage,” and how in “Black Panther” the country of Wakanda remains secret in order to avoid having to get involved in that sort of thing. What side would Jefferson fall on in 2018; what would “Meteor Man” look like?

For more Don Cheadle pre-MCU wowness, see him discuss some very adult business in Boogie Nights, and while LA has never looked better than in Volcano, I’ve gotta ask…

Was Tommy Lee Jones ever young?

Chris Evans: Steve Rogers/Captain America

Fantastic Four

Scientist Reed Richards (Ioan Gruffudd) persuades his arrogant former classmate, Victor von Doom (Julian McMahon), to fund his experiments with cosmic energy. On von Doom’s space station, the crew — including astronaut Ben Grimm (Michael Chiklis), researcher Sue Storm (Jessica Alba) and pilot Johnny Storm (Chris Evans) — are exposed to a mysterious cosmic storm that bestows super powers upon them. As they cope with their transformations, von Doom vows his revenge.

This movie sucks, but Chris Evans is on fire. His chase with the Silver Surfer in the sequel is the bar the MCU needs to clear for any future Fantastic Four installments.

Need I remind you that’s Laurence Fishburne as the voice of the Silver Surfer?

Not Another Teen Movie speaks for itself, but as for Snowpiercer?

Captain America shouldn’t know what babies taste like.

Chris Hemsworth: Thor Odinson/Point Break

Jay & Silent Bob Reboot

Jay and Silent Bob inadvertently sign away their names and rights to the new `Bluntman and Chronic’ movie. Now they head to Hollywood to stop the film from being made.

I can only assume Chris Hemsworth was still reeling from the cloud of THC that surely consumed the entire Kevin Smith set. Why else would he sign on for Men in Black: International?

I only mention Star Trek because we’ll probably never see this character again.

Evangeline Lilly: Hope Pym/Wasp

Freddy VS Jason

Two horror icons face off in this supernatural movie. Disfigured serial killer Freddy Krueger (Robert Englund), who attacks his victims in their dreams, has lost much of his power since citizens of his town have become less afraid of him. Enlisting the help of fellow violent murderer Jason Voorhees (Ken Kirzinger), Freddy orchestrates a new killing spree. However, when the hockey-mask-wearing psychopath won’t stop chopping up Freddy’s intended victims, the two ghouls start to battle each other.

If you’re only watching this one for Evangeline, she appears for the same amount of time it will take you to look at the header image at the top of this article.

She had slightly larger roles in her first television role on Smallville, but it’s the season finale for Lost that the MCU truly wishes it could erase.

Tom Holland: Peter Parker/Spider-Man

Lip Sync Battle

Thanks to a wildly popular segment on `The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon’, pretend-singing contests between celebrities are now worthy enough for a TV series. `Lip Sync Battle’ brings together some of the biggest performers in entertainment, among them Anna Kendrick, Dwayne Johnson, Emily Blunt, Anne Hathaway, Justin Bieber, Jennifer Lopez, Terrence Howard, and executive producers Fallon, John Krasinski and Stephen Merchant, to see who better lip-syncs songs of their choice. Helping produce epic battles, celebs are outfitted not only with microphones but props, costumes and even backup singers. LL Cool J hosts, and model Chrissy Teigen provides colour commentary.

Tom Holland is a queer icon and a legend among legends.

Is it fair to say Tom Holland is in Venom: Let There Be Carnage? Not really, but it’s as fair as whoever let that movie get made.

If you haven’t seen the show Hot Ones (or the episode with Tom Holland), the host Sean could have been a producer for Movie 43. At least the skit with Chris Pratt.

Samuel L. Jackson: Nick Fury

Star Wars: Episode II Attack of the Clones

Set ten years after the events of “The Phantom Menace,” the Republic continues to be mired in strife and chaos. A separatist movement encompassing hundreds of planets and powerful corporate alliances poses new threats to the galaxy that even the Jedi cannot stem. These moves, long planned by an as yet unrevealed and powerful force, lead to the beginning of the Clone Wars — and the beginning of the end of the Republic.

This movie is just not good folks. Time has not balanced its place in the Force. And yet…is it a better movie than Rise of Skywalker? It might be.

Jurassic Park was a mighty leap forward for Samuel L Jackson’s butt, but it was his role in Coming to America that paired him with the as-yet-undefeated voice of Shrek’s least favorite friend.

Scarlett Johanson: Natasha Romanov/Black Widow

Home Alone 3

When an inept group of criminals tries to get a stolen top-secret computer chip through airport security, it ends up in a toy car in the luggage of the elderly Mrs. Hess (Marian Seldes). Unable to promptly retrieve the chip, the felons follow Hess and the car to her neighborhood. After she gives the toy to young Alex Pruitt (Alex D. Linz), who is home sick from school, he becomes the target of the criminals. However, the precocious kid is on to their schemes and ready to fight the thieves off.

Would you like to see Home Alone without any (funny) jokes? How about a Michael Bay that starts off pretty good…and then foreshadows the worst moments of Transformers 2?

If you really want a fun Friday night…how about 300 without any of the things you like about a Zack Snyder’s movie? The Spirit is your next must watch.

Clark Gregg

What Lies Beneath (screenwriter)

It’s been a year since Dr. Norman Spencer (Harrison Ford) betrayed his beautiful wife Claire (Michelle Pfeiffer). But with Claire oblivious to the truth, Norman’s life and marriage seem so perfect that when Claire tells him of hearing mysterious voices and seeing a young woman’s image in their home, he dismisses her terror as delusion. Claire moves closer to the truth and it becomes clear that this apparition will not be dismissed, and has come back for Dr. Spencer and his beautiful wife.

You’re trying to tell me this sucker can write?!

That’s write — err, yep, while Clark Gregg also had memorable roles alongside Tom Cruise in Magnolia, and an unforgettable turn in an episode of Sex and the City (“Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell), he also wrote one heck of a horror movie starring no less than Han Solo and Catwoman.

Arc reactor powering down

In case you missed it, Jamie Lee Curtis came out swinging for trans folks, and not far behind her came Daniel Radcliffe to tell JK Rowling (Twitter) she should please just stop.

Otherwise, that’s it for today, folks.

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