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Abstract

arcissism and some insanity inside him that causes him to shout, “CHARLIE! YOU FUCKING BITCH! LET’S WORK IT OUT!”The anxiously attached believe their abuser is the key to happiness. According to Kaleah LaRoache, “They are plagued by a strong need to reconnect with that person. This strong need to reconnect is not logical. It is a deeply entrenched emotional pattern. The avoidant’s behavior can be abusive and unacceptable but it doesn’t change the anxious person’s strong pull to reconnect. There is something deeply ingrained in the anxious person that feels their very survival depends upon their connection with that person.”So, how does the Covert Narcissist command so much power over their partner? How did Rob go from functioning in his relationship with some degree of confidence to standing in the rain shouting insanity?All narcissist are master manipulators. The covert narcissist or the avoidantly attached partner, which has some overlap with the covert narcissists are the most dangerous in their manipulation because they hide behind a mask of altruism.Unlike their Overt counterpart, the Covert Narcissist is able to mask their narcissism, hiding in plain site. They may seem shy or quiet, while the overt narcissist is the center of attention and boisterous. They are able to use charm and have mastered the art of controlling their emotions unlike the overt narcissist who is wounded by any criticism. The covert narcissist is also wounded by such criticism equally, they simply hide their reactions and deal with the pain of such words privately.Which is why the covert narcissist will hold grievances and make lists of enemies. Once you are listed, there is no apology or reconciliation with them. You are an enemy and the punishment is silence and exile.The silent treatment is the covert narcissist greatest and most powerful weapon. According to the the website PsychCentral, the silent treatment is a form of emotional and psychological abuse that can force victims to change their behavior, make one feel ashamed, and causes emotional trauma. It can also cause long term pshycological truama in future relationships for the victim.It is a threat to self-esteem. It is a form of power control and creating a sense of superiority over the victim. The Covert narcissist may give no reason for not communicating. If an explanation is given, the cause is always the victims fault, and nothing the abuser did.Covert narcissist will never see anything they did as wrong, even in cases where they lied, cheated

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or caused pain for their victim. Covert narcissist are masters of gaslighting.In a relationship, a Covert narcissist or avoidantly attached partner will often shut down emotionally. Putting up walls as a defense. They will cut of communication and intimacy with their partner and when confronted, say things like, “YOU’RE not emotionally available” or “You don’t care anymore” or “You aren’t attracted to me, you don’t think I’m sexy”.All of this is projection. It is designed to cause confusion and keep you off balance. The Covert narcissist will create conflict or deflect conversations when confronted about their feelings or emotions. This is all purposeful, to keep you in a state of confusion and questioning your mental reality.<figure id="e613"><img src="https://cdn-images-1.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:800/1*6E2maH9nZMV8bzdp8Y6ScA.png"><figcaption></figcaption></figure>Covert narcissist will often blame their partner of being a narcissist, and point to vague examples you may not recall. Because, remember, the covert narcissist keeps a running list of every grievance. They may suggest their partner needs therapy to cope with their narcissism. Gaslighting their partner into believing they are the problem.When the truth is they have lied, cheated or kept things hidden to create insanity in their partner. When their partner finally snaps from being pushed to their breaking point. The covert narcissist will become the victim. Point back to all the bad behavior you, the true target, triggered in the relationship.The covert narcissist is a chameleon. They understand the intricacies of what narcissism is and they hide behind their mask and twist your reality and create chaos and drama in the relationship. Their egos feed off the supply of drama, all while maintaining the guise they are fed up with all the arguing and fighting of which they themselves have created.In most cases, they have done so in order to walk away from a relationship they detached from, but did not have the courage to be honest or communicate out of fear they would look bad or be seen as hurting someone. Because they are vain and cannot be seen as wrong. They must make you wrong, in order to be right. That is the ego feeding on itself and creating superiority. So, instead, they make the one who loves them the enemy in their story.They can walk away, feeling as though they have done nothing wrong and they can surround themselves with people who now ostracize and condemn the person who loved them completely.</article></body>

Manipulative Chameleons

How Covert Narcissists Gaslight & Cause Chaos

What came first, the music or the misery? People worry about kids playing with guns, or watching violent videos, that some sort of culture of violence will take them over. Nobody worries about kids listening to thousands, literally thousands of songs about heartbreak, rejection, pain, misery and loss. Did I listen to pop music because I was miserable? Or was I miserable because I listened to pop music?

This is the opening line from the 2000 Steven Frears film ‘High Fidelity’ starring John Cusack and Jack Black. The Nick Horby book, of the same name, from which the film was adapted has a different opening line.

“My desert-island, all-time, top five most memorable split-ups, in chronological order: 1. Alison Ashworth 2. Penny Hardwick 3. Jackie Allen 4. Charlie Nicholson 5. Sarah Kendrew.”

For guys watching the film or reading the book, it is not hard to find some parallels or characteristics of past girlfriends in each of the women on the list.

There is the “good girl”, “the one that got a way”, “the one who was too cool” and “the rebound”. In the film, they only mention four. The book goes into detail about Jackie Allen who Rob stole from his friend, or was rather having an affair with. Perhaps she would be the “taboo” or “elicite” lover that many guys have dated. The girl you weren’t “allowed” to have which made it all the more exciting.

But for all the connections and humor and truth in the film/ book, the thing it lacks is a deep dive into the mental and emotional aspects of each one. For all intent and purpose, Rob is a normal guy with insecurities about life and work and his relationship. If you had to label him, you may put him in the Anxious Avoidant catagory.

In one scene, he even states:

We dated for two years, and I never got comfortable. Why would a woman like Charlie, go out with me? I felt like a fraud. I felt like one of those people who suddenly shave their heads and say they’ve always been punks. I was sure I’d be discovered at any second. And I worried about my abilities as a lover. And I was intimitated by other men in her department and became convinced she was going to leave me for one of them. And then she left me for one of them.

Later, in the scene, Rob is outside Charlie’s window screaming. His anxious attachment style and her avoidant attachment triggering his narcissism and some insanity inside him that causes him to shout, “CHARLIE! YOU FUCKING BITCH! LET’S WORK IT OUT!”

The anxiously attached believe their abuser is the key to happiness. According to Kaleah LaRoache, “They are plagued by a strong need to reconnect with that person. This strong need to reconnect is not logical. It is a deeply entrenched emotional pattern. The avoidant’s behavior can be abusive and unacceptable but it doesn’t change the anxious person’s strong pull to reconnect. There is something deeply ingrained in the anxious person that feels their very survival depends upon their connection with that person.”

So, how does the Covert Narcissist command so much power over their partner? How did Rob go from functioning in his relationship with some degree of confidence to standing in the rain shouting insanity?

All narcissist are master manipulators. The covert narcissist or the avoidantly attached partner, which has some overlap with the covert narcissists are the most dangerous in their manipulation because they hide behind a mask of altruism.

Unlike their Overt counterpart, the Covert Narcissist is able to mask their narcissism, hiding in plain site. They may seem shy or quiet, while the overt narcissist is the center of attention and boisterous. They are able to use charm and have mastered the art of controlling their emotions unlike the overt narcissist who is wounded by any criticism. The covert narcissist is also wounded by such criticism equally, they simply hide their reactions and deal with the pain of such words privately.

Which is why the covert narcissist will hold grievances and make lists of enemies. Once you are listed, there is no apology or reconciliation with them. You are an enemy and the punishment is silence and exile.

The silent treatment is the covert narcissist greatest and most powerful weapon. According to the the website PsychCentral, the silent treatment is a form of emotional and psychological abuse that can force victims to change their behavior, make one feel ashamed, and causes emotional trauma. It can also cause long term pshycological truama in future relationships for the victim.

It is a threat to self-esteem. It is a form of power control and creating a sense of superiority over the victim. The Covert narcissist may give no reason for not communicating. If an explanation is given, the cause is always the victims fault, and nothing the abuser did.

Covert narcissist will never see anything they did as wrong, even in cases where they lied, cheated or caused pain for their victim. Covert narcissist are masters of gaslighting.

In a relationship, a Covert narcissist or avoidantly attached partner will often shut down emotionally. Putting up walls as a defense. They will cut of communication and intimacy with their partner and when confronted, say things like, “YOU’RE not emotionally available” or “You don’t care anymore” or “You aren’t attracted to me, you don’t think I’m sexy”.

All of this is projection. It is designed to cause confusion and keep you off balance. The Covert narcissist will create conflict or deflect conversations when confronted about their feelings or emotions. This is all purposeful, to keep you in a state of confusion and questioning your mental reality.

Covert narcissist will often blame their partner of being a narcissist, and point to vague examples you may not recall. Because, remember, the covert narcissist keeps a running list of every grievance. They may suggest their partner needs therapy to cope with their narcissism. Gaslighting their partner into believing they are the problem.

When the truth is they have lied, cheated or kept things hidden to create insanity in their partner. When their partner finally snaps from being pushed to their breaking point. The covert narcissist will become the victim. Point back to all the bad behavior you, the true target, triggered in the relationship.

The covert narcissist is a chameleon. They understand the intricacies of what narcissism is and they hide behind their mask and twist your reality and create chaos and drama in the relationship. Their egos feed off the supply of drama, all while maintaining the guise they are fed up with all the arguing and fighting of which they themselves have created.

In most cases, they have done so in order to walk away from a relationship they detached from, but did not have the courage to be honest or communicate out of fear they would look bad or be seen as hurting someone. Because they are vain and cannot be seen as wrong. They must make you wrong, in order to be right. That is the ego feeding on itself and creating superiority. So, instead, they make the one who loves them the enemy in their story.

They can walk away, feeling as though they have done nothing wrong and they can surround themselves with people who now ostracize and condemn the person who loved them completely.