Making a Change is Not Giving Up
It’s ok to move on from things that make you unhappy.
A lot of us get caught in this trap of not wanting to make a change because we think in doing so we’ll be “giving up.” Like if we don’t stick something out even though it’s making us unhappy, then we are somehow weaker for it. We never seem to think about the fact that making a change, even though it’s hard and goes against everything you said you would do, is one of the bravest things there is.
Change is really hard, but sometimes, it’s insanely necessary.
For most of my life, I had a plan: be a writer and live in New York City. I grew up outside of New York, and it seemed like the perfect city for me. Fast-paced. Driven. Romantic. Looking up at the huge billboards and flashing lights high above my head, little me was full of dreams. As I got older and the dream got closer, there was no doubt. New York was the city for me, and there was no escape plan needed. There would never be a reality where New York and I didn’t work out. There would be no divorce. My marriage to New York City would go down in history as one of the most meant to be things there ever was.
But of course, it didn’t.
I arrived and settled into New York with all of the love I had always had for it. The first few months were textbook honeymoon phase, which I translated as destiny. I went to The Metropolitan Museum of Art by myself and read poetry in front of classic paintings. I took daylong walks through Central Park while eating three-dollar ice cream cones. I went on dates in tiny bars in the West Village. I was a dorky cliche of a New Yorker and I couldn’t have been happier. I envisioned my future as a sleek, put together, confident New York City resident. I planned. I schemed. I dreamed.
And eventually, I faltered.
As the summer ended, so did my brief infatuation with New York. Although, I suppose I still loved it. I suppose I will always love New York in some kind of way. The energy and the lights and the mishmash of people will always appeal to me. But somewhere amid the new adventures and the day-to-day routine, I began to feel something I never thought I would feel in that big, majestic city: alone.
At first, I refused to admit it, but somewhere deep inside my heart, buried beneath all of my New York City dreams, I began to realize that maybe the city and I weren’t as ready for our love affair as we’d thought. I had planned for years and years of East Coast city living bliss, but a thought had begun to take root in my mind that I was terrified to even consider.
What if I left?
Impossible though, right? I had invested so much in New York. I had spent months researching neighborhoods and apartments. I’d bought furniture and kitchenware and huge plastic margarita glasses. I even had a cat, who loved looking out the picture windows of our apartment to the skyline beyond. I had roommates and a job and a lasting commitment. Even if I waited a year, even then, how could I just abandon this dream I’d had for eons, just because I wasn’t happy?
How could I let down everyone I had ever told about my dream? And me, too. I’d be letting down me. Leaving New York would feel so much like giving up.
But that was wrong. It’s not giving up if it’s what’s best for you.
You can leave whenever you want. Our feelings often tell us otherwise, but it’s true. You don’t have to stay somewhere, in a job or a city or a relationship, just because you think you are obligated to. You are not obligated to do anything. But, you have roommates, your brain protests. You have a good job that relies on you. You have history. There’s family. There are friends. You can’t just leave all that. How irresponsible would that be?
These thoughts echoed in my mind as I pictured the map of the world and all the places in it, all the places that might make me so much less anxious than the city of my dreams. All the places that might fit me better in that moment, as opposed to New York, a city that might not be meant to fit me at all.
We are not obligated to anything or anyone. Not really. We of course take into account what is best for our family and friends and don’t do anything to harm them, but still. The one obligation that you have, that you were born with, that your life depends on, is to yourself. You are obligated to do the best you can to keep yourself healthy, happy, and above all, safe.
If you think your mental health might depend on it, leave. Pick up everything and change your whole life. Your mental health is worth anything and everything. Always. It doesn’t matter what promises you made to yourself long ago. Are those promises getting in the way of your ability to grow and heal? Break them. Change them. Throw them to the goddamn wind because nothing is worth your unhappiness.
Staying at a job that makes you miserable is not benefitting you. Living in a city that you are never happy to come home to does not benefit you. Staying in a relationship that’s stifling who you truly are does not benefit you. Unless something is directly related to your health and wellbeing, you do not have to do it if it makes you unhappy. This is one of the truest things I will ever say. We don’t have to be unhappy. We are not obligated to stay.
It’s ok to move to where all your friends are, and it’s ok to not. It’s ok to do the job you always dreamed of doing, and it’s ok to not. It’s ok to admit that maybe, the decision you made wasn’t what you thought it was going to be. That’s totally ok. You can change it.
In the end, I left New York, and I’ll never regret it. I left behind a city that was suffocating me and traded it in for a new city, a place that had never before been a part of my plan: Los Angeles. I’ve lived here for over four years now, and I’m continuously surprised by how well it fits me. Little me had big dreams of a big city, and while the picture doesn’t look exactly the way I thought it would, there are some pretty important similarities. I’m in a city I love. I have a wonderful support system. I have a great job. I’m writing. I’m happy.
Once I left and settled into a new life, I realized that New York City will never be meant for me. It didn’t end up fitting, and that’s perfectly ok. I’m so grateful that I left when I did. I didn’t stay too long and become bitter and hateful towards the city that was once my dream.
The first few times I went back to New York I had the same feeling of being small and suffocated, but finally one day I went back for just a day, and for the first time in a long time, I was able to smile at New York. I walked through Washington Square Park and down charming, tree-lined streets and remembered the good times, and for the first time, I was thankful for New York. Thankful for what it taught me, and thankful for the little pieces of it I took with me. I left, and that’s ok. I know it was the right choice for me.
I made a huge change. I uprooted my life and moved it across the country because I knew it was what I needed. I knew it would make me happier, and none of us should ever sacrifice our own happiness, for anything. Need a change? Make it.
You are not letting anyone down — you are doing what it takes to lift yourself up.