Manners Make Us

Let’s not forget some basic etiquette, people

An old expression that gets trotted out from time to time is: ‘Manners make the man.’ We read each other’s body language all the time, and that includes our manners — how we behave towards each other.

Good manners often mean that you can easily help people around you feel comfortable. Like Queen Victoria who famously drank from a finger bowl (posh people used these to wash their hands at the dining table) because one of her guests drank the water in his finger bowl. The dear old queen clearly wanted to put her guest at ease and followed suit.

One of the original writers on the subject of manners, the American author, Emily Post, said, ‘Manners are a sensitive awareness of the feelings of others. If you have that awareness, you have good manners, no matter what fork you use.’

Another quote of hers I like is: ‘Nothing is less important than which fork you use. Etiquette is the science of living. It embraces everything. It is ethics. It is honor.’

I’m not even going to bother writing about knife-and-fork choices because that’s irrelevant today. How often do we even get a choice? (Hint: if you have multiple choices for cutlery, just start from the outside and work your way in using the different implements for each course and watching what the host uses.)

Post’s book on etiquette, published in 1922, was a best seller and much of it is relevant today. Of course, cellphones weren’t around then and neither was the internet. These innovations are a whole new ballgame.

My dad was a great one for manners. Some time last century he even wrote a book about the subject, saying Emily Post needed updating.

I reckon times have changed so much, but some basic guidelines still work — pretty much along the lines of ‘be aware of other people and try not to piss them off with your behaviour’.

Putin’s war on Ukraine is the ultimate in bad manners. He’s pissing people off all over the world, not to mention those who are losing their lives or being displaced by his bellicose ways.

And then there’s the cellphone which seems to trump manners in our quest to be connected. The people who invented the mobile phone and its endless apps clearly know a thing or two about addiction — and how to keep people dependent on the wanton ways of data and its myriad purposes.

In the interests of showing good manners, I suggest that you leave your phone in your bag or pocket when you’re out with a friend or on a date.

I arrived for a first date one time and as I approached the table he was sitting at, the dude clocked me, looked back to his phone and said, ‘I just need to finish this game,’ and carried on playing! I felt disrespected as I sat there, mutely, waiting for at least a minute while he finished off his game. Needless to say, he didn’t work out.

I rarely catch buses but will always take the seat that’s offered by a polite fellow traveller. I never expect that anyone is going to give me their seat because expectations are resentments waiting to happen.

Here are some of my ideas for applying good manners.

RSVP: Some invitations require an RSVP (French for respondez s’il vous plait — or reply please). When I was a kid I learned this way to respond: ‘[Your name], thanks [so and so] for their kind invitation and accepts with pleasure (or declines with regret)’. No fuss, just get the job done so the host can plan their do and know what to expect regarding the numbers attending. But it’s rude not to respond and the wording doesn’t really matter; just as long as you reply so the host can plan their thing.

Punctuality: be on time, people! It’s rude to keep others waiting. This can be interpreted as ‘my time matters more than yours and I don’t care if you wait for me’. We’re all time poor these days.

Thank you: always thank the person whose hosted you afterwards — even if it’s only by text. A hand-written note mailed or dropped off is old-school but will always be appreciated simply for the fact that no-one does that any more.

Please: When you ask for something, don’t forget to say please. This is just basic manners. I hear people ordering coffee or food at restaurants and they often say: ‘I’ll get the . . .’ and forget to say please.

Respect for another person’s space: if you’re walking three abreast along a footpath (sidewalk) give way to the person coming towards you. Don’t expect that they should have to move out of the way to accommodate you. Show respect.

Remove shoes: when you visit someone in their home, ask if they’d like you to take off your shoes. In some cultures this is mandatory and a sign of disrespect if you keep your shoes on while you’re inside their home.

Cellphones: if you’re meeting someone in a café or restaurant and you’re expecting an important phonecall, let them know ahead of time so that if the call does come through you can excuse yourself and then take the call outside. People who talk loudly on their cellphones in eateries should be shot. Same with ignorant fools in cinemas.

Honking car horns: it used to be that the only reason you’d honk your horn at another driver was to warn them about immediate danger. These days it often means ‘hurry up’ or worse ‘get out of my way’. Road rage is the ultimate in bad manners.

Eye contact: wait staff in restaurants are often on the receiving end of rudeness. Look your server in the eye and say hello. This indicates that you acknowledge them and the important work they do.

Respect pronouns: it’s becoming a courtesy to ask a person what they would like to be called. Don’t resist this; it’s just the way we’re evolving. Also, if they are LGBTQ+ don’t call them gay. It’s not on, people. We evolve and so does the language.

If you’ve read this far I’d love to hear your thoughts about other modern-day manners that you notice may be missing these days.

Thanks for reading.

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