Managing Relationship Anxiety Over the Holiday Season
How to get by when you and your partner are already struggling to connect.
by: E.B. Johnson
Being in a couple can be a fun experience at the holidays…or it can be your worst nightmare. That’s especially true when your anxieties are at an all-time high. When we don’t confront these issues as a team, they can spin out of of our control and turn into upset, conflict, and paranoia. The pressures of the holiday season can test our connection as a couple and make us second guess ourselves and the commitment we’ve made. Want to keep that bond strong? Want to make sure your relationship is resilient enough to bounce back after all the anxiety and aggravation? Be honest, open up, and work it out.
How relationship anxiety can manifest over the holidays.
Our relationship anxiety can play out differently across the holidays, thanks to the excess stress we’re all dealing with. Not only are we juggling the normal insecurities and pressures, but we are also dealing with additional material and social burdens asked of us at this time of the year. We can start questioning one another and find ourselves dealing with increased conflict and upset. To keep our relationships on track, we have to stay focused on our fundamental connection.
Questioning intentions
The holidays can be an uneasy time. Our anxiety is riding high as we flit in and out of social engagements and year-end deadlines. This can flare up our insecurities and cause our brains to focus on all the doubts that we have. Ruminating, we can find ourselves spiraling into paranoia. You can even begin questioning your partner’s intentions and reading into their words and actions. The longer these doubts remain unaddressed, the more conflict they can create.
Clinging too tightly
When your fears and insecurities are left to fester, you can react in strange ways. Fearing a breakup or abandonment over the holiday season, you may start to cling to your partner, demanding more of their validation and attention. In a sense, this is happening because you expect something to go wrong. You can also become increasingly pessimistic, paranoid, or sneaky in your behavior.
Increased conflict
Increased conflict is pretty standard in the stressed and anxious relationship. And that’s no different with the holidays looming down your neck. If you and your partner or spouse are struggling to deal with the holiday stress, you can lash out at each other. You can find over petty things and find yourselves in situations that you would never be in if it weren’t for the unique flavor of holiday stress.
Sabotaging the good stuff
You aren’t the only thing you sabotage. Even a good relationship gets sabotage by partners who are feeling insecure or anxious. Some partners become so fearful of their partner’s “certain” rejection that they work to push them away first (either subconsciously or consciously). Toxic behaviors increase and resentment sets in. If the sabotage is successful, your relationship doesn’t survive.
Second guessing compatibility
When you’re spending all your time fighting and punishing one another, it’s natural to second guess compatibility. Maybe this is your first season together, and tension is already at an all-time high. That might make you do a double-take. You might doubt yourself in the relationship moving forward. You might doubt your partner’s intentions towards you. When the holiday dust settles, however, both of you may see things differently.
Resentful nostalgia
Even through the stress, there’s a certain lightness and excitement that we expect over winter. The holidays come with a childish wander. Combined with the stress of the season, and you can find yourself looking back at the earlier stages of your relationship with a resentful sense of nostalgia. You long for that lighter, more hopeful version of yourselves that once existed before the pressure of showing up as partners.
Falling into comparison traps
Thanks to things like the Hallmark Channel and romanticized marketing, we can find our relationship under extra stress over the holidays. As a couple, we may feel pressured to show up in a certain way. But worst of all, we might fall into comparison traps. We start comparing ourselves to other “happier” couples, and even couples we see on TV or in the movies. These comparisons increase disappointment, resentment, and a host of other negative emotions.
Reluctant avoidance
Because of the mood and the reason behind our holiday celebrations, many of us become reluctant or avoidant when trouble arises. We don’t want to “stir things up” and we don’t want to wage wars when we’re spending time with family and friends. The problem with this avoidance, however, is that it gives our issues space to fester. And it also increases resentment and ill feeling.
Becoming a pushover
On the other end of conflict and upset, you can find yourself reverting to a fawning state. You insecurities at an all-time high, you might cling to your partner and become too accommodating . You become a pushover and allow them to rule the house and all the major decisions over the holiday season. That’s not fair, and it’s not right. Clinging and acquiescing won’t make the issues go away. Holiday season or not, stand up for yourself. Take up space.
How to manage relationship anxiety during the holiday season.
Don’t let the stress of the holiday season turn your anxieties into breakdowns. Save your partnership (and your sanity) by keeping yourself rooted in reality. Open up the lines of communication and keep them open. Remember to take time together and make plenty of room to get back to that fun-loving couple. Check in with one another regularly and make sure you hold the space and respect your boundaries as a couple and as individuals — holidays included.
1. Keep yourself rooted in reality
We have a tendency to fly away with the fairies during the holiday season. Fantasies get moved to the forefront, and our imaginations can run away with us in both good and bad ways. That’s certainly true in our relationships. Our insecurities and our doubts can run away with us. Combined with fantasies, it’s a nasty cocktail that can create paranoid and destructive behaviors we regret for the rest of the year.
Keep yourselves rooted in reality. Understand, everyone around you is just doing the best that they can. Literally everyone is dealing with holiday stress and not thinking about the things they normally worry about. This includes your partner. All those little paranoid fears and doubts? It’s highly likely they don’t share them.
Be realistic and pull yourself out of your ego. Don’t take every single thing your partner does or says personally. Learn to let things go and let them roll off your back when they’re not really materially important. Know that your internal dialogues are entirely different from the ones that your partner is having with themselves. Shifting to this new perspective is transformative and allows us to emotionally detach from a lot of the erroneous concerns that are aggravated by the stress of the season.
2. Open up the lines of communication
Open up the lines of communication and keep them flowing freely and honestly throughout the season. It’s more important than ever that you and your partner communicate. You need to talk about plans, feelings, what’s going on, and when you need help or extra support. Both of you need a safe space in one another where you can talk about the things that are important to you, or the issues that you’re facing as a couple.
Make yourself a safe space for your partner. Are you slow with them? Easy? Do you ask them a lot of questions? How are you being present and showing up in a way that makes it clear you want to connect with them? The same goes for your spouse or loved one, too. They need to make themselves a safe space for you to rest. That means making time to listen, not criticizing you, and helping you when the press of the season really comes down.
3. Remember to have fun together
We get so caught up in the rush and the expectation of the holiday season that we forget to stop and appreciate one another. You’re getting presents ready for the kids, and planning the perfect dinner or the perfect New Year’s Eve party. All while juggling personal and professional expectations. It’s easy to drift apart, and it’s even easier to become divided by minor rifts and upsets. That’s why it’s crucial for us to take that intentional time and center back around the reasons we connected in the first place.
Remember to have fun together, and to make intentional time for one-on-one connection. We get too wrapped up in everyone else, and we forget to tend to ourselves and our relationships. Your relationship still needs nurtured, and your spark still needs to be tended and fed. Make intentional space for it.
Date nights and quality time in still apply here. You both have to stop and give your bonds space to flourish. Keep it simple and don’t add more stress. You don’t have to break the bank or anything here. Both of you simply have to make time in your holiday schedules to get quality time alone. Feed your intimate relationship. Make sure your needs are getting met. Use the time to communicate, laugh, and remember why you’re here in the first place.
4. Make regular check-ins a thing
Listen, no couple can keep it all together over the holiday season. There’s too many moving pieces and we’re certain to end up exhausted, confused, and outright frustrated. In order for us to keep our partnership on a forward moving path, we have to make regular checks in a thing. More than spending quality time together, we’ve got to stop weekly and make sure everyone is still hanging on and doing well.
Schedule time each week for a quick check in with each other. This doesn’t have to be some grand gesture. It can happen over morning coffee before you go to work. Check in, ask questions, and take an inventory of what’s going on. How are you both feeling? Do you need your partner’s help? Is there something that could make your holiday season more enjoyable or smooth? Dial in and tune in to each other so you can ensure you’re standing on the same page.
5. Don’t let holidays push boundaries
We let a lot of stuff slide over the holiday seasons. We allow our families to get away with a lot more disrespect, and we can do the same with our partners. Not everyone has the courage (or the safety) to speak up and speak out when their partners push them to the edge. All the same, we have to make sure we’re working as hard to protect ourselves during the holiday season as at any other time. All the same rules still apply. You still deserve to be respected and appreciated.
Don’t let the holidays dissolve your boundaries. The same boundaries, limits, and expectations apply — no matter the season. No one gets a free pass on their commitment or their role as a decent partner just because it’s a certain time of the year. They still have to respect you and treat you like their equal and their friend.
Keep your foot down. Don’t allow the skirmishes and the upsets to dissolve your respect and honor for self. Don’t go chasing after your partner or turn yourself into a doormat. Being a pushover won’t course correct what’s happening in the chaos. If you need to put a pin in it, put a pin in it and come back after the holidays when you’re ready to have a serious conversation. Make it clear, though, that you’re not willing to compromise on core needs…and you certainly don’t have to chase anyone no matter what time of year it is.
Putting it all together…
Relationship anxiety can be at a major high during the holiday season. There are a lot of excess demands on our time, energy, and focus. That takes away from the space and the emotional power we have to give to our partners. Being in that place is dangerous. The cracks and divides become bigger and can destroy our relationships. Want to keep things on track? Want to survive as a team without falling apart? Both of you have to take action and make space for each other.
Keep both of yourselves rooted in reality. Sometimes the issues we face over the season are major, and sometimes they’re just the result of our frustration and holiday exhaustion. Know what you’re dealing with. Then, you can keep the channels of communication open. Make time to have fun together, no matter how busy your schedules are. Prioritize your partnerships. Every week, make sure you’re checking in. Is everything okay? Are there any issues that need to be addressed? Work as a team, but don’t let your partner push your boundaries. Respect and civility still apply, no matter what the holiday stress is doing to either of you. Hold each other in compassion and recall the love that bonds you and the future you hold dear.