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Abstract

2 id="5bae">You’re a Los Angeles Clippers fan…</h2><p id="dd44">Wait, those exist? I mean, it hasn’t exactly been a rosy history. Remember that one season when… wait, you’ve never even made it to even the conference finals? And you just won your first division title ever in 2013 and shamelessly celebrated it even though that much more popular, much more famous big brother team right there in your own backyard sports an epic storied history and 16 Lakers championships? Looks like you’ll love <b>Miami</b> basketball! The Canes just won their first ACC basketball title in 2013 as well and boy do they try to get excited every March! But they’ve never made it past the Sweet 16, and the moment they lose, everyone’s attention turns back to the real Miami show that matters anyway: Hurricanes football.</p><h1 id="14e1">NFL Bracket</h1><h2 id="cfbd">You’re a Green Bay Packers fan…</h2><p id="8d06">So you root for the favorite. The Packers are a name brand and a longtime powerhouse with many titles. They’re always in the hunt. Your team has a rabid fanbase and thinks its forefather Vince Lombardi practically invented the sport. You hate to admit but your franchise has had a rough go of it lately, with two OT playoff chokes to the Cards, the collapse in Seattle last year, and 5 one-score playoff losses in the past decade. You should be a <b>Kansas</b> fan! The Jayhawks are loaded every year, always a favorite, and early coach James Naismith actually did invent the sport. And with 3 titles already history is on your side, though not so much recently with losses to Wichita, VCU, Northern Iowa, Bucknell… you know what, maybe let’s not list them all. It’s been six eliminations by a 7 seed or worse plus four Elite 8 losses in the past 12 years and you’ve had enough. This is your year. Again. After all, rooting for your team is about the only thing to do in an otherwise forsaken land anyway.</p><h2 id="031f">You’re a Chicago Bears fan…</h2><p id="fedd">Remember the glory years? There was Sweetness and Butkus and Sayers. And oh man, what about 1985- the greatest championship run there ever was! Remember when Fridge scored the Super Bowl touchdown? Remember how the defense dominated and how Ditka and Buddy were carried off the field together? Man, those were the days. All your guys do lately is get your hopes up and choke. But you’ll always have 1985! You, my friend, are a <b>Villanova</b> fan! You’re supposedly a storied team but the truth is that you’ve made just two Final Fours in almost 100 years of basketball, and you keep choking just about every year lately. But oh man, that incredible title run! You beat two 2s and two 1s all culminating in the perfect basketball game, the <a href="https://readmedium.com/michigan-state-biggest-upset-ever-25b8f23b35f7#.prllx4afb">greatest upset of all time</a> over Georgetown. That was awesome… You’ll always have 1985!</p><h2 id="060a">You’re a New England Patriots fan…</h2><p id="ce51">Look, this one is not hard to figure out. You’ve won a heap of championships in the last few decades. Your team somehow always seems to have a star that is despised and hated by all. Your coach is brilliant, we know, but he’s also Satan Incarnate. Yup, you’re a <b>Duke</b> fan. Enjoy rooting for Coach K and Grayson Allen. And hey, I’m sure you’re staying just barely inline with those recruiting loopholes you always seem to find. Just know that no one on earth is rooting for your guys except for you. Oh and by the way, good luck on your Yankees, Red Wings, Cowboys, and Manchester United seasons too. Dick.</p><h2 id="9a16">You’re a Buffalo Bills fan…</h2><p id="7322">Quick, what’s your greatest ever franchise win? I bet it was from 1992. Down 32 in the playoffs, you managed to pull together and rally for “The Comeback” going on an incredible 35–3 run to send the game into overtime against all odds and then winning it there. You carried that momentum into the next couple games against the top 2 seeds in your conference too, both wins. You’re now a <b>Texas A&M </b>fan. You have no business being here, but your Aggies did the unthinkable against Northern Iowa with the biggest comeback in college basketball history and here you are. Hopefully your momentum can take down the top two teams in your bracket too. Just try not to think about what might happen in Houston if you do make the finals… It just reminds you a little too much of that 52–17 Dallas Super Bowl.</p><h1 id="bdb4">Everything Else Bracket</h1><h2 id="f449">You’re a St Louis Cardinals fan…</h2><p id="8721">Forever manager Tony La Russa led the team to the mountaintop with a World Series win in 2011 but retired along with the trophy, and face of the franchise Albert Pujols left as well. But La Russa disciple Mike Matheny picked up where things left off, uncovering new system players every year and keeping the team right on track. Somehow, even though it never makes any sense, your team is right in the mix of things. You should be a <b>Wisconsin</b> fan! Lifetime coach Bo Ryan retired suddenly in December after leading the team to back to back Final Fours and left you with interim coach Greg Gard, and icon Frank Kam

Options

insky made his mark but is in the NBA now. Yet here you are again, somehow always in the mix. You’ve uncovered another new gem, 6'9 Ethan Happ with his 33 points and 16 rebounds the first two games, and dang it if you didn’t get lucky yet again with another sweet draw. How do you always seem to catch every break?? You’re Red, you’re proud, and who really cares if the rest of the Midwest absolutely despises you?</p><h2 id="113d">You’re a Los Angeles Dodgers fan…</h2><p id="b6e3">You’re an iconic team, one of the first anyone thinks of in your sport. You have fully embraced the new world of analytics, and there’s nothing quite like a game at the ballpark with the soft intonations of Vin Scully calling the plays. And man, that history- six World Series titles by your name, never mind that it hasn’t happened since the ’80s. You are an <b>Indiana</b> fan! The Hoosiers are synonymous with basketball and those red and white pinstripe warm-ups are just special. You too have embraced the modern era but will always have your storied past with an awesome five titles, though yes, you haven’t won since the ’80s either. You’ll always have fond memories of Bobby Knight and Tommy Lasorda, and the glory days will be back again soon.</p><h2 id="97ec">You’re a Washington Capitals fan…</h2><p id="ae68">Your team is absolutely loaded, and it has been for awhile. You’ve got one of the greatest players in the league Alex Ovechkin and your team can score goals like few others. And every year you get your hopes up, but the playoffs have not been going well. It somehow always feels like a choke and even your one truly great team got swept in the Stanley Cup Finals. But coach Boudreau is gone now and this team is so talented and it just feels different. You’re an <b>Iowa State</b> fan! You have another super talented team and you’re led by 20-point scorer Georges Niang. Yes your one great Cyclones team choked to Hampton, and yes your recent teams have all choked too, but coach Hoiberg is gone now. This team is so good and so fun. This one is different. Definitely.</p><h2 id="d2ac">You’re a Liverpool FC fan…</h2><p id="226a">You didn’t really choose to become a Liverpool fan. You can’t just <i>choose</i> to become a Liverpool fan. No, you were born into Liverpool football. Liverpool is in your blood, as it will be with your children and your grandchildren. Liverpool is the greatest English team of all time, and you won’t hear anything otherwise. No other club can match your tradition and fandom nor your collection of trophies from long ago in that musty old trophy case. You’re a <b>Notre Dame </b>fan! No other fanbase is quite as smug and sure of itself and all its history, so you’ll fit right in. You went to Notre Dame and the kids you don’t have yet will be alumni there in 2039, and man do you have old dusty trophy cases. I know, I know, Steven Gerrard slipped and Jerian Grant got blocked, or you totally had it. It’s more than just a game anyway. It’s about pride and honor and tradition. You’ll never Victory March alone!</p><h2 id="4b11">You’re a Brazil soccer fan…</h2><p id="6787">Everything about your team is special. Your uniforms are unmistakable. Your fans are everywhere. You have won recently and often and are the brand standard of your sport. You pretty much always have the most talented roster, it’s just a matter of getting the right breaks and getting everyone to play team ball and another title will be yours. And of course you had the greatest player of all time, Pele! You’re a <b>North Carolina </b>fan. Every season is title or bust, you’ve got fans all over the country in that Carolina blue, and you get to claim the great Michael Jordan. You’re back here again and one of the favorites as always. Will this team leave its mark amidst the team’s storied history?</p><h2 id="c14c">You’re a Team USA soccer fan…</h2><p id="6168">In your own little world, you are great. You dominate the CONCACAF year in and year out and your team of plucky white guys is so fun to root for. Yeah you’ve never made a World Cup final, but boy do you beat up on Belize and El Salvador. And isn’t it pretty great that you’ve gone to 7 straight World Cups? You’re a Cinderella story at the big stage; everyone else has just kind of forgotten it. You’ll feel right at home rooting for <b>Gonzaga</b>! You’re the big fish in the small pond of the WCC and you crush those guys. You’ve made 18 straight NCAA tournaments which is honestly so impressive that everyone has forgotten you’re still Cinderella. You’ve never made a Final Four, but there’s always a chance, and it’s an upset any time you win even once at the top stage anyway. Landon Donovan and John Stockton will always be your heroes.</p><p id="0fe1">So that’s it! Now you’ve got your team and you’re ready for the Sweet 16. I’ve got the Bears, Thunder, Bulls, and Brazil in my Final Four. Who’s in yours?</p><p id="7fef"><i>If you like this article, please comment below and share it with your friends. Be sure to follow Brandon on Medium or <a href="https://twitter.com/wheatonbrando">@wheatonbrando</a> for more sports, humor, pop culture, and life musings.</i></p></article></body>

March Madness- So now who do I root for?

Which Sweet 16 team is your new favorite?

Ok so the dust settled on the first weekend of March Madness and your bracket is in shambles. Maybe you’re one of the many Michigan State victims or you put your hopes in Calipari’s UK kids or Xavier’s fun name (It has an X! and a V!!). Perhaps you’re bummed that Baylor or West Virginia or pretty much every Pac-12 or SEC team is out or that your beloved Louisville Cardinals never got the chance in the first place.

Either way, here we are. There are still 16 good teams left and a lot of great basketball to be played, so you might as well find someone to root for. You’ve come to the right place! Below you’ll find a comprehensive guide for every Sweet 16 team and their analogous NBA, NFL, MLB, NHL, or soccer team so you know who to root for moving forward. Choose wisely!

NBA Bracket

You’re a Cleveland Cavs fan…

Things are finally coming together for you and your team. This is your year, and it’s all thanks to the best player in hoops Lebron James. He transcends anything else on the court, he loves and knows the game, and he’s your MVP. God hates Cleveland and you’ve only ever made it to the Finals twice and lost both times, but as long as you have the best player, anything can happen. Congratulations, you’re an Oklahoma fan- you get to root for Buddy! Buddy Hield has that picture perfect shot and a smile just as nice, and no one enjoys the game or competes as hard as him. Oklahoma too has only been to two national finals and lost both of them, but Buddy could change it all this year.

You’re a Houston Rockets fan…

Remember that golden age awhile back when your team was dominant? There were the back to back titles in ’94 and ’95 and Rudy Tomjanovich and Hakeem Olajuwon led the way, but… it’s been awhile now. There’s new management in town you’re not totally sure you trust, and your team was supposed to be super awesome this year but has underachieved. You’re a Maryland fan! You had those ‘01-’02 Final Fours and a national title under Gary Williams, but that seems long time ago now. Preseason player of the year candidate Melo Trimble has not lived up to expectations, but maybe this fresh start is just what you needed! You’ll feel right at home after rooting for James Harden all year, and honestly Terps center Diamond Stone is probably the pseudonym Dwight Howard uses for, uh… “adult” activities anyway.

You’re a New York Knicks fan…

You’re a longtime name brand. You’re led by a legendary coach that can’t be too far from retirement, and honestly maybe that’s for the best- isn’t the triangle offense from the ’90s at this point anyway? You’ve had some issues lately and missed some playoffs, but you’re coming around. Those two titles in the ’70s will never be forgotten. And hey, maybe Carmelo Anthony will get you there. You’re a Syracuse fan! You don’t even have to switch colors or leave the state, and you get to keep Melo too. And don’t let the fact that you only have that one ’03 title cloud your legendary status. Maybe old man Boeheim has one more run in him! Maybe that 2–3 defense is so outdated that everyone has forgotten how to play against it! You got this.

You’re an Oklahoma City Thunder fan…

You are a really fun, athletic team that is great to root for. You can technically claim a national title, but we both know that’s from another era. It was 1979 and you were the Seattle SuperSonics then, but that’s a sore subject. Anyway, you’re adamant that you are a real contender this year, but no one seems to take you seriously. You’re the perfect Oregon fan! You too used to be green and gold before the highlighter uniforms and you get to keep your Pacific Northwest roots. And yeah there’s technically that one title from 1939 but does it really count when no one even knows about it? Anyway you’re a 1 seed and that surely makes you one of the top contenders this year! Just keep believing in yourself, cuz no one else seems to.

You’re a Thibs-era Chicago Bulls fan…

You’ve been one of the top teams lately. You play tough, stingy defense and find yourself in the hunt for a top seed every year. But somehow you continue to come up short when the chips are down. For all that defense, your team doesn’t have another playoff gear, and coach Tom Thibodeau can never seem to get the team a bucket when it matters. You’re a Virginia fan now! Coach Tony Bennett (no, not that one) has perfected the Pack Line Defense and here you are again with a real shot after recent failures, but you’re starting to lose belief. Does defense really win championships? And try not to put too much stock into the eerie Ralph Sampson and Derrick Rose comparisons. Yes knee injuries derailed both presumed NBA greats, but let’s focus on this team now.

You’re a Los Angeles Clippers fan…

Wait, those exist? I mean, it hasn’t exactly been a rosy history. Remember that one season when… wait, you’ve never even made it to even the conference finals? And you just won your first division title ever in 2013 and shamelessly celebrated it even though that much more popular, much more famous big brother team right there in your own backyard sports an epic storied history and 16 Lakers championships? Looks like you’ll love Miami basketball! The Canes just won their first ACC basketball title in 2013 as well and boy do they try to get excited every March! But they’ve never made it past the Sweet 16, and the moment they lose, everyone’s attention turns back to the real Miami show that matters anyway: Hurricanes football.

NFL Bracket

You’re a Green Bay Packers fan…

So you root for the favorite. The Packers are a name brand and a longtime powerhouse with many titles. They’re always in the hunt. Your team has a rabid fanbase and thinks its forefather Vince Lombardi practically invented the sport. You hate to admit but your franchise has had a rough go of it lately, with two OT playoff chokes to the Cards, the collapse in Seattle last year, and 5 one-score playoff losses in the past decade. You should be a Kansas fan! The Jayhawks are loaded every year, always a favorite, and early coach James Naismith actually did invent the sport. And with 3 titles already history is on your side, though not so much recently with losses to Wichita, VCU, Northern Iowa, Bucknell… you know what, maybe let’s not list them all. It’s been six eliminations by a 7 seed or worse plus four Elite 8 losses in the past 12 years and you’ve had enough. This is your year. Again. After all, rooting for your team is about the only thing to do in an otherwise forsaken land anyway.

You’re a Chicago Bears fan…

Remember the glory years? There was Sweetness and Butkus and Sayers. And oh man, what about 1985- the greatest championship run there ever was! Remember when Fridge scored the Super Bowl touchdown? Remember how the defense dominated and how Ditka and Buddy were carried off the field together? Man, those were the days. All your guys do lately is get your hopes up and choke. But you’ll always have 1985! You, my friend, are a Villanova fan! You’re supposedly a storied team but the truth is that you’ve made just two Final Fours in almost 100 years of basketball, and you keep choking just about every year lately. But oh man, that incredible title run! You beat two 2s and two 1s all culminating in the perfect basketball game, the greatest upset of all time over Georgetown. That was awesome… You’ll always have 1985!

You’re a New England Patriots fan…

Look, this one is not hard to figure out. You’ve won a heap of championships in the last few decades. Your team somehow always seems to have a star that is despised and hated by all. Your coach is brilliant, we know, but he’s also Satan Incarnate. Yup, you’re a Duke fan. Enjoy rooting for Coach K and Grayson Allen. And hey, I’m sure you’re staying just barely inline with those recruiting loopholes you always seem to find. Just know that no one on earth is rooting for your guys except for you. Oh and by the way, good luck on your Yankees, Red Wings, Cowboys, and Manchester United seasons too. Dick.

You’re a Buffalo Bills fan…

Quick, what’s your greatest ever franchise win? I bet it was from 1992. Down 32 in the playoffs, you managed to pull together and rally for “The Comeback” going on an incredible 35–3 run to send the game into overtime against all odds and then winning it there. You carried that momentum into the next couple games against the top 2 seeds in your conference too, both wins. You’re now a Texas A&M fan. You have no business being here, but your Aggies did the unthinkable against Northern Iowa with the biggest comeback in college basketball history and here you are. Hopefully your momentum can take down the top two teams in your bracket too. Just try not to think about what might happen in Houston if you do make the finals… It just reminds you a little too much of that 52–17 Dallas Super Bowl.

Everything Else Bracket

You’re a St Louis Cardinals fan…

Forever manager Tony La Russa led the team to the mountaintop with a World Series win in 2011 but retired along with the trophy, and face of the franchise Albert Pujols left as well. But La Russa disciple Mike Matheny picked up where things left off, uncovering new system players every year and keeping the team right on track. Somehow, even though it never makes any sense, your team is right in the mix of things. You should be a Wisconsin fan! Lifetime coach Bo Ryan retired suddenly in December after leading the team to back to back Final Fours and left you with interim coach Greg Gard, and icon Frank Kaminsky made his mark but is in the NBA now. Yet here you are again, somehow always in the mix. You’ve uncovered another new gem, 6'9 Ethan Happ with his 33 points and 16 rebounds the first two games, and dang it if you didn’t get lucky yet again with another sweet draw. How do you always seem to catch every break?? You’re Red, you’re proud, and who really cares if the rest of the Midwest absolutely despises you?

You’re a Los Angeles Dodgers fan…

You’re an iconic team, one of the first anyone thinks of in your sport. You have fully embraced the new world of analytics, and there’s nothing quite like a game at the ballpark with the soft intonations of Vin Scully calling the plays. And man, that history- six World Series titles by your name, never mind that it hasn’t happened since the ’80s. You are an Indiana fan! The Hoosiers are synonymous with basketball and those red and white pinstripe warm-ups are just special. You too have embraced the modern era but will always have your storied past with an awesome five titles, though yes, you haven’t won since the ’80s either. You’ll always have fond memories of Bobby Knight and Tommy Lasorda, and the glory days will be back again soon.

You’re a Washington Capitals fan…

Your team is absolutely loaded, and it has been for awhile. You’ve got one of the greatest players in the league Alex Ovechkin and your team can score goals like few others. And every year you get your hopes up, but the playoffs have not been going well. It somehow always feels like a choke and even your one truly great team got swept in the Stanley Cup Finals. But coach Boudreau is gone now and this team is so talented and it just feels different. You’re an Iowa State fan! You have another super talented team and you’re led by 20-point scorer Georges Niang. Yes your one great Cyclones team choked to Hampton, and yes your recent teams have all choked too, but coach Hoiberg is gone now. This team is so good and so fun. This one is different. Definitely.

You’re a Liverpool FC fan…

You didn’t really choose to become a Liverpool fan. You can’t just choose to become a Liverpool fan. No, you were born into Liverpool football. Liverpool is in your blood, as it will be with your children and your grandchildren. Liverpool is the greatest English team of all time, and you won’t hear anything otherwise. No other club can match your tradition and fandom nor your collection of trophies from long ago in that musty old trophy case. You’re a Notre Dame fan! No other fanbase is quite as smug and sure of itself and all its history, so you’ll fit right in. You went to Notre Dame and the kids you don’t have yet will be alumni there in 2039, and man do you have old dusty trophy cases. I know, I know, Steven Gerrard slipped and Jerian Grant got blocked, or you totally had it. It’s more than just a game anyway. It’s about pride and honor and tradition. You’ll never Victory March alone!

You’re a Brazil soccer fan…

Everything about your team is special. Your uniforms are unmistakable. Your fans are everywhere. You have won recently and often and are the brand standard of your sport. You pretty much always have the most talented roster, it’s just a matter of getting the right breaks and getting everyone to play team ball and another title will be yours. And of course you had the greatest player of all time, Pele! You’re a North Carolina fan. Every season is title or bust, you’ve got fans all over the country in that Carolina blue, and you get to claim the great Michael Jordan. You’re back here again and one of the favorites as always. Will this team leave its mark amidst the team’s storied history?

You’re a Team USA soccer fan…

In your own little world, you are great. You dominate the CONCACAF year in and year out and your team of plucky white guys is so fun to root for. Yeah you’ve never made a World Cup final, but boy do you beat up on Belize and El Salvador. And isn’t it pretty great that you’ve gone to 7 straight World Cups? You’re a Cinderella story at the big stage; everyone else has just kind of forgotten it. You’ll feel right at home rooting for Gonzaga! You’re the big fish in the small pond of the WCC and you crush those guys. You’ve made 18 straight NCAA tournaments which is honestly so impressive that everyone has forgotten you’re still Cinderella. You’ve never made a Final Four, but there’s always a chance, and it’s an upset any time you win even once at the top stage anyway. Landon Donovan and John Stockton will always be your heroes.

So that’s it! Now you’ve got your team and you’re ready for the Sweet 16. I’ve got the Bears, Thunder, Bulls, and Brazil in my Final Four. Who’s in yours?

If you like this article, please comment below and share it with your friends. Be sure to follow Brandon on Medium or @wheatonbrando for more sports, humor, pop culture, and life musings.