Geopolitics

MAD is Dead. Long Live Salami.

An open letter from Vladimir Putin to Joe Biden

Dear Joe

I heard you were worried about my little excursion into the Ukraine.

Stop fretting. Be realistic. We’re not going to use nuclear weapons, we don’t need to. There’s no tripwire is there?

So it’s really not worth going head to head, mano a mano, over one teensy weensy slice of Europe is it? They all eat Polish sausage and bigos and stuff like that. Who cares? I’ll bet you don’t eat junk like that do you Joe?

Anyway, Donald said it would be OK. He likes my style.

But next year I’ll still be hungry. Hmm.

Then soon after I’ll have eaten all your lunch Joe. Boris, Emil, Angela (whoever she was) — I’ve got them lined up ready.

But not Victor Organ in Hungary, he’s a pal, right. I know he’s in the EU but he’ll help me out as the courses are dished up.

Lickmyassout in Belarus too. Another great guy. He’s what I call a sticker, been there for years. He’s already licking his lips in anticipation.

Soon I’ll have the whole damn salami to myself.

Baloney you say?

Yes, maybe that too if I don’t get indigestion with the next course. It’s good sliced with tomato sauce and pasta. It’s sunny down there as well you know. Not only that, the Italians have had a long flirtation with communism, so they’ll understand my brand.

The Greeks too. Maybe I’ll take a holiday there in a couple of years.

Me and my oligarchs will soon sort out their economies for them. Fucking idiots.

Fish n’ chips, Chateaubriand, bratwurst — it’s all on the menu. Don’t need the sauerkraut sides though, I’ve got plenty of pickled cabbage here in good old Empire Russia. We use it in the gulags, sparingly. (By the by, did I tell you that I’ve got a new gulag building program underway?)

So stop worrying Joe, I’m not after your hamburgers. I don’t want an old guy like you having a coronary do I? I like you just where you are now.

Sorry, strategy calls, I’ll have to sign off.

Now where’s that map again? I need to check my catering masterplan and make sure to take Chinese off the menu. They’re an understanding bunch even if they are yellow, but their food is SO greasy.

And please thank Donald for making it so easy for me when you see him next.

Tsar Tsar for now — and the foreseeable future.

Sincerely yours,

Vlad (the Invader) Putin

p.s.

Did you like my first strike? Nifty eh? No more MAD to worry about, that’s the beauty of the salami approach. Now we know what you’re really made of.

p.p.s.

Go back to bed. You need your sleep.