Making More Money Than My Partner Made Me Feel Uncomfortable

Recognizing our own biases can help build a more equitable future.

Recently I received an offer from my dream job. And the offer was amazing. Truly. However, with deep pain, I am writing this to say that I felt uncomfortable earning more money than my partner currently earns. Like somehow I was getting more than I deserved.

Despite having worked for two years to get this job, and despite working a part time job as well on top of my current full time position, I still felt uncomfortable. Which makes no logical sense.

It’s almost physically painful to start writing about thoughts that I’m ashamed of. And this is one thought I am very ashamed of. I think it’s because I don’t hear about it and I feel alone in this.

As someone who considers herself a feminist and supporter of other women, having to think about this made me feel like I no longer should belong to a group of amazing women who fight for equality. As if by having this thought, that I don’t even want, I am letting them down by associating myself with them.

But having read stories about other people’s own insecurities made me slightly more eager and comfortable to write about my own. To explore why I felt that way and what I can do about it to combat it and get past it.

How I Felt After Getting That Dream Job

Getting this job was no easy feat for me, let me tell you. It’s a position I have applied for and have been rejected for countless times over the past two years. After spending those two years studying, applying, failing the interviews and going through the process over and over again, I finally received a job offer.

I have imagined that moment for so long. I have imagined what I would say. I’ve daydreamed what I would make my desk look like, what I would wear to work (pre-covid times when attire mattered a bit more than work from home attire), and what accomplishments I will achieve within the company.

And yes, my initial thoughts were disbelief mixed with pride and joy. All the colors in the room suddenly became a little brighter, I felt myself smiling without realizing I was doing it, and my heart was pounding from happiness!

And then they mentioned the salary! It was generous. And I mean very generous! I knew it would be high (the interview was hard for a reason I suppose), but I did not think it would exceed my own expectations.

However, my next thought, I am ashamed to say, was not one I was raised to think or what I would raise my own kids to think.

I felt some sort of discomfort and slight shame.

I tried to find the source of that. I was not ashamed to tell my male coworkers or my family or friends. I knew how hard I worked for this. It makes sense to feel discomfort if you unexpectedly start getting paid for something that you think you don’t deserve. But I was not getting paid more than my male coworkers. And I definitely put in the work. While the salary was amazing, it was not insane for the company. In fact, it was within the norm.

I simply felt bad about making more money than my partner.

Where did it come from? I have never had parents who placed sexist expectations on me. If anything, growing up with a family made up of primarily women has shown me how strong and amazing women are. I am dating the most amazing man too, who like me supports women and has deeply rooted beliefs about equality for everyone. It’s why I am so attracted to him in the first place.

Whatever the reason is, I knew I needed to think about it more.

Being Confronted With My Own Bias

As a result of having this feeling I’ve been reading about implicit and explicit biases. Here are some very brief explanations of implicit vs explicit biases and why I think it’s so vital to recognize our own implicit biases to build a much more equitable society for ourselves and for others.

An implicit bias is used to describe when we have attitudes towards people or associate stereotypes with them without our conscious knowledge. — Perception Institute on Implicit Bias

I don’t know the reason behind my own implicit bias. I’ve never thought it was odd when my female friends earned more than their male partners. It’s why I was caught off guard.

This bias does not seem to be against women being capable of earning more than men. Not at all. I adore reading success stories of other women who achieve amazing things in male dominated fields. And I have not been taught that men need to be the breadwinners in the family, at least not directly. Society on the other hand could be a culprit.

In fact, growing up I studied hard to be able to earn a great income when I got out of college to be able to support myself and contribute my fair share to society. I was raised by an amazing mother and grandmother who have been an integral part in developing my beliefs around equality for women. Why would I feel bad for earning more than my partner?

Why Do I Have This Bias?

My theory is that I always keep reading how men earn more than women. That always fueled a desire for me to push myself to earn at least just as much and motivate other women who want the same. I suppose a part of my own thoughts started getting used to the idea that men earn more. Without me realizing it I must have started expecting him to earn more, or I guess expecting myself to earn less.

This is just a theory. I will probably never know why I felt discomfort about it.

But here is where the vital part comes in.

• Allowing this thought to grow by not acknowledging it makes room for more women to feel the same way and to justify unfair treatment toward themselves, like less pay.
• If I don’t do anything about it, I am willingly building a barrier for all my equality beliefs. Fighting for equality is not comfortable all the time because of this, and with all my other attempts I have always felt comfortable. It’s finding these beliefs we don’t often read about that is important. The ones that linger in the shadows.

Why It’s Crucial To Acknowledge We Have These Biases Despite How Ashamed They Make Us Feel

This is where we can convert our implicit biases into explicit biases.

An explicit bias refers to the attitudes and beliefs we have about a person or group on a conscious level. — Perception Institute on Explicit Bias

Figuring out why something like our own achievements make us feel uncomfortable, like we somehow don’t deserve it, allows us to convert our subconscious beliefs into conscious ones.

By recognizing these biases we can make conscious choices on how to act toward ourselves as well as other people. The real damage occurs when we get so used to ignoring these beliefs that our actions reflect them without us meaning to and as a result hurt others, as well as ourselves.

It is uncomfortable to acknowledge these feelings. It’s uncomfortable for me to even write this story, knowing people are reading it right now. But I would feel like a failure if I passively built up barriers against myself and other women, while also actively trying to be a part of creating a fairer world.

Final Thoughts

Having implicit biases is not something we control or want (hopefully), but once we become aware of them, we can choose how we want to act. Those actions will determine who we become as people, what we achieve, and how much we can contribute to building a much better society for everyone.

There is a beautiful lyric that captures how it felt getting that offer and what I wish everyone would feel.

“The night you dance like you knew our lives would never be the same.” — Long Live, Taylor Swift