SATIRE

Marjorie Taylor Greene Proves Earthlings Aren’t Ready to Join the Galactic Federation of Intelligent Beings

By Garrax Kalaklaklakra from Gonzarnia 7

Greetings, oxygen-through-mouth breathers. We come in peace. We would like to greet you with open arms, but I’m not gonna beat around the asteroid belt. You’re fucking up your planet.

We’ve been watching your kind for years. Remember that whole Roswell incident? Some space cadet let Krulok Drafnopkleplak fly the damn saucer while he was sauced on Zarlenian ale. Then suddenly UFOs are all the rage!

Despite the hiccup, we conducted extensive research into your species. We’re sorry about the abductions and especially the anal probes. Those are rarely fun. Unless you’re one of those Flaxilians. They’re into some kinky shit. I assure you everything we’ve done is a necessary part of becoming a full-fledged member of the Galactic Federation of Intelligent Beings.

As the local GFOIB rep for this quadrant, I’ve been rooting for you. You wrapped up that second world war and 24 years later you were walking on the moon. Sure, you started a bunch of unnecessary wars since then—costing millions of lives—but you redeemed yourself by inventing the iPod.

Then the past few decades, humankind backtracked. Your scientists warned humanity was causing climate change that would soon threaten your existence, and you were all, “But check out this sick-ass, fossil-guzzling Hummer bro!” Sorry, I can’t do a human accent. My brother Thoraxqalblemboklax is the only “artist” in the hive.

We sent you an intergalactic undercover agent from Belvak Minor—you know him as Al Gore—and you laughed him out of town. For that alone we could vaporize your planet. Relax, we’re not dicks. We want to help you out if we can.

I was optimistic you could turn it around. But you kept devolving. You chose orange-colored, ferret-on-head-guy for the most powerful job on Earth. You didn’t appreciate the genius of the Star Wars prequel movies. You hunted elephants to near extinction. Those fuckers are cute as shit. You still haven’t freed Britney Spears. “Oops!… I Did It Again” topped the charts all over the galaxy, you know?

Even after that American insurrection deal, I was pretty sure I had enough votes in the Galactic Senate to land you a spot in the elite club of intelligent beings. That was until the video of Marjorie Taylor Greene talking about secret Jewish space lasers went viral––all over the damn universe. Even a few other dimensions were laughing at us, which is really embarrassing.

Initially, it was just a galactic security issue. DO THEY HAVE JEWISH SPACE LASERS? Have we underestimated their technological and military prowess? I have to say, you made me look like a giant asshole. And we don’t even have assholes. That’s how bad it is.

So, you got one nutter, the galaxy figured, big whoop. At least she’s been exposed as a brain-damaged weirdo who will be removed from power. And what happened? She became a hero to the dumbest beings on your planet? Republicans, I think you call them.

Well, I hope you’re happy. Thanks to Marjorie Laser-Brain Greene, we’ve decided to move on to less-Greene pastures. She’s just too out there even for us, and we’re way out there. We’ll check back in a thousand Earth years. Do try to have your shit together by then.

Play along with this MuddyUm humor writing prompt

by co-editor Rachael Ann Sand