avatarKen Martin

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Making Peace With My Worst Critic

Learning to be Content with Yourself Is Hard Work but Highly Rewarding

Image: Colton Sturgeon on Unsplash

I’ve never been satisfied with myself and I know I’m not alone in this. What is the cause of this discontentment? Why is it so easy to view ourselves as underperformers, people who are not living up to expectations?

Our Inner Voice Starts Early

I was taught to expect a great deal from myself, that failure was a thing I should not tolerate. Failure was shameful. Many of us were inculcated with the same message.

The word “failure” grew to include oversights, missteps, minor wrongdoing, faux pas, even a second-place finish. Failure became anything that was less than perfect.

My memory has preserved all these shortcomings in living detail. A life’s worth! At any given moment, my mental library can pull up the memory that best fits my current situation.

That sounds worse than it is, but the shortfalls in life seem to command more memory than the achievements. Why are we programmed to brush off positive accomplishments while tightly holding onto disappointments?

Perfectionism Is Not Perfect

This thinking seems to stem from perfectionism, the notion that we can be perfect if only we try hard enough. This is deeply ingrained. At an early age we were taught the overarching principle: anything short of perfect is unacceptable and should be used as motivation to spur us on to greater heights.

To be sure setting high standards is a positive thing, but self-forgiveness must be included as an essential component.

Self-forgiveness might come easier if we were to develop a few new habits and nurturing thought processes. The following three resolutions point in that direction.

Three Resolutions Toward a Better Self-Image

Resolve to be a recovering perfectionist. Resist the temptation to re-write the article one more (the twenty-second) time. Refrain from sweeping up that handful of leaves that had the effrontery to spoil an otherwise pure-green lawn. In short, resolve to come up short, and then be happy that you were able to do that.

Image: Elia Pellegrini on Unsplash

Coming up short is a new trick, a new behavior, and it’s difficult to master. That’s okay, we don’t have to master it, just embrace it once in a while. Give it a good hug.

Resolve to “do” less and “be” more. In his hometown Henry David Thoreau was looked down on as a bit of a layabout who would never amount to anything. He wasn’t a doer, he was more of a be-er.

We should learn from Thoreau. Live in the present. Experience it with all our senses opened to their widest aperture. Enjoy the moment without jumping up and racing over to do something we can cross off our list.

Too much of our time is spent churning about, stewing over past failures, or fretting about future tasks. Savor the wonder of now. Be in the present.

Resolve to like yourself a little more every day. Identify things you are doing well, and be happy with your level of performance, whatever it is. Take time to celebrate positive thoughts, daydreams, poetry, idle time. Be enlivened, be enthused with your new outlook.

Lyricist Linda Creed penned and Whitney Houston sang, “learning to love yourself is the greatest love of all.” Attach to your mirror in large letters, “I Love This Person.” Mean it. Live it. Never take it back.

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