Satire

When Pizzas Are for Reading and Churches Are Misleading

Ludicrous legislation makes for a creative nation

South Africa makes history for its dogged grip on humor in times of irrational regulations.

Despite the draconian laws enacted to ensure we behave during the lockdown, many of which the High Court in Pretoria yesterday adjudged in violation of our Constitution and Bill of Rights, we fight back with laughter while the judiciary shows its independence.

I enjoyed the judge’s biting wit:

The rules on exercise were “perplexing,” the judgment said. “… (T)o put it bluntly, it can hardly be argued that it is rational to allow scores of people to run on the promenade but were one to step a foot on the beach, it will lead to rampant infection.”

One rule under Level 4, which ended on 31 May, was that we could only buy educational books.

WTF?

Combine that with the fact that takeaway food, forbidden under Level 5, was now allowed for home delivery only, we came up with the idea of ordering books hidden in pizza boxes.

Here is a sampling for your edification:

• The Lunch Pack of Notre Dame
• To Grill a Mockingbird
• One Flew over the Couscous Nest
• Scone with the Wind
• The Treacle has Landed
• The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Pantry
• Moby Duck
• A Brief History of Thyme
• The Ketchup in the Rye
• Catch Plenty Food
• Lime Bean ate Before
• The Slices of the Lambs
• Wok of the Bushveld
• The Grill with the Dragon Tattoo
• Of Rice and Men

Under Level 3, places of worship may now open provided no more than 50 people gather.

Restaurants, salons, gyms remain forbidden fruit.

Our COVID Command Council is obviously possessed — of a higher intelligence which us mere mortals cannot aspire to.

For example, although we can now exercise from 0600 to 1800 instead of the tight 0600 to 0900 window, group activities not related to spiritual upliftment stay off the radar.

And you definitely can’t visit family or friends.

Alcohol is on sale again. The rationale of freeing up beds in trauma units, where 90% of admitted cases are alcohol-related, has mysteriously vanished. But you may only consume at home.

Not surprising then that religious fervor is on the rise.

New churches are springing up as we navigate our way around the commandments.

• Temple of the Holy Spirits (Bar)
• Church of the Soul Food (Restaurant)
• Church of the Divine Image (Hair Salon)
• Tabernacle of the Moving Image (Cinema)
• Communion of the Heavenly Path (Mountain Club)
• Assembly of the Holy Water (Canoe Club)
• Disciples of the Feet of God (Runner’s Club)
• Temple of the Immaculate Confection (Cake Shop)
• House of Healing Hands (Nail Salon)
• Sanctuary of the Holy Herb (Dagga Club)

The ban on the sale of tobacco products remains.

We never expected to reach a stage in our history where we cannot buy cigarettes, but smoking marijuana (dagga) is legal, provided you grow it in your own garden for home consumption.

Possibly our politicians are mindful of this:

“If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.” — Lawrence Ferlinghetti

Problem is, they’re already empty-headed.

Thanks for reading.