Bummer, dude
Mallshark launches Schadenfreude© Greeting Card Line
Sorry to hear about your girlfriend — hey, can I have her number?
Mallshark Card, Inc.™, a global leader in mawkish sentiment, believes that when you care — really care — you prop up our bottom line. When loved ones celebrate, we all share the joy — at $3.95 a pop, the Street freakin’ loves us.
But we really celebrate when those we pretend to like but frankly loathe, stumble. Horribly. Screw the pooch. Faceplant. Epic fail. george w. bushville.
That’s why we’ve launched Schadenfreude©, a disruptive new line of greeting cards for caring people to relish the misery of frenemies. Some call it faux empathy. Let’s call a spade a shovel. Schadenfreude is the new empathy.
Check out Schadenfreude© in action.
You’re Fired
That schrutebag Dwight’s got his beezer so far up the VP’s rectum, he breathes through a snorkel. Dude gives you the stink-eye whenever you clear your throat. In the most compelling proof that God exists since Thomas Aquinas penned the Summa Theologica, Dwight got cashiered for creative accounting. Let your pal know you’ve got his back.
He just wasn’t — you know
My fiancé this. My fiancé that. 🤮.
Your fiancé fell for a hedge fund manager while you were blathering on about your fiancé this’ing and that’ing.
Welcome to Tinder, pumpkin.
Startup tanked
At the end of the day, it’s the end of your day. Never moved the needle on the low-hanging fruit. For a guy who gave it 110%, arithmetic wasn’t your forté. Time for a paradigm shift. Next time you wade into the blue ocean, bring a rubber dinghy.
I’d take it offline, but you’ve already done so. And then some.
And piles to soothe before you sleep
This card speaks for itself. Disclaimer: Mallshark collects a modest product placement fee from Pfizer, and gets free factory seconds.
Tax audit
Don’t want to say I told you so but did I not mention that the $197,392 you made shilling Dogecoin — and kartrashianed about relentlessly on Twitter I might add— was taxable? Ouch! Too soon right?
Just for the record, pretty sure I outlined the relevant state and federal statutes on Tuesday, February 9, 2021. From 5:52 pm to 6:43 pm. Or thereabout. I urged you to take notes. You were absorbed in Total War: Warhammer 3 — specifically, annihilating Nurgle, the plague god.
To avoid confusion, I recorded our conversation. Text me if you’d like the YouTube link. A bit long for TikTok, I’m afraid.
Track me down if you need a suit and tie for the meeting. I imagine you’ll be selling yours, along with the bulk of your wardrobe, plus the Rolex.
Put that suede jacket aside for me? I’ll give you fifty bucks. OK, sixty, I know you’re short. No, I mean on cash.
Leveraging Schadenfreude©’s success, Mallshark is bringing the concept to its movie channel. Feeling warm and fuzzy actually isn’t about finding your roots in Maple Cedar Springs. Or burly plaid-shirted craftsmen who make hand-tooled cherry cabinets and look like Ryan Reynolds. Or overcoming material ambitions to rediscover traditional values just in time for Christmas.
What really leaves you warm and fuzzy is watching that snide poison-tongued Porsche salesman Simon Cowell blowing his entire 401K on some greasy NFT rug pull. Then contracting head lice from some retro fedora he borrowed to chat up your niece.
Starring Simon Cowell as Simon Cowell with Shia LaBeouf as the craftsman-turned-Boogaloo doing 3–5 at FCI Edgefield. For taking selfies in Nancy Pelosi’s office, with his scuffed Doc Martens steel toes propped up on the credenza.
Bummer, dude.
