Love Loss Regrets and a Little Rage

the songs that light my fire

Music has been a part of my life since I can remember being alive. Well, maybe later than that, like 7 years old. My two older sisters and I formed a band in our bedroom with a record player and anything resembling instruments. We’d take turns being the lead singer.

These were the days of Fleetwood Mac, ABBA, the Go Go’s and random oldies — think 45’s. Our devoted audience was whatever little kid sibling was available, which would’ve been all of them since we most likely were supposed to be “watching on them".

Memories floating onward, listening to music was always the centerpiece of my existence, saving money for my own “boom box" and tape collection. I shared a room with the aforementioned sisters. My area consisted of a bed, the boom box, my collection of tapes, and music magazines. Posters adorned my section of the wall for added warmth and ambience.

I unearthed this tape collection recently to give to my oldest son. It covered a span of probably ten years, between the ages of 8 and 18. The records were long gone, but this dark blue vinyl double sided triple row cassette case with a box of the overflow remained. Among the artist originals were those mixed tapes — awful recordings from the radio and copies from friend’s collections.

Did I think he was going to listen to any of them? I hoped he would. Did he appreciate the effort it took to attain all that greatness? I made sure of it.

The bequeathing was brief because I had to cook dinner. Touching the 30 year old plastic tote of my childhood loves one last time, I pushed both it and him out the door before I could change my mind.

These days I still continue to find and collect CD’s, but its more often the digital downloads and Spotify playlists. Perhaps saddest of all, but common I’m sure, my only music listening time is when I’m driving. I love to drive.

The following list of extraordinary musical masterpieces crosses genres and sometimes decades. Each of the songs are stamped into my soul. They’re the songs that grab me from my daily thought catastrophes and hold me in place, those that I hit repeat for and stay in the parking lot or driveway for just a little longer.

The lyrics are near perfect, the melodies gripping. And sometimes attached is a shared feeling, a reminder, or just the on switch of forgotten adrenaline.

I’ve only included 8 songs. There are so many more, of course, but we all don’t have a ton of time and I’m already questioning this frivolous use of it.

Sometime Around Midnight — Airborne Toxic Event

Everything about this storytelling musical composition is genius. Added to it is the flavor of angst we can share — who hasn’t been drunkenly alone and in love?

And it starts Sometime around midnight Or at least that’s when You lose yourself For a minute or two

As you stand Under the bar lights And the band plays some song About forgetting yourself for a while And the piano’s this melancholy sound check To her smile And that white dress she’s wearing You haven’t seen her For a while

But you know That she’s watching She’s laughing, she’s turning She’s holding her tonic like a crux The room suddenly spinning She walks up and asks how you are So you can smell her perfume You can see her lying naked in your arms

And so there’s a change In your emotions And all of these memories come rushing Like feral waves to your mind Of the curl of your bodies Like two perfect circles entwined And you feel hopeless, and homeless And lost in the haze Of the wine

Fire & Rain — James Taylor

As the years turn corners before me, I’m left on the other side with sadness and regret from not reaching out sooner, from not spending that time I could’ve spent. I miss the friends and family who I always thought would be here.

I’ve seen fire and I’ve seen rain I’ve seen sunny days that I thought would never end I’ve seen lonely times when I could not find a friend But I always thought that I’d see you again

Would — Alice in Chains

Can we truly feel the war inside the mind of an addict without Alice in Chain’s lyrics?

Into the flood again Same old trip it was back then So I made a big mistake Try to see it once my way

Am I wrong? Have I run too far to get home? Have I gone? And left you here alone?

If I would, could you?

Romeo & Juliet — Dire Straits

A long time ago in another land of my life, I heard this song first as a cover from the Killers. I most prefer the Dire Straits live version when he can barely get through the last few phrases, but here is the original. The preface for this is that long ago conversation.

“what have you been up to all these years?”

“all I do is keep the beat, the bad company.”

“?”

“it’s a song, Juliet, look it up.”

Once again, musical storytelling. This one includes the shared belief that, yes indeed, the time was just wrong.

“There’s a place for us, you know the movie song When you gonna realize it was just that the time was wrong, Juliet?”

I can’t do the talks like they talk on the TV And I can’t do a love song like the way it’s meant to be I can’t do everything but I’ll do anything for you I can’t do anything except be in love with you

And all I do is miss you and the way we used to be All I do is keep the beat, the bad company All I do is kiss you through the bars of a rhyme Julie, I’d do the stars with you any time

Exile — Taylor Swift & Bon Iver

This song blows me away and I don’t even need to relate to it, that’s how powerful and perfect it is.

I can see you standing, honey With his arms around your body Laughin’, but the joke’s not funny at all And it took you five whole minutes To pack us up and leave me with it Holdin' all this love out here in the hall

I think I've seen this film before And I didn't like the ending You're not my homeland anymore So what am I defending now? You were my town Now I'm in exile, seein' you out I think I've seen this film before

I can see you starin', honey Like he's just your understudy Like you'd get your knuckles bloody for me Second, third, and hundredth chances Balancin' on breaking branches Those eyes add insult to injury

You Need Me — Nathaniel Ratecliff

Once again, I just admire everything about this song.

It's like you're telling me now In the middle of the shit I need you? Or are you telling me now In the middle of the set it's through? Or did I walk by and never saw it, maybe? Or I was reading my lines and I never heard my cue?

Running to the top of the hill, then the hill starts over You can bury yourself in the ground that you dug up Now I was just contemplating When do the tears dry up? Far too easy to bait me At least we shared the cup

Symphony of Destruction — Megadeth

What? I can’t hear you.

This should be played loud, but not too loud — a clean loud (and I shouldn’t have to mention a good sound system for all music opportunities).

This song reminds me of my husband, because he introduced me to it. It’s one of my go-to songs when I don’t sleep at night and need to rage to work in the morning because some idiot left a mess and casualties for me to clean up.

It’s edgy and genius, look up the lyrics and feed for yourself.

My number 8 is the current obsession, one that I find fitting for my funeral even though not all parts fit without creative licensing.

Written and first performed by Regina Spektor, I find this composition which was released for a movie absolutely gripping. It was at the bottom of the playlist my son periodically adds to for me, and it kept me in the Home Depot parking lot for three plays.

Immediately I claimed it to be heard at my final goodbye — something I’ve only been pondering since Starkey shared his own. Although I haven’t timed it, I like his order that the service last as long as the song.

On the Radio — Chip Taylor

No, this is how it works You’re young until you’re not And you love until you don’t And you try until you can’t You laugh until you cry And you cry until you laugh And everyone must breathe Until their dying breath

No, this is how it works You peer inside yourself You take the things you like And try to love the things you took Then you take that love you made And you stick it into Someone else's heart Pumping someone else's blood And walking arm in arm You hope that don't get harmed But even if it does You'll just do it all again

So this is how it ends, my third music piece. While the other two were silly, whining and moaning — although I meant every word, all of it, I’m excited to share this with those who have the same ever so slightly obsessive love of music. Those who don’t can go where the monsters somehow live and thrive.

I hope you read every line and lend an ear to every instrument. And if you care for a song — any song, as dramatically emphatically as I do, please share with me.