Family Recipe

Magic Ketchup

A Million Uses! (Or maybe just two)

Summers were glorious when I was a child. I long for those lazy August days; before the troubles began; before I had ever heard the words “Make America Great Again”, or “I’m sorry Oscar, it’s herpes”.

My grandmother would rouse all the grandchildren with the sunrise, and parade us down to the cellar. There in that mold-infested darkness she had spent the night, stirring a batch of Magic Ketchup with one hand and fending off brown recluse spiders with the other.

Then old grandmama would lie on her stomach, and each of the children would take a turn dipping a ladle into her pot of Magic Ketchup, spreading the thin gelatinous fluid over the scores of filiform warts on her back and legs.

My cousins and I would be assigned a particular region of my grandmother’s vast epidermis. The lucky winner — the child who spread ketchup over the district of skin where my grandmother’s warts subsided the most — would be presented with an ancient tootsie roll, to shatter what was left of our baby teeth.

In the intervening years I have learned to make Magic Ketchup myself.

While many things may have changed (including best practices concerning the treatment of warts), the recipe remains the same as it was back in that arachnid beset basement in 1993.

A few words of caution before we begin.

First of all, Magic Ketchup is highly flammable and should be kept out of the reach of children . . . unless they are bad children and need to be taught a lesson.

Second: never use any brand but Heinz. Del Monte sucks, Hunt’s is rumored to be carcinogenic, Organic Ville is ketchup for communists, and Whole Foods 365 has the viscosity of seminal fluid.

Ingredients:

4 Cups Heinz Tomato Ketchup.

4 Cups Grey Goose Vodka (or any fucking Vodka will do)

Instructions:

1. Preheat your oven to 680⁰.

2. Reach into the back of your fridge and find that plastic bottle of Heinz Ketchup that’s fallen undetected behind a three-year-old jar of pickles. Little known fact: Heinz products have the half-life of plutonium, which means you will expire before it does!

3. Find the sharpest knife in your kitchen, raise it high above your head, and bring it down vigorously — almost carelessly — into the ketchup. With an unsteady sawing motion, slice the bottle in half. When you’re three quarters done the job, give up on the knife and attempt to rip the plastic bottle open with your Superman-like strength. Take heed: the plastic edges of a sliced ketchup bottle can cut the ears off an elephant.

4. Hold a rag over the wound that is now bleeding profusely on your left hand. Take deep breaths and remain calm. If the bleeding doesn’t subside, pour some of the vodka directly into the cut.

5. Once you’ve regained consciousness, use a spatula to scoop the rest of the ketchup into a metal bowl.

6. Congratulations! You’ve made it halfway! Unscrew your Grey Goose and help yourself to a hearty swig.

7. Pour 4 cups of vodka into the metal bowl and stir until the ketchup and vodka become homogeneous.

8. Lick all remaining ketchup off the spatula.

9. Let the mixture rise for two to three hours. Preferably in direct sunshine or on top of a radiator. If in direct sunshine, make sure you avail yourself of a baseball bat or a pointed stick, as Magic Ketchup has been known to attract packs of curious skunks.

10. Cancel all your plans and close your blinds. Call your mother and say ‘Thanks for nothing lady.’ Then sit on the floor with the metal bowl and a spoon and prepare for the afternoon of your life!

11. Three days later, come to the realization that your oven has been on this entire time.

Serves 1 lonely bastard.

Did you enjoy yourself? Then read this Stupid:

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