Loving A Family Member From A Distance

A look into family set ups and letting go off toxic relationships

Have you ever had a family member that you love but had to walk away from? If you have, you may be reading this to see why others have or if you haven’t perhaps you are contemplating to do it or are simply curious…

Whatever your reasons are, this is an article to give you courage to make healthy choices in your relationships.

There are decisions in our lives, that we don’t have a choice over, there are plenty such as; where we are born, when we are born, ethnicity, which family we are born into and so on, you get the drift.

However, we do have choices about many things that affect our lives and the one we are going to explore is the decision of walking away from unhealthy or potentially toxic relationships with family members.

What is family?

This may seem like a question with an obvious answer, as we all know the definition of family right? Yet the word family has a different meaning to different people and has drastically changed over the last 50 years.

Generally across the world, the family structure is beyond the typically associated nuclear family; consisting of two parents and their children. In Europe and the USA this description has evolved over generations with single parent households, married/ cohabiting /LGBT couples with/without children, step families and grandparent families (in which the grandparents raise their grandchildren).

Within these family units, there are generalized perceptions and practices associated with different cultural family set ups. Additional to this, culture-psychologists suggest that you need to take into account the psychological factors too, this will highlight further what family means to individuals beyond the societal terms.

For example, in some Asian & African cultures; family is beyond the nuclear setting, it extends to grandparents, aunties, uncles and cousins. There is also a system which determines who can be married into the family known as Endogamy, where the marital couple need to be from the same caste, religion, village and race. However, this doesn’t equate to all people from these cultures practicing Endogamy, (for example a person from an Asian culture who lives elsewhere) and it doesn’t mean that they will see aunties & uncles etc. as immediate family. Therefore where one resides and how one thinks has an impact on their definition of family.

Taking into consideration the psychological aspect, there are religious and social constructs that make up how individuals perceive family. For example, someone may spend more time with friends and in times of need, these relationships prove to be more supportive than blood relatives. This individual may see their friends as family.

Another example, someone joins a religious community and are taught that these people are now their family, overtime they may develop close relationships and class these people as part of their family.

Sadly, there is also the gang culture where people in particular gangs see each other as family to the point where they’d kill for them or die for them.

What does ‘Loving a family member from a distance’ look like?

Loving from a distance is when you make a decision to change the dynamic of your relationship. This might be the choice to only see that family member at family events, it may be by sending a ‘Happy Birthday’ message once a year… it is your choice of how distant you become.

The key emphasis here is loving, love is beyond feelings, it is also a verb. When you love someone your actions express that love. Loving from a distance is simply putting a barrier to protect your well-being. It is not to say that you will never speak to that person again or you will hold onto all the things they’ve done like a criminal has a record. It merely means, you will take the time to heal from whatever has occurred and inform them you will no longer put up with their actions, yet, you choose to love them from afar.

There are obviously instances in which more extreme measures may need to be taken such as a complete cut off.

Why would one love a family member from a distance?

We all go through bad times and a lot of these may be shared with family. There are times when you need to analyze whether these bad experiences are orchestrated by family members. Are there relationships that are just too toxic to hold on to?

Let’s be honest, some family relationships are polluted. These family members make you feel unloved, perhaps unworthy and/or unappreciated. This can harm your mental and emotional well-being and hinder you in various areas of your life. Below are some examples of these type of destructive relationships:

• Relationships where you are the receiver of consistent hurtful comments — Hurtful remarks are personal, what may hurt you may not hurt someone else. However, we can universally agree that when we do feel hurt it is unpleasant. When someone continually hurts you by their words about/to you without an apology, this is a form of bullying. This family member may label you as ‘too sensitive’ and repeat their behavior as they do not respect your feelings.
• Forms of abuse — verbal, emotional or physical etc. A healthy, loving relationship has no room for abuse. If you are receiving abuse, this relationship is damaged and unsafe. It is extremely vital to remove yourself from this abuser, if it is physical, this needs to be reported.
• People who steal from you and make you feel as if you deserve that treatment. Some people steal from their family for a variety of reasons such as to feed a drug addiction, to cover a debt or simply as a poor habit of theft. These individuals may come up with lies or manipulate you to feel sorry for them, this type of relationship reeks of poverty, not only are they draining your finances/goods, they are taking away your trust, time and respect.
• Relationships that are damaging to your progress such as negative comments about every choice you make. This type of relationship is detrimental to your self-esteem, confidence and your likelihood to make your own choices without validation. The truth may hurt and there are times when constructive criticism is necessary, yet this is very different from a person who constantly puts down your choices without respecting you.
• People who keep getting you into trouble - for example you try to help a family member out of their own mess and end up in trouble with the police etc. This is an example of someone using you and paying no regard to the impact that it has on your life.

The above are unhealthy relational ties that when broken can really make a significant impact on your life. It may not be easy, in fact breaking away from a family member will oftentimes affect others, who have close bonds with the individuals associated. It may also be a slow process, but essentially a necessary one.

All our lives are precious whether we feel it, believe it or not. Life is a gift and a journey where we will have testing times and decisions to make…

If you find yourself constantly battling in a relationship, perhaps you need to try the option of loving them from a distance, take it a step at a time and do it for a positive change in your life.

Thanks for reading!