Marry Yourself Before Committing to Another

The ancient, formerly secret teaching of ‘sacred marriage’ provides direct clues to successful relationships in modern love.

I was a highly sensitive kid and easily affected by the moods and reactive behaviors of others. When I was a teen I began studying mystical teachings about relationship dynamics, in search of emotional balance.

A concept I frequently came across but didn’t fully grasp was sacred marriage, often referred to as HIEROS GAMOS. This term was cross culturally defined through symbols portraying polarity and union. It was a central teaching in many religions and myths.

Union is eventually realized by the practitioner, as a mystical experience within one’s own body.

A sacred marriage taking place within myself existed as a mental concept, until a moment of truth arrived and my marriage began fracturing beyond repair.

“Your own self realization is the greatest service you can render the world.” Sri Ramana Maharshi

The following story might stretch your beliefs. If so, may I suggest you read it as magical realism, but every word of it is true.

I was 35 years old, standing in front of my husband on an outer island in Fiji. We had been living in Australia for two months, attending a training I was participating in and he was assisting with. We determined it would be cheaper for me to stay in Fiji while he returned to the U.S. for a month, then reunite in Sydney for the second half of the training.

My gut was cramping. I asked him several times if something was up. Did he want to discuss anything before he took off? He looked directly into my eyes and denied any problem. He was lying to me and even worse, he knew I knew he was afraid to tell the truth.

After he flew off I felt even more sick to my stomach, an unusual sensation for me. I asked the universe for guidance regarding my next step. I was led straight to a poster advertising an overnight snorkeling adventure and decided to go for it. The timing was perfect. It was early morning and the boat, leaving at noon, had one more space. Meant to be.

It took two hours for the speedboat to reach our destination, a tiny island I could walk around in less than half an hour. The eight of us onboard spent a spectacular afternoon snorkeling in the calm, turquoise water, swimming alongside barracuda sharks and sea snakes as well as brightly colored schools of tropical fish.

I walked around the island perimeter after our return and found coconuts dropping alongside papaya trees. The camping area contained several sturdy huts with rain proof roofs, machetes to hack open coconuts, a fire pit and raised platform beds with mosquito nets. There was also a full to the brim, large rainwater cistern. I had my backpack and sleeping bag with me.

I hatched a vision quest plan and consulted with the captain of our boat. If I chose to stay for a longer period on tiny island, could he bring me fruit from town on his next trip in three days? Was I safe alone? Yes and yes was his answer. No one used the island but him and he returned every third day with a new overnight group.

I was in a purification phase in my life. I had not used any substances or alcohol for more than five years and had regularly undergone intermittent fasting and other diets to cleanse my body. Tiny island was ideal for a three week fruit fast and I could be alone the majority of the time.

Captain lined up mature and green coconuts alongside leftover fruit from our trip. He made sure I knew how to use a machete and once he saw I had plenty of bush skills, felt comfortable enough to take off with the group.

I spent the first two days acclimating to the island and swimming for hours. I ate sparingly but felt deeply satisfied with fruit and the nourishing fat in coconut. The stars glittered brightly at night and I saw phenomena, such as green streaks in the heavens, I had never seen outside a northern lights zone. Still, my gut churned away and unsettling thoughts kept arising.

I remained disturbed when the boat returned with a new batch of snorkelers. The Captain had told them about the American woman staying on the island and everyone wanted to talk.

My sensitivities were heightened and attuned to natural rhythms. I could hardly wait until they left the next day. I was however, very grateful for the Captain’s thoughtful array of tasty fruit he faithfully delivered.

This pattern continued for two and a half weeks. Each day I asked for clarification around my marriage. What was truly happening in the relationship? I felt a strong sense of betrayal and knew it was not a paranoid musing.

In the middle of the third and last week, I woke up to a full moon casting light as vivid as daytime. I felt another presence. I was in a hypnogogic state, the threshold between sleeping and waking. I sat up in bed, my heart hammering and flicked the mosquito net aside to see more clearly.

Standing at the base of my bed was a male Centaur, glowing in a golden light. I gasped and was flooded with fear at the sight of this mythical figure, until I looked into his shining eyes.

My profession was in the healing arts and I recognized Chiron, the wise, kind medicine teacher, healer of spiritual wounds and bestower of profound spiritual gifts through direct insight.

He beckoned me forward with a nod of his head and I followed him without hesitation in my Mind’s Eye. We journeyed through a primeval, lush forest until arriving at a glimmering, golden pool. He telepathically communicated I should enter the pool and I did so readily.

Once I reached waist level I stopped in wonder, gazing at a female figure facing me only feet away in the pool. The moment we made eye contact I felt like a lightning bolt split me in two. I realized with a great shock, I was looking into the eyes of my dis-embodied feminine self from my embodied masculine self.

How could that be?

I was a feminist and strongly identified with my gender. I looked to the Centaur for help and understood a missing, vital piece of my relationship puzzle. I had been living life through a masculine lens.

HIEROS GAMOS was no longer an abstraction, but a reality. My divided self began merging into a whole, fully accepting both masculine and feminine principles. The instant I comprehended the alchemy taking place, my opposing forms blended into one ecstatic union.

I was consumed in bliss, completely immersed in the shower and pool of golden light. I glanced at the Centaur through the luminous mist. He nodded at me and immediately disappeared into the forest.

I woke out of my trance, still sitting upon my bed and fell back onto my sleeping bag with a heart rending cry. I had no control over the emotional cleansing, lasting hours, as the moon disappeared into the horizon and dawn arrived.

Tears coursed down my cheeks throughout the day, accompanied by a sense of utmost relief, a lifting of a burden I hadn’t realized existed. A death and rebirth was happening simultaneously.

I barefooted my way down to the small, white sand beach and passed the afternoon allowing the waves to move my body as they wished. A core dross of sadness was releasing, making way for the integration of a new awareness.

The Captain returned two days later and I left tiny island knowing my life had been forever altered.

My arrival back in Sydney and reunion with my husband was a confirmation of everything I had been sensing. He confessed to sexual addiction and disclosed a past record of lies and deceptions. It was the beginning of the end of our marriage.

I was devastated, but fully supported by the strength I had discovered within. The dissolution of our marriage could not touch my internal, vibrant wholeness now in place. A powerful resilience arose and I recuperated more rapidly than I would’ve previously thought possible.

I stopped searching for completion through another person. I harbored no doubt it was not the path to oneness we all instinctively desire.

We don’t need a tiny island to open to the idea of sacred marriage within ourselves. Healing visions can occur in your living room. There are many ways we can embark on the road to completion within ourselves.

We can ask for help. If our petition arises from the flame of our heart, we will be assisted. Aid may manifest in an unexpected form but it will arrive.

We will learn how to honor our voice and gain courage exploring our unique being. Our highs and lows will stimulate our curiosity as we investigate our story.

We will self query, asking pertinent questions such as how does this action or behavior serve me? Not in a narcissistic way but in honest probing.

You already are that which you seek. A central teaching of Advaita Yoga.

If we are unhappy with the route our personal relationships are taking, it translates to every part of our lives. If we compromise what we know is best for our soul, we will end up with a list of regrets as we age.

Intimate relationships are often the most challenging place in our lives. When we are deflated by harsh behavior, betraying ourselves or those we love, we will know we own a safe shelter.

This awareness will develop our ability to transform difficult periods into opportunities for growth. Relationship alchemy.

We will pause before requesting significant others to conform to our wishes and instead realize we hold the keys to our own castle.

We will hesitate before fantasizing someone else can fill our gaps and afterward become disillusioned by the reality they cannot.

We will stop inflicting damage on others in retaliation for the pain we’ve received.

Our life will become enriched through self knowledge and awareness of our potential.

We will once more recognize the complete beings we are and have always been.

We will fall in love with ourselves so we may completely love others.

So be it.