Marriage — an undesirable institution
I have never wanted to be married. I have never dreamt of it, aspired to it, or planned it. No thoughts of dresses, cakes, ceremonies, or honeymoons, and for a very long time I felt weird about it. Thinking there must be something wrong. Why didn’t I want it, not the wedding, nor the marriage like other women? The whole idea for a long time filled me with ‘THE FEAR’!
People around me thought/still think there must be something about me that is ‘not normal’. My sexuality has been questioned on numerous occasions. Looks of pity, like I am unwanted or loved. Poor Alison, never married so surely never loved. My single status is a much bigger issue for other people than it is for me.
I have had a child though, so not quite filling the chaste, spinster brief. My son is planning his wedding soon and I just know the patronising, pity brigade will be out in full force again to cast judgment over my single, unmarried status. I mean, imagine, my son getting married before I do. Quelle horreur!
Now the world of the internet may have its flaws, and some big ones at that, but it does allow people who feel marginalised in some way, to find each other. By chance (or by the scary Facebook algorithms) I came across a post from a woman who felt like I did. The comments section was full, and I mean full, of women like me, and it was wonderful.
Why is it ok to not want children but not ok to want to be unmarried?
I was chatting with a colleague at work, who is in a long-term relationship, and she wants to be married. She drops hints to her partner that she would like him to ‘put a ring on it’. (Side note: I do wonder how things will pan out when a guy feels he is pressured into proposing. I loathe those wedding cake toppers that depict the bride dragging the groom to the altar. I mean, WTF?) Anyway, she was quite resolute in saying that she does not want to have children. I was like, cool, it’s not for everyone. I then said that I had never wanted to be married, and I received the most ridiculously sad ‘Awwww’. I then stupidly quantified my choice by explaining that I had had the opportunity in the past but I either refused it or didn’t catch the hint. I am annoyed at myself for doing that. In the same way, she didn’t have to justify her choice for no children, I shouldn’t feel the need to justify my choice to remain unmarried.
Life should not be defined by marital status
I watch a lot of old Sherlock Holmes films on YouTube. In the comments section of ‘Dressed to Kill (1946), via @FeatureFilm, @DadsLloyd in giving a micro snapshot of the leading actress’ life asks ‘Did you know that Patricia Morrison never married…?’ This was ahead of her career, her age, and where she lived. As if in her 103 years of life, the most notable thing about Patricia Morrison was that she never married. I mean, come on! Perhaps the secret to her long life is she did whatever the f*** she wanted. She was working well into her 90s and I bet she would have had a full and satisfying life.
Don’t believe the hype
An article by Clementine Ford in The Guardian, which appeared in October 2023, entitled Marriage is an inherently misogynistic institution — so why do women agree to it? In it, Clementine asks ‘…why are women still buying into the myth that [marriage] is romantic, or that it will supposedly bring us lifelong bliss?’ She discusses the history of the institution of marriage and questions the modern-day wedding industry that creates debt for couples which many are still paying long after the divorce. Yet, so many women still want the thing, and hang the cost to their finances and their wellbeing. For some, it seems, to get married is a ticky-box exercise, something that one must do to win in life, like learning to swim or getting a driving license.
Miss or Mrs? No!
I was a teacher for many years and as a woman of a certain age the title ‘Miss’ made me squirm. A bit like ‘Mademoiselle’, it should be for the very young. Why is it that the titles for women identify their marital status and men’s do not? I am now Ms. all the way but I wish this was more common. I can sense the suspicion when I am asked ‘Miss or Mrs?’ and I answer ‘Ms’ with a long and sharp z sound. I can sense them wondering why.
Single and winning
There are reasons why I don’t want to be married. I fear being controlled or answerable to other people, which likely stems from being the youngest in an unhappy, dysfunctional family. It comes from witnessing bad marriages. Watching loved ones cling on to their married status in the face of infidelity, coercion, verbal abuse, and gaslighting, because they see being single as undesirable. Being single in their eyes would be a failure.
My great-aunt, who had a full and happy 97 years of life, never married either. She had a partner, and they lived together for many years before his passing. Sadly, she was treated as a figure of fun in my family, laughing at her not with her. But she is my role model. Despite the peer pressure, she did things on her terms.
Don’t get me wrong, I am not totally against marriage. It’s just not my bag. So please, if you have people around you who seem happy in their single status, leave them alone. Stop trying to get them on dating apps or setting them up with any other single person (regardless of their compatibility). You do your thing and let us happily unwed folks do ours.