PATHOLOGY
‘Marky Mark’ Wahlberg is Patient Zero for Monkeypox
I’m totally for real this time.
In high school, I was TA for a biology teacher. For those who aren’t aware, “TA” stands for technical analyst. It’s one of the highest honorifics in the field of biology, I assure you. Other writers on Medium claim to be scientists because they went to college and studied this field or something. I don’t know. Only an advanced black belt, 7th Dan super scientist such as myself can can make this boring stuff palatable.
I updated the grade book for the computer-averse educator, drank a metric ton of the citrus-flavored soft drink Surge, and maintained a crush on the leggy co-assistant, I mean analyst, I worked alongside. The breathing problems, agitation, restlessness, and lack of vertical growth back then were just a coincidence, I’m sure.
Cerebral Fact: I know how to operate a computer. That’s pretty cool, right?
This advanced scientific position gave me significant firsthand knowledge of the natural world and quite possibly — prediabetes. I come to you today to strongly assert that Mark Wahlbeg is patient zero for Monkeypox, the newest, hottest, and most glamorous disease outbreak in the world.
The Evidence
I saw it. You saw it. We all saw it. Marky Mark smooched that ape Ari with a whole lotta tongue in Tim Burton’s 2001 remake of “Planet of the Apes”.
Say “The lion licked the lemon loudly” 3 times fast. That’s how much tongue he actually used. That tongue was going more places and farther than than Lance Armstrong cycling while using EPO, HGH, and diuretics. Okay, there wasn’t any tongue in that scene. I LIED, okay?! My editors made me do it because they’re jealous of my natural, raw writing talent.
From Ook To Eek
Historically, Tim Burton wanted to go further and have the two characters consummate their relationship. With the image of Marky Mark and the ape doing the horizontal tango with a monkey on a bearskin rug with soft jazz playing in the background burned into your skull, we can move forward. I would include a picture of the kiss, but I’m afraid that 20th Century Fox, now owned by Disney, will put my head on a spike outside of Sleeping Beauty’s Castle at Disneyland for mocking this cheap smut.
Science Fact: Monkeys are NOT apes. Apes do not have tails. This is me, the ‘leggy’ co-assistant who actually PAID ATTENTION, LEARNED, and COMPLETED WORK as a TA rather than sit on my butt eating donuts and drinking overly-caffeinated drinks!
I know you looked it up. A still or video from the movie, I mean. Some of you perverts even have photographic memories and remembered this exact scene without looking it up. Congratulations, you have now been added to the No-Fly List and banned from every Qdoba within in a 300-mile radius from your home. This ban is up to and including the Traverse City, Michigan location. RIP your access to their fabulous loaded tortilla soup.
Zoonotic?
Zoonotic means that the infectious disease is transmitted between animals and humans. It’s wild to think that one tongue kiss can change our planet, but here we are. Monkeypox’s primary method of transmission is via close intimate contact with someone who has the virus.
Zooerotic means that if you get jiggy with a monkey, Big Willie style, nothing good will happen. The virus surfaced closer to the time remake of Planet of the Apes than the the original, which means Charlton Heston is innocent (other than of being a 5-term President of the NRA and doing the usual sad whining about political correctness). He also didn’t use tongue like Mr. Underwear Model did.
Conclusion
I found a clone recipe of Qdoba’s loaded tortilla soup, so we don’t need them for anything anymore. There are also a few approved vaccines for the monkeypox, so that’s good. That doesn’t make it okay, Mark. As to the No Fly List, I’ll be taking up residency in Peru once this boat arrives in about a week.
