Loving Masculine Energy

In a push for embracing the feminine, let’s not forget the masculine

I’ve been in a fog the past few weeks, especially the last week. I haven’t felt inspired, I can’t really hear my spirit guide anymore, I haven’t felt like writing. I’ve just painfully been stuck in my own head. Alone. My thoughts no longer make sense, they no longer feel inspired and joyful like before.

My masculine energy has become strong again. I’m returning to my “default” position, and I hate it. The last year, although painful, has been invigorating. In going deep into the darkest crevices of my soul, I have become in tune with my psychic powers, my spirit guide and the divine.

However, it was difficult to accomplish anything in this strong feminine state. I had made tremendous improvement in healing past traumas and was ready to move on with my life. My dream job popped up and I jumped on the opportunity. I felt like I was on the right track of life again.

However, this meant I needed to utilize my masculine powers again. The first week was fine, I got lots done during the week but then could still dig deep into my feminine powers on the weekend. The second week, not so much. I started to try to suppress my masculine side, but the more I tried, the stronger it seemed to become. The fog grew denser and my hate of myself grew stronger.

Prior to my awakening, in order to balance out my masculine energy, I would turn to alcohol, cannabis, psilocybin, coffee and sugar. It was a quick fix and allowed me to feel my feminine side again. I felt my body crave them desperately again. However, I had just spent an entire year becoming un-addicted to these substances. I refused to intoxicate my body once again.

I was desperately trying to find a solution, a quick fix like before. However, I’m starting to understand that this is the lesson I was meant to learn. On my own. Without my spirit guides or the angels telling me. I had just spent the last year trusting my own intuition but suddenly and urgently wanted an external solution.

I wanted to be saved again. However, the whole point of the painful process I just completed was to recognize that I hold the power to save myself. That I became reliant on others and as a result lost myself. Work wasn’t the problem. Other people weren’t the problem. The pain that I was feeling was exclusively being created by me.

So, despite feeling completely uninspired to write, I decided I needed to write today. This message isn’t from my spirit guides and it isn’t from an archangel. This message is from me.

This is hard for me because I feel like I suck. Having always had strong masculine energy I’ve always felt hated for this and as a result started to hate myself for this. This is how the cycle of trying to suppress this side of myself started. The feminine is so beautiful, it is so loving, it is so joyful. It’s all the things a normal person should want to be. It is what I wanted to be.

However, the past year has painfully brought to light all the painful and dark aspects of the feminine. Depression, hopelessness, shame, inability to take action, inability to decide. I started to highly respect all I was able to accomplish when I was in my masculine power. I didn’t know how to manifest it in my personal life, so I manifested it in the corporate world. I raised people up, I helped them learn and grow, I made sure decisions were made in a balanced and ethical way, I drove positive change in the organizations I worked for. I couldn’t fix everything, but I made an impact.

So why now, do I hate myself again for it? I realized it was being driven by a number of factors.

In the last few years, I started to lean away from a conservative mindset and towards a liberal mindset. This similarly happened with a number of people in my circle. I had grown up with conservative values — to act and spend responsibly and sustainably. If we act responsibly, this is in the best interests of everyone. We can’t do everything; we need to make hard choices sometimes.

These are not bad values. They still strongly resonate with me. However, what changed was the external environment. Not enough money was being spend on climate change because it wasn’t “economical”. Not enough value was being placed on women, the BIPOC community, and the LGBTQIA2S+ community. Freedom of choice and freedom of voice wasn’t being respected.

As a result, I felt compelled to lean the other way. Not because “the right” was wrong, but because I felt society was leaning a touch too far to the right at this moment. However, what happened is that I started to lean too far to the left and started to hate the right aspects of myself. I started to feel ashamed of the fact that I worked in the corporate world. I developed a distaste for being around people that were too conservative and religious. I just wanted to meditate and send love every day.

However, meditating and sending love every day wasn’t the right way for me to change the world. Although it is, in fact, profoundly powerful and important, I was essentially relinquishing responsibility. Let someone else do it, I’ll send them lots of love and they can deal with this mess. However, I was an accomplished, trusted, and knowledgeable person that actually knew HOW to drive change.

I needed to stop hating this aspect of myself and start leaning back towards the centre. In having a preference for one side, I was continuing to perpetuate polarization and creating a rift within myself.

I also realized that I’m only seeing the positives of the feminine and only the negatives of the masculine. As I mentioned earlier, I went through a painful experience where all the dark aspects of the feminine were revealed to me. This drove me to want to create balance within myself again.

However, although I now understood both the positives and negatives of the feminine, I could still only see the negatives of the masculine. Before I dig into this, I wanted to clarify that when I speak of “positive” and “negative” I’m speaking merely from a utility standpoint, not from a moral standpoint. Neither are “good” or “bad”. They just are and they should be utilized at different times and for different purposes.

Emotions in themselves aren’t bad, even though I like certain emotions and dislike others. I realized this is my ego’s preference and I needed to become aware of this. I’ve always disliked anger for example. Most people do because they have some very traumatizing experiences connected to anger, as I did with my father. However, during my dark night of the soul, I recognized how anger can actually propel you forward, how it can drive change, how it can be used productively. The emotion isn’t negative, it can be utilized in a positive way.

Similarly, I’ve always been absolutely revolted by arrogance my whole life. Humility is the gold standard for spirituality after all. However, by rejecting my arrogance, I wasn’t finding myself in the centre, I was finding myself way too far into my subconscious and rejecting my ego. I had to accept that arrogance has utility as well. I needed to exercise my arrogance at times so that I could demonstrate self-respect and stick up for what I believed in. That didn’t mean I didn’t listen and respect others, it simply meant I shouldn’t lean so far that I stop respecting myself. I had to love, not hate, my ego so that we could work together.

I’ve also always disliked people that talk to much about themselves or push their own agendas. However, in not talking about myself at all and just going with the flow of what other people wanted all the time, I completely lost myself. It led to depression and extreme loneliness. In fact, it made it very difficult to make friends because people didn’t know who you were and didn’t know how to assess you. Once, I started to speak my mind more, I started to make friends again. That doesn’t mean you can’t change and that your opinion is correct in every situation, but you need to be comfortable with expressing your truth in a particular moment. It’s gone a moment later and you may have lost an opportunity to teach or to learn.

I’ve always had a love/hate relationship with my “knowing” as well. Being both an academic and claircognizant, I’ve often felt hated for this trait from others, so I’ve internalized it as “bad”. I wanted to be blissfully unaware, just trust the universe and go with the flow. With great knowledge comes great responsibility and I didn’t want that responsibility, so I convinced myself I was wrong. However, I know damn well when I’m making shit up because it serves me and when I’m right. I shouldn’t ignore this about myself, I should use it to help others.

Then there’s the “doing too much” syndrome. People always tell me to chill out, that it stresses them out. So, I tried desperately to learn to do less. However, this simply led to depression because I was suppressing a part of myself that brought me joy. When I’m doing positive things for the world, this is when I’m in my flow state. I tend to overdo it, for sure, and I need to find time for rest and connection, but suppressing this aspect of myself isn’t the answer either. I should be grateful that I have so much energy and that I am able to utilize it for good.

Finally, there is “tough love”. I learned this from my father. Growing up, I hated him for it, but now, I have the highest of respect for him for teaching it to me. I recognize that he’s learned along the way and made many mistakes when we were younger. However, he continued to grow and evolve even after my brother and I left the house. He was a staunch conservative turned liberal after all. I was the only person in my family growing up who didn’t think “gays” were going to hell (whether self-inflicted or in the clouds). Now, my entire family considers themselves social leaders in this respect (even though they’re not but I give credit to their transformation and openness to change!).

However, I digress. Although my father didn’t know how to love us in an emotional way, he very much demonstrated love in the ethical framework he tried to teach us. Although I don’t agree with his methods, I came to understand the lessons he wanted to impart on us, and those I highly value. You can’t make everyone happy and you can’t help everyone. There are not enough resources in the world to meet everyone’s wants, however, there is enough to meet everyone’s needs. Also, people need to learn certain lessons on their won, you can’t hold their hand their entire life, you’d be doing them a great disservice.

I’d like to speak to the corporate world to make my point. Having worked with many CEOs, I tend to empathize with them. I’ve often wondered if this is my version of “Stockholm syndrome” where people develop positive emotions towards their captors and abusers. However, many of the CEOs that I’ve had the pleasure to work with were mostly phenomenal and inspiring people who took great care of the people that worked for them. They were also very in-tune with their emotions and appreciated having someone that they could connect with, as it’s very “lonely at the top”. I became not only a fellow executive with them but their psychologist as well.

For everyone has a role to play. Abolishing corporations is not the solution, it would completely destroy this planet. We’d go back into the dark ages where everyone is starving and killing each other for resources. We need to respect the sense of order that capitalism has created for our planet. There is still much to fix, but the system itself is not “evil”. I bring this up because we’ve developed a similar hate for the “patriarchy”. We needed to recognize that overpowering masculinity has had a negative impact on our planet. However, we shouldn’t throw it out altogether and only embrace femininity.

Layoffs, as an example, are an inevitable part of business. CEOs should not be villainized for this. However, it should be limited to the extent possible and done in a humane manner. There also need to be government policies in place that protect people who have the unfortunate circumstance of having to go through a layoff and are unable to find new employment right away. Not allowing layoffs would simply result in entire corporations going bankrupt and even more jobs being lost, or government having to fund bailouts that would simply increase everyone’s taxes and make life even more unaffordable. There is a natural “cleansing” that needs to take place in the larger social world, in our personal world, and in our bodies. This is the circle of life.

Recognizing and accepting this is often perceived as “cold-hearted” but it is not. It is accepting nature for what it is. Everything comes to an end, and we need to constantly adapt, change and grow. There is great change coming and we need to be ready for this, it won’t be all sunshine and rainbows. There is no growth in comfort. We need to constantly embrace discomfort because we don’t have a choice in the matter anyway. And nothing hurts more than being the person that creates that discomfort for others. However, I would not be a good parent if I tried to protect my children all the time. I learned that from my dad and they’re growing into some really phenomenal people.

I didn’t want to write this article. I didn’t feel inspired. I always feel like my perspective is opposite to current culture and will simply be rejected. It’s the opposite of the type of “feel good” articles even I like to read on medium. And maybe it will be rejected, but I’m still glad I wrote it. For a change, I’ve inspired myself instead of waiting for someone else to inspire me. And my ego deserves some love, it’s just trying to protect me after all. I’ve decided to love my masculine power, as well as my feminine.

If you’d like to chat about your experience or have a productive debate about spirituality, please e-mail me at [email protected]. I write on here because I love to learn and connect with others, and I believe that it is a time to integrate!

Happy exploring!