avatarAmy Sea

Summary

Mateo, a man who has recently been fully vaccinated, faces unexpected and unwanted attention and consequences after sharing his vaccination status on Facebook, leading him to regret his decision to post about it.

Abstract

Mateo, after posting about his full vaccination on Facebook, finds his mailbox inundated with messages ranging from invitations to view a firepit to more explicit advances, as well as a request to babysit and a summons to address workplace misconduct. Overwhelmed by the responses, he reflects on the unintended consequences of his post and the loss of anonymity and excuses the pandemic provided. The situation prompts him to consider fabricating an illness to regain his privacy and freedom from social obligations.

Opinions

  • Mateo views his full vaccination as a mistake due to the influx of social invitations and responsibilities it brings.
  • He is bewildered by the sexual innuendos and forwardness in the messages he receives, questioning the etiquette and implications of such invitations.
  • Mateo feels that the pandemic provided a convenient excuse to avoid social interactions and is dismayed that the vaccine has removed this buffer.
  • The protagonist is skeptical about the sincerity of the messages, particularly those with sexual undertones or those that reference past encounters.
  • Mateo is frustrated with the loss of privacy and the new expectations placed upon him now that he has publicly announced his vaccination status.
  • He contemplates posting about a fictitious illness to reclaim his personal space and avoid the increased social demands.

Full Mailbox Humor

Male Slut Regrets Self-Congratulatory Post

Don’t hate the whore, hate the stale sexual innuendo

Photo by henri meilhac on Unsplash

Mateo seriously regrets posting his second vaccination. Normally, he is all text, but his mailbox filled up so quickly after his Facebook announcement, that his phone froze.

What the hell else have I got to do? he thought, listening to his voicemails before he deleted them, for the first time ever.

Beep.

Hey stranger. I see you’re fully vaccinated. Ready to come to check out my new firepit? Let’s heat things up, shall we?

Who the hell was that? Shall we? How old was that woman? And who wants to see anyone else’s firepit? Is that a thing? Is it sexual? Is it literal? Are we cavemen? Is heated indoors no longer happening? What’s the deal with firepits? Should I have one?

Beep.

Hey Matty, it’s Grace from high school. I’ve been so isolated during the pandem and wink wink, my plumbing is totally on the fritz. I saw you were fully vaxxed. Me too! I was wondering if you could come over and clean out my pipes. Lol. Oh, I had my tits done pre-pandem. I haven’t shown anyone yet. Here’s a sneak peek. Call me.

Yeesh. Why did he have to take a vaccine card selfie, then surround his face with that stupid fully vaccinated circle frame? What happened to him? Was he going to start posting people he slept with, his face surrounded by a circle frame? Screwed by Katie. Circle frame. Got wasted. Circle frame.

Beep.

Hey man. It’s Todd. Remember how my wife left me during the Pandemic, because you made me go out all those times and sleep with other women? You said you’d come over and watch my kids, once you were fully vaccinated? I saw your FB post. Congratulations. How soon can you be here?

Beep.

Ciao! It’s Ingram. Remember me? We met at Schubba’s right before the Pandemic? We had such a wonderful romantic evening together. I was wondering if you were still interested in love? I understand you needed to be safe and protect your aging grandparents during the pandemic, you good boy. But you told me, once you were fully vaccinated, we could definitely hook up again. I saw on FB you were fully dosed. Me too! I’m ready. Let’s fall in love.

Vaccine passport? Jesus. More like a vaccine stalker invitation. Mateo hadn’t appreciated his freedom as a potential COVID carrier. He hadn’t valued the peace of mind, the lack of responsibility, the built-in excuse to treat people like garbage without anyone whining. The pandemic had set him free and the vaccine had locked him up again.

Beep.

Hey asshole! It’s me, Alex. I know you said you live with an immune-compromised pet, but I’m starting to wonder if that’s actually a thing. Anyway, you really need to come back to the office, asshole. I saw you were fully vaxxed. Nice photo douchebag.

Beep.

Hello, Mateo. It’s Human Resources. I know we said we’d put off any complaints until after the pandemic, but I see you're fully vaccinated now! Congrats! It’s a good look on you. Anyway, can you come in for a sort of mini-trial regarding your lewd behavior around female employees? We’re open all the time. The sooner the better.

Fuck it, Mateo thought, I’m posting I have gonorrhea. That ought to buy me some time. I wonder if Facebook can create a frame for that little announcement.

Satire
Humor
Sex
Muddyum
Funny Girl
Recommended from ReadMedium
avatarHeather Talty
Daily Itinerary of Someone Who Just Started Drinking More Water

Excuse me, where’s the restroom?

4 min read
avatarErin A Ross
My Bachelorette Party Will Be Different Because I Plan To Cheat On My Fiancé

Check the Google Doc for more details chica!

4 min read
avatarAu Naturel
The Bare to Breakers

Be warned… NSFW images below. Don’t go here if nudity offends. But anyone who has followed by blog for long knows I am prone to lose my…

7 min read
avatarPatrick Metzger
Things I Grew Up With That Seem Weird As Fuck Now

Kids today will never experience the joy of cock-blocking semi-feral canines

4 min read
avatarColleen Sheehy Orme
My Friend Walked in on Her Boyfriend With Another Woman

You can’t make up a story like this

4 min read
avatarKyrie Gray
Updates to the Terms and Conditions of Our Relationship

I’d like to make sure we’re on the same page as a couple in the most ironclad way possible

4 min read