Make These 15 Agreements With Your Partner For An Even Happier Relationship

Are you asking for what you need?

The idea of “agreements” doesn’t sound particularly romantic — almost as if you’re laying down ground rules or parameters for an intimate relationship. However, I believe that having a mutual understanding of each other’s expectations, wants, needs, desires, and even boundaries can help enhance the romance over time, as you consistently check in to make sure that both of you are happy and fulfilled in life and in love.

Just imagine if we all sat down and clearly communicated the above to our partners, and listened in return, free of judgment. How vastly could our relationships be improved? Or, more importantly still, how much sooner could we recognize a lack of compatibility, and save years of heartache down the road?

Let’s discuss some of the important agreements that can help to build a happier and healthier union. Feel free to share others you’ve implemented in the comments.

1: We will show each other DAILY appreciation and gratitude.

Yes — daily.

When you really break it down, doing something like this every day isn’t as daunting as it seems. It doesn’t take much to help someone feel valued, appreciated, and recognized — just a few small words of gratitude or a hug to let them know that you see their efforts.

“James, if it’s that small, why’s it such a big deal?”

Well, it’s a big deal because it’s a small thing.

It’s easy to overlook, to pass by each other all day every day, to just understand each other’s roles in the household and the relationship and continue along your day because, well, that’s just what your partner does.

The truth is, though, that everyone wants to feel appreciated. Nobody, no matter how kindhearted or altruistic, wants to keep putting in effort for another person if they think it’s being taken for granted or unrecognized.

“James, how can I find something to be grateful for every day?”

It’s easy.

“Thank you for taking out the trash.”

“I really appreciate you making dinner tonight.”

“I know you were overwhelmed today so still making the time for XYZ really meant a lot to me.”

Recognizing the small and (seemingly) mundane parts of life are very often the ones that make a partner feel so seen because they are small. It shows you’re willing to go the extra mile to acknowledge something that most people wouldn’t, which is exactly what makes it so special.

2: We will find a hobby or interest to share together.

I believe that balance is important when it comes to your recreational interests in a relationship.

Meaning — it’s good for you to have “your own stuff”!

It’s nice to be able to go off on your own, or get together with friends, or enjoy something that, frankly, your partner may not care one iota about.

However, too much of this can create too deep of a divide between you and make your partner feel like you’re living an entirely separate life outside of your relationship.

While you may not share all of the same interests, there are bound to be some things that you have in common — otherwise, why are you even with this person?!

I understand that life is crazy, your business is demanding, the kids need all of your attention, and the pile of laundry is starting to look a little bit like Everest…but, life is meant to be lived, and we simply must find ways to enjoy it alongside of our partner.

Find or create an activity or hobby that you both enjoy, and make sure to spend dedicated time completely immersed in it. Try new things. Explore. Have fun. Be open-minded.

Do something they like, and then have them do something you like.

Compromise. Find a balance. Enjoy each other’s company. Otherwise, what’s the point?

3: We will spend daily quality time together.

Sharing hobbies and interests are important, but the reality is that you likely won’t be able to indulge every single day. Some of you will if you’re self-employed, enjoy passive income, or retired. For others, though, hobbies may be reserved for weekends or an evening during the week.

What about the rest of the days, then?

It’s important to find time each day to just exist with each other, even if it’s for a few minutes or an hour.

Coffee at 6:00AM.

A glass of wine at 6:00PM.

Your favorite Netflix show at 7:00PM.

A few minutes cuddling together before you fall asleep.

Whatever it is that works for you, it’s important to make time to slow down each day and exist in the same universe together. Connect with each other. Let go of the worries of the day and just be there. It’ll help you feel more connected, and remember who is at the center of this life journey with you.

4: We will address (and resolve) conflicts as they arise.

That is to say…not letting something fester and build up over time until it explodes.

“James, shouldn’t we strive to avoid conflict altogether?!”

Ha! Haaa!

Yes, in a perfect world, you’d never experience conflict in your relationship…but alas, we all must live here in reality where disagreements (unfortunately) will happen. They’ll happen no matter how happy or healthy your relationship is — this is simply a product of intertwining two people’s lives together, sharing space, and finding a compromise with values, beliefs, and worldviews.

That’s okay, though! Disagreements are natural — and as long as they’re handled in healthy and productive ways (more on this later), they can actually serve as a bonding experience as you both learn a little more about each other.

The point here is to make the mutual agreement to address issues before they accumulate or blow up into something out of proportion.

This can be a challenge for anyone who was brought up to “keep the peace,” to “stay quiet,” or to “avoid conflict” under the assumption that things will just “work themselves out.”

I know that was a lot of quotation marks, but hey, you get the idea.

The truth is that you can either avoid a problem, or you can solve it — but you can’t do both.

5: We’re going to have a lot of sexy sex sexxxx.

Alright, listen — we all know that sex is not the most important thing in a relationship.

However, we’re all adults here (hopefully…) and can also admit that sex is a bit like oxygen…

It doesn’t seem like that big of a deal until you’re not getting any.

Now, it’s important to note that a “healthy sex life” looks different for everyone. There is no “right” or “wrong” in this area. We all have our own wants, needs, desires, and expectations.

Part of entering into a monogamous intimate relationship, though, is understanding these expectations both from yourself and from your partner.

It’s communicating them.

It’s honoring them.

It’s prioritizing them.

It’s making sure that neither of you feel unwanted, or that your needs are being neglected.

It doesn’t matter if your physical intimacy is daily, weekly, or monthly — as long as you’re both happy and fulfilled in it.

6: We will set and pursue goals together as a couple.

You are a team, after all, and teams operate best when they’re working towards a common goal.

Depending on what phase of life you’re in, these goals can obviously be drastically different. Perhaps it’s to buy your first house. Perhaps it’s to buy your 9th house. Maybe it’s to plan that Italy trip next year, or maybe, it’s just to get out to dinner once a month.

Regardless of the magnitude, having something to look forward to together — and work towards together, will help to keep you both driven, accountable, and connected.

7: We will set and pursue INDIVIDUAL goals.

Yes, it’s important that you both have something to work for as a couple, but it’s also important that you have your own individual passions, dreams, and desires.

In fact, it may be even more important than your shared goals, because maintaining your own direction in life is vital to feeling fulfilled.

A relationship is like a Venn diagram: You’ve both got your own circles, and then the overlapping piece where your relationship lives. All of which must be properly nourished, maintained, and cultivated.

8: We will CALMLY and respectfully communicate to the best of our abilities.

In point #4 I discussed the importance of healthy conflict resolution.

I believe that there must be a mutual promise made in a relationship that both partners do their absolute best, with every fiber in their being, to remain grounded, rational, and calm in their communication.

It’s natural for tempers to flare. We get emotional, we can feel overwhelmed, we sometimes forget that we’re talking to the person we’ve pledged to love for the rest of our lives.

We must, though, do everything in our power to manage the way we communicate at all times.

This isn’t to say you’ll have a 100% success rate, you probably won’t.

Neither will your partner.

But, if you can make this conscious promise to yourself (and to them), it’ll help you stay grounded during these highly emotional times, and to prevent you from saying something you’ll regret.

Plus — raising your voice doesn’t get your point across any better. All it does is bring up the volume of the conversation to the point where neither person is even listening anymore, they’re just trying to talk over the other.

Remember: It’s you and your partner vs. the problem. NOT you and your partner vs. each other.

9: We will fully accept each other’s past, present, and future.

You don’t have to like every single little thing about your partner.

“James…gasp!”

Let’s be honest…you don’t even like every single little thing about yourself!

I think a lot of people get caught up here. They’ll make a judgment about their partner’s past, or question a decision they made long ago, and write off the entire person because of something they don’t “like.”

This is where perspective is important. Was it a small discretion? Or, like…a murder?

Is it a real dealbreaker, or just an annoyance?

Loving someone is about fully accepting them. The parts you love, the parts you don’t. Accepting who they were in the past, loving who they are in the present, and growing with them into the future.

If you can’t fully embrace who a person is, a part of you will always be leaning outwards, looking around for someone else that might be a better fit for you.

Don’t lose a diamond while you’re looking for rocks.

10: We’ll give mutual support.

Imagine that you’re excited about a new idea, or that you accomplish a goal, or get excited about a new opportunity…

You tell your partner — and — crickets.

No excitement, no encouragement, no “I’m so happy for you my love!”

Just, “Cool.”

Or worse — negativity.

The wind leaves your sails. You feel defeated, discouraged, misunderstood.

Every relationship should set the standard of support and encouragement towards each other. If you don’t stand behind someone’s ideas or values, why would you be with them in the first place?

11: We will prioritize each other’s happiness.

When you get into a relationship, you pledge to put “we” ahead of “me.”

This means setting the standard that you both consider each others’ happiness and wellbeing in your decision making.

You are no longer just making choices that affect your life, like you did when you were single.

This means being willing to compromise and also to express the things that you do or don’t like, so your partner can compromise in return.

If one (or both) of you is unwilling to do so, then there is no point in continuing down a path that is bound to come to a dead end sooner than later.

12: We will always respect each other.

If two people don’t fully respect each other as human beings, as partners, as fully-functioning adults with their own strengths, ambitions, dreams, wants, needs, and desires — they will never be able to build a bond of trust and love.

13: We’ll bring each other comfort.

Not the comfort that causes laziness or the demise of effort.

Not the comfort that makes you lazy.

Not the comfort that breeds resentment.

I’m talking about the comfort that makes your partner, and your relationship, feel like home.

The comfort you feel after a long day sinking into the couch together. The comfort you feel laying in bed on a Sunday morning. The comfort you feel watching your family run and play.

The right person will enhance the comfort you feel in your life, not take away from it.

14: We’ll love OURSELVES.

Being a great partner isn’t about how you care for each other, it’s also in how you care for yourself.

You can’t pour water out of an empty cup, as the saying goes.

You must keep yourself emotionally, physically, and mentally healthy in order to give and contribute to those around you. In order to live a full life. In order to be fully present.

If both partners in a relationship make the pledge to stay connected to their own identities, their own purpose, and their own needs — they will never feel empty or depleted.

15: We’ll build full, steady, stable love.

Steady and stable love is calm and strong, it is not shaky, uncertain, or questionable.

It makes you feel safe and secure in your relationship, not concerned or worried that it could end at any moment.

No relationship can grow and thrive if it is built on a rocky foundation that could be wiped away by the first strong gust of wind.

Just like any solid structure, it must be built on a strong foundation made up of the stones outlined in this article.

If you and your partner agree to not only set — but maintain these standards, you will build the type of relationship that you once only read about in articles like this.

Go out and make it yours, because that is what you deserve.

Subscribe to my newsletter “The Next Level” for honest and uncensored advice normally reserved for private clients.

James Michael Sama is an internationally recognized speaker, author, and personal development coach.

Finding success in creating hundreds of viral articles and videos on building limitless confidence and healthier relationships, James has accumulated over 39 million visitors to his website and a collective social media following of over 400,000.

James speaks at live events and in the media across the U.S. and has become a go-to expert with outlets such as CNN, Bravo, The New York Post, The Huffington Post, The Daily Beast, CNBC, The Boston Globe, CBS, and more.