Lucifer Sues Trump for Breach of Contract
Claims Trump refused to pay his immortal soul as promised.
As a man who has a reputation for stiffing his contractors, stiffing entire cities, and contracting people to get stiffed, it can be expected that Donald Trump might have some trouble paying his bills. However, this one may have landed the president in some hot brimstone.
Lucifer, The Morning Star, King of the Damned, Ruler of Hell is suing President Trump for breach of contract. Allegedly, President Trump struck a deal with the literal devil to become president in exchange for his immortal soul. However, Lucifer is alleging that Trump has refused to pay him, claiming his soul is “under audit.”
Unsealed court documents reveal that Trump may have utilized an elaborate scheme involving multiple shell hosts to transfer his soul oversees in order to avoid payment. This operation seems to have been going on for multiple decades, with implications that Mr. Trump hasn’t been in possession of his soul since as early as 1985.
(This reporter could not independently verify the location or existence of Mr. Trump’s soul. We will update this article with any further developments in this area.)
Additionally, Lucifer has presented as evidence a number of contracts signed at various times with lesser demons promising riches, a TV contract, and a massive following on Twitter in exchange for his soul. It appears that Mr. Trump may have sold his soul as many as seven times in the past two decades.
Further contracts reveal that Trump has also promised the souls of his firstborn child, his firstborn son, his secondborn son, at least two of his wives, and that of Michael Cohen in exchange for various other items. Most of the signatures, with the exception of Mr. Cohen’s, appear to have been forged.
When asked how such an oversight could occur, Lucifer provided a written statement that said the following:
“Lesser demons are allowed to make deals for small and moderate concessions, but are required to submit all paperwork in accordance with the rules of Hell. However, paperwork is frequently lost or misplaced, as our filing system is being overhauled for the next 10,000 years. While this is inexcusable, and the responsible parties will be reprimanded and tortured, it does not change the fact that Mr. Trump illegally sold his soul and the souls of others multiple times in exchange for minor and major favours.
We will be prosecuting this grievance to the fullest extent of the law in the Southern District of New York, the traditional home court of Hell. We are a respectable organisation with a literal army of the best lawyers, living or dead, and are looking forward to our day in court.”
Asked for comment, Mr. Trump responded “It’s total fake news, I never sold my soul, the devil is part of the liberal elite deep state trying to delegitimize my presidency, and anyway, I have the best soul, solid gold, Jesus himself told me so, he said ‘Donny, you have just the best most awesome soul I have ever seen,’ and anyway, my soul is under audit by the Heavenly IRS, so I can’t release the details of any soul I may or may not have until the audit is finished.”
The Lord God declined to comment through his representative Metatron. Reached through email. Jesus responded only with “I have never met nor spoken with Mr. Trump, nor do I expect to in this life or the next.”
