Lunchtime Buzzkill

Upheaval at the Chinese restaurant

Darnell, Amelia, Claire, Raheem, Gilberto, Francine, and Donna were collectively known to workers at the office building as the ‘Lunchtime Posse.’ Every business day they went out for lunch together.

Thursday was ‘Chopstick Day.’ According to Siri there were five oriental restaurants within a one-mile radius of the office building. Every Thursday the Lunchtime Posse went out for oriental food, rotating between those five restaurants.

On one particular Thursday Francine and Claire asked the rest of the posse if Kirk, a new worker at the office building, could join them for lunch. Everyone agreed.

When the food came Kirk handed the chopsticks the meal came with to the waiter and asked for silverware.

Gilberto spoke up, “What’s the matter Kirk? Don’t know how to use chopsticks?”

Several members of the posse quietly giggled.

Kirk responded, “Yes, I know how to use chopsticks but I prefer to eat in a more dignified, efficient and civilized manner. Any monkey can be trained to eat with wooden sticks but I won’t revert to such primitive methods just for the sake of social pressure to look cool and hip.”

A collective gasp came from all the posse members.

Amelia spoke up, “Primitive? I happen to believe eating with chopsticks is very elegant and sophisticated.”

Kirk responded, “When silverware was introduced to the Chinese they just scoffed and continued using single-use wooden sticks to eat with. People don’t like change. Have you ever tried cutting a steak with chopsticks? Well, in China knives are considered weapons. Normal folk weren’t allowed to have knives — a kind of Chinese version of gun control. Only the chefs in restaurants were allowed to have knives and they chopped all the meat and everything else into little pieces so that the people could eat without needing knives to cut their food with and so that they could continue eating with single-use wooden sticks like monkeys in the forest.”

Another gasp issued forth from the posse — all of whom were eating with chopsticks.

Kirk continued, “Another reason I don’t use chopsticks is for environmental concerns.”

“Seriously?” asked Donna.

“Yes. At home in my kitchen I have a drawer full of silverware. I’ve been using that silverware my whole life and I will continue using it for the rest of my life and then I’ll leave that silverware to my grandchildren who will continue using it for the rest of their lives. Silverware lasts forever. There is no need to chop down a tree to make single-use wooden sticks to eat with.”

“Did you know that China has cut down most of their forests to make single-use chopsticks for the people to eat with? China now has to import chopsticks from America — and most of those chopsticks come from the state of Georgia. We are clear-cutting the forests of Georgia so that billions of Chinese can continue eating without knives in a primitive fashion. The deforestation of the planet is a major factor in climate change. Trees absorb carbon and give out oxygen. Every person who uses single-use wooden chopsticks is contributing to global warming.”

Normally when the Lunchtime Posse went out for lunch they were very loud and boisterous. There was always laughter. Now they ate in silence.

Finally, Raheem leaned over to Francine and whispered, “He just doesn’t know how to use chopsticks.”

Francine nodded.

Darnell was thinking ahead. To the Lunchtime Posse Friday was ‘Pizza Day.’ According to Siri there were four pizza joints within a one-mile radius of the office building, “So… um… I’m curious about something, Kirk?”

“Yes, Darnell?”

“How do you eat pizza?”

“How do I eat pizza? With a knife and fork, of course, like a civilized person.”

Every member of the posse stopped eating and looked at each other. Without a word being spoken everyone knew what everyone else was thinking.

The next day Kirk was not invited to lunch for pizza, in fact the Lunchtime Posse never again invited him to join them for lunch.

Kirk simply was not posse material. He was a total buzzkill.

Copyright by White Feather. All Rights Reserved. This is a work of fiction. Stories by White Feather

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