Male Violence Isn’t The Fault of Women Not Giving Them Sex

I hear this excuse in prison a lot and I’m sick of the rhetoric.

Between calls for state-mandated girlfriends, incel forums, and manifestos left by perpetrators of mass shootings, the world would have you believe that if these poor young men could just get laid, they’d stop wreaking havoc on everyone. I even hear it in prison, from self-proclaimed protectors of women and children — but please don’t get it twisted, these are the same men who I also hear screaming at their partners on the phone day in and day out, calling them names I just won't repeat, who also don’t pay child support, and worse.

While a lot of the men here in prison swear up and down that sex offenders are the worst of the worst, they’re the same ones who believe they are entitled to sex from any woman they put their eyes on. I’m not quite sure how you can’t see this is literally the same thing.

I tried to have a civil conversation one day with a man here who made the statement once about “taking what was his” from a young woman. Years ago at a party, an underage girl was drunk. They’d been talking earlier in the evening and engaged in some kissing and fondling. They were both drinking, this man was 19, and she was 17. She passed out. He had sex with her. In his mind, this was his right, as she gave him “the go-ahead” earlier by “turning him on”. It didn’t matter to him that she was passed out drunk, nor that she was under 18.

Nothing I said could dissuade him from his belief that he had not only broken the law but also, that he completely bypassed consent. He just refused to believe that he had raped this girl. And he’s one of the men in here who yells the loudest about “chomo this and chomo that”, yet, had he been caught and charged with the crime he committed, he would technically be exactly what he yells about every single day.

Men like this exist within these walls everywhere. But because they were never charged, they think what they’ve done is perfectly fine. In fact, they believe they’re macho and entitled to the sex they get. And when they don’t get that sex, they still think they were entitled to it because the girl or woman “promised it” to them in some way. And when they become violent as a result of it, that’s the fault of the woman, too.

But in reality, it’s not the fault of the women, not in the slightest.

It’s past time for men to start taking personal accountability for their actions and stop blaming women for the things they choose to do.

Katie Jgln recently wrote about this insane phenomenon. My wife, Demeter read most of the essay to me and I wish I could say I was shocked at what she read, but sadly, I was not. I’ve become a big fan of Katie’s thanks to my wife, she’s insightful and well-read, and although what she writes about pisses me off because of how fucked up the world is, she does a really great job explaining it.

It’s women’s fault they now set ‘impossibly high standards’ for men driving them to do all sorts of violent things out of loneliness and desperation. And it’s women’s fault they… dare to exist, and their mere existence is sometimes enough to ‘light the fuse’ and tempt otherwise lovely men into raping and murdering them. — Katie Jgln (source)

Here’s what I know, as someone who has a penis. I love sex. It’s fantastic. I’m surrounded by other people with penises. Guess what? I haven’t had sex with another person in 20 months. My good friend B hasn’t had sex with another person in 5.5 years. Neither of us has committed any violent acts in that time.

I can’t speak for B, but I’m pretty sure he probably masturbates. TMI, I do. It’s natural and normal. I also can’t speak for the incels or others who are out there committing these violent acts in the news, but I’m pretty sure they masturbate, so they’re getting release somehow. But according to them, they’re not having sex with women, and that’s their sole problem.

Well, neither are we, yet, somehow, being in a much more fucked up situation (being incarcerated), we are not committing violent acts.

Yes, there are men in here who are violent. And yes, there are also men in here who blame the women in their lives for their problems. I hear it daily. They get off the phone and slam it into the wall. They throw their possessions against the wall, break things, punch walls, punch their bunks, and do other dumb things.

But for the most part, it’s minor things. They aren’t inciting violence to the level of mass shootings. And they aren’t writing manifestos stating that all women aren’t entitled to safety if all men aren’t getting sex.

As Katie pointed out: In addition to implying that women aren’t entitled to safety since men aren’t entitled to sex, he wrote that ‘if men cannot be creators of society, they will be destroyers of society’ and ‘it’s up to society which role they want us to follow.’

Later on, he also added that ‘there’s no real motivation to bother trying, to be a hard worker, to be civilized when your reward at the end of the day is to get married to used goods who is likely only settling for you because she’s aged past her prime.’

It’s scary to think there are so many men who truly believe this kind of thinking. Yet, men like me, who want nothing more than to rid this world of a patriarchal society, are locked behind bars. Makes you think, doesn’t it?

Damian Delune is currently incarcerated. His wife, Demeter publishes his work. He doesn’t have access to the internet or computers within the prison. If you would like to help keep him in contact with those he loves, you can do so here or here.

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